She cheated about five years ago and I believe I have neither forgotten or forgave. I support the family she goes to school, she never gives me any attention but wants it. I am the reason she cheated and the reason the marriage is going south again. I do not trust her. We have two small kids and I beleive that is all that is keeping us together. But we have our good days, and we laugh, but some of the things that she says really keep me on edge, because I remember some of those same words when she cheated the first time. I have no heart anymore every word she says burns it like a hot knife on butter.
2007-01-29 04:31:01 · 20 answers · asked by Albeit 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It depends on badly you want your marriage to work. Let me tell you one thing...it is NOT your fault she cheated! That was HER decision and solely hers. She is blaming you for her actions because she does not want to take responsibility for her actions! She had every opportunity to leave you BEFORE she made the decision to cheat.
If you want your marriage to work, try counseling. You will never forget what she has done, but with a little help, maybe you can learn to deal with it.
2007-01-29 04:40:04 · answer #1 · answered by Lila 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been married 30 years, and I wish I could tell you it was like the fairy tales and "happy ever after", but the true is that "man" is a solitary animal and does not share space easily. There's alot of stepping on toes when there is just the two of you let alone when you mix in a couple of kids. I assume that when you got married you were each other's best friend, and the sex was just an added perk. If not, and your whole relationship is based on the bedroom and you have a problem. You need to get back to the basics and be friends again. If you are commited to this relationship then you have to work to keep it going. You can't sit back and say "well, she won't meet me half way". You need to sit down and talk to each other and attempt to work out your differences. If she says something that you don't like, ask her to stop. A simple "please don't say that" should suffice. Whatever you do don't get into a screaming match about it, especially in front of the kids, or even where they can hear. If she is cheating on you because of something you are doing and you know it, then change what you are doing - duh!
Use whatever you took away from the first affair as a teaching tool and learn from your mistakes. Find things you enjoy and can do together. You should do things she enjoys as well as her doing your things. Above all you have to give her back your trust, without it you will never have any kind of relationship. Yeah, I know that's hard and you find yourself doubting every word and action, but you have to trust and believe what she says. Because if you can't, you have no relationship.
If indeed you are only staying together because of the kids, then I say do the kids a favor and get out before you end up hating your wife and she you. Your children will be the ones in the end who suffer the most from whatever the two of you decide to do.
2007-01-29 13:10:30 · answer #2 · answered by Sandy K. 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, sir, let us see what it is that you have to save.... If marriage is Admiration Respect, Passion, and Trust, with the Passion that she shared with another, thereby betraying you, the trust is for sure gone, and the admiration and respect you may have had for her have long been in the toilet. You don't have a marriage, by this definition---- you don't even love her, you love the image that she was once, or of what you one had for her, and, hon, they aren't the same..... If these four things (the Biggies) are no longer there, hon, you don't even have a marriage. At the time of the betrayal, had you both wished to save your relationship you would have needed to get into counseling.... it would have been 2 years with the best help in the world to save it,,,,,, and that is no guarantee, ask: any counselor worth a teaspoon of salt. Instead this has been grinding one you.... hopeless...
If you're a nice guy, you need to figure out --- maybe with a few sessions of counseling for yourself, why you feel you deserve so little.... every one deserves a faithful spouse, and a loving marriage --- of kind words, loving touches, solving problems without rage, and learning to put issues on the table without trouncing the ego of the other.... I'd recommend a book, but at this point, worthless, and you are beyond that.
Never share, hon, never. Never be a doormat, and you can't be one unless you lie there and take it, and frankly, no one is that good in bed to live the way you do.
I don't answer many of these, but I feel for your and it appears that there are things here that you have not considered --- like is it ever going to change?
No, it won't
Since you are staying only for the children, big mistake.... you can be cordial to her, and get a divorce..... (Agree on the terms, use a mediating attorney, avoid the adversarial position at all costs. One attorney represents you both, the two of you work out the settlement, he just fills out the papers,files, cheap at $75-300 in most states... shop around in the yellow pages -- attorney -- divorce -- mediating...)
2007-01-29 12:54:56 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, I need to ask you have you cheated on her? I'm not saying that you should cheat, but I wonder if that's why the women cheated. You May need to get out of the marriage if there is no other possible alternatives. I can really appreciate a man that's trying to hold on to his family I hope that your wife see the good quality that she has and make you happier. There are women who wished they had a good husband or even a good boyfriend.
2007-01-29 12:42:45 · answer #4 · answered by sweet p 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I understand the predicament you're in. When it comes to putting your marriage back together after an affair there are two types of people: Those that can move on and those that can't. I myself am in the latter category so I really understand where you're coming from. If my spouse cheated on me I would leave right then and there because I know I would NEVER be able to forget it and move on. It seems like you are that type of person as well so you have your answer.....
2007-01-29 12:39:36 · answer #5 · answered by Lilith 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's really sad. If you didn't have small children, I would probably suggest that you go your separate ways. But, since you have young children, if you were to leave their mother, thier lives would be forever changed, and probably not for the better.
If your wife has expressed remorse over the affair and has been faithful since, perhaps you should seek counseling (even if she has not, you might want to consider the fact that she likely feels deeply ashamed). People make mistakes and the smart ones learn from those mistakes and don't make them again. Counseling might help you to work through your anger and to be able to forgive and trust your wife.
Good luck to you and your family.
2007-01-29 12:49:28 · answer #6 · answered by ms_quiltsalot 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a woman who's been cheated on before in a 4-year relationship where we were living with one another. I tried to forgive and forget, but it went nowhere because like you, everything he said to me after that incident suddenly had history and had 'other' meanings. Soon I got paranoid, borderline obssessive.........It was just unhealthy, unproductive and hurtful to try and maintain so I left....We didn't have kids, so I'm sure that's a tough call, but you're better off a healthy divorced father, than not.
2007-01-29 12:39:26 · answer #7 · answered by googlemaniac 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
divorce is more expencive everyday. I read an article to day on MSN.com about this.
I have nave cheated on anyone of my boyfriends, but i have had it done to me. So i comsemerate you deeply. It hurts, but you have two small children, it would be better for them if they had both of you that just one.
But starting building evidence on your wife so, if you want your children, you can prove she it an unfit mother.
I wish you best. Have you tried couples therapy? I hear it helps to some extent.
One if the truest words i have ever hears is something like you constantly fall in and out of love, but the future and friendship is all you ever have. Try blocking it from you mind, if you can get through this, you can get through anything.
2007-01-29 12:40:54 · answer #8 · answered by Jenny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what are you doing man? pick up your dignity and get her out, you dont want a cheating woman first of all as the role model for your kids, chances are if she cheated once, she's done it after that plenty more times...at soem point you have to draw the line in the sand and say enough is enough, without further risking your quality of life and forsaking your dignity take a stance and let your conviction of a better life bring you through this
2007-01-29 12:36:41 · answer #9 · answered by Killuminati 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry for you. You may not want any pity but you have my sympathy. Damn.. Personally I do not do share very well. In fact I don't do share at all. Even though divorce is difficult for children it may be better for them in the long run..Too damn bad. To retain your self respect and sanity I'd bail out..It won't be easy but I would say go.!!..........Try to do it right. Get all the fact's together before you go to an attorney. You won't come out smelling roses no matter how hard you try. I want to wish you all the luck...!!
2007-01-29 12:46:36 · answer #10 · answered by buzzwaltz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋