This Mom needs feedback from teen girls please?

Question

My daughter is 15 1/2 and, based on what I see and hear, I feel pretty strongly that she and her bf are on the brink of having sex. She says they are just fooling around. I am not being judgemental but I am not an idiot (neither is she) and we both agree that getting pregnant is not an option at this time in her young life. I have made an appointment for her to have her first gyno exam and discuss birth control options. We have a pretty good relationship, but she doesn't seem to want to discuss this issue. I want her to understand my concerns and actions are based on my love for her. What can I say (or not say) to her to let her know that this upcoming appointment is not a "punishment" or that it has nothing to do with the trust I have in her? I would also appreciate any feedback from other moms in a similar situation, that being that my ex and I have shared custody, and he's not on board with this appointment idea, as he has blinders on about his "little girl". Common sense? NOT.

You guys are great. I am crying and smiling at the same time. Thank you all so very much. Being a mom is harder than you think. I waited until I was 35 to have my first child, this daughter (my second at almost age 40)...I would have been a lousy parent in my younger years...I think I will print out your answers and have them with me when I tell her about the appointment I made. You are angels, all smart and caring young women. I am proud of each and every one of you. Thank you again, from the heart.

A new day and more wonderful and thoughtful answers to my question. I remain impressed and grateful to all of you for your willingness to help me through this challenging time in our lives. I wish I could share this with all of your moms, so they would all know what wonderful young women they have. How much richer (and better) all our lives would be if we could all just LISTEN to each other!

Again, I thank all who have taken the time to provide me with VERY helpful insight and support. I don't know if you can fully understand how valuable every word has been to me. I am comforted and inspired. If the young women who have answered here are a true representation of my daughter's generation, my faith has been restored in more ways than one. (aside to
Trinity....Blessed Be).

Answer 1

I am 21, my grandmother raised me when my mother passed away...she always talked to me about sex especially when I had my first bf at 14...he raped me and beat me at 14! she knew something was wrong when I started fearing him but I never wanted to talk about it. I hated hearing it. But at the same time I loved her for it. She loves me and she only wanted to help me. The more she was there and talked to me even though I never wanted to talk back the more comfortable I felt about talking and coming clean about what had been happening. I think its totally responsible and cool in a way for you to take her to the doctor. Teens are having sex younger and younger...and to have a mother willing to be there and not ignore sex is awesome. Keep talking to her...dont pressure just be there. Let her know you are there when she is ready to talk. That helped me the most. Good luck.

Answer 2

Ooooo, Mom! You're up to the hard part.
And you'll get her throught this just like you got her through the last 15 1/2 years.
She's unwilling to discuss this with you because, come on, did you want to discuss your sex life with your mom?
You tell her that you believe her when she says they are not actually having sex, and you trust her judgement. You tell her you know how it is to be 15 and in love, and sometimes the best intentions are no match for human nature and hormones.
You tell her that she may not active now, but she will be sooner or later and there's no point in waiting til it's too late.
Explain women's health issues (she probably already knows anyway). Tell her a little bit about what an exam is like; it's unpleasant, but it won't kill ya.
Then you tell her she has to go just like you told her she had to go to the dentist so her teeth didn't rot. If she's really upset about it, find a female GYN, and let her just ask questions the first time.
Then you tell her about condoms and sponges, preferrably in use together.
Then you once again pray she listened.
As for the relationship part, you've discussed this all along from the first time her crush chased another girl in the second grade.
And your ex? He's a man. He's never been a fifteen year old girl, and is therefore unqualified to help much here.
I'm not a teenage girl (used to be.) My girl's twelve.
We've always discussed whatever questions she's had freely and age appropriately, even when I was going "Where the HELL did you hear THAT!" in my head. If I don't answer these questions, she'll find out on her own. We've discussed pregnancy, STD's, various things she had no business knowing.
And I pray that she listened.

Answer 3

Remember something, you are her mom not her friend. You can't be both. Of course you want ot keep the lines of communication open and you want her to talk to you. My daughter is only 4 and I think I vomit a little every time I think of the teenage years that are coming. I think that you are on the right page by taking her for birth control and maybe the doctor can provide some feedback. Your not giving your daughter the green light for sex and your ex should realize that. She's 15 and she will be having sex soon and your ex should realize that no matter what you say or do, the teens are going to have sex. It's better to be prepared then to be surprised with a baby. Good luck.:)

Answer 4

I'm 18 and thought I would try to answer your question. I was willing to talk to my mom about it so I didn't experience this myself but I saw some friends go through this. Since she doesn't really want to talk about it then you have to bring it up in a comfortable situation. Take her out shopping for a little while or do something fun together so that your both in a great mood. Then when you get home tell her that you want to chat with her for a few minuets. Don't do it in the car because she might feel trapped. Once you have her attention tell her that you understand that she will eventually have sex if she hasn't already and its OK. Its normal. You don't judge her for that but you just want her to be safe. Tell her that you made an appointment with her doctor to discuss birth control options so that pregnancy doesn't become an issue. Tell her you just want her to be safe. Ask her if she has any questions and be willing to answer EVERYTHING honestly and non-judge mental. Hopefully she will open up to you. If not, don't force her. If you two have the relationship you say you do, then she will eventually. Also ask her if she wants you to go into the doctors office with her or if she wants to go on her own. That will show her that you trust her and your letting her grow up a little. That might help her open up to you. It might help her if you tell her about your first time. The good and bad. Just don't get TOO detailed because most kids don't want to picture their mom having sex. It's just weird.
I hope I helped!

Good luck!
Brit

Answer 5

When I was a young girl I had sex at the age of fourteen. He pulled out just before ejaculation but I still worried that I was pregnant. He was four years older than I was but it was my choice to have sex with him I didn't like it at all, it hurt and I bled. I walked cow boy style for nearly a week. My mother noticed and took me to the gynecologist, although I denied having had sex. She probably was told by the doctor that I was no longer a virgin, and then she talked to me about birth control She told me that there was no reason that a girl should accidentally become pregnant in the day and age of so many forms of contraception. I wasn't sexually active for years after that, but I was aware of my options and that helped me a lot. When I did become active at the age of eighteen, I used birth control. You are a caring, progressive minded mother and I think that you are doing the right thing. Kudos to you, your daughter is very fortunate. Don't let her father change what you know is best to do, he's a man looking at it from a man's point of view. He doesn't want to think of his little girl having sex. Just do the right thing by her, and the two of you will be fine.

Answer 6

I think it is a great idea and she will appreciate it in the future. My mom suspected things but never discussed birth control options, and I didn't get a gyno exam until I moved out.

It was rather embaressing, though nice, to have my bf's mother discuss birth control pills with me when I was 15. She said she didn't know if I was planning on having sex with her son or if we already had, but she wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be bringing any grandchildren into the world in the near future.

Explain to her that all women have to go through it, and tell her you aren't judging her decisions and you trust her. Let her know that you want her to be safe and healthy and informed about all of the misconceptions about sex and birth control options.

Answer 7

This is hard for me. I am a 27 year old and I have a child of my own. When I was younger around your daughters age my mother asked me if I wanted her to put me on birth control. At the time I was still a virgin. I also thought that if I said yes that she would then assume that I was having or planning on having sex soon. I wish that she hadn't asked. I wish that she had just taken me to the doc. and had it done...I had an abortion as a teen. It was one of the hardest things that I ever went through. YOU are the mom. Put her on the b.c. There are other benifits to it. Some of them help with acne. They also make periods easier. Make sure that you tell her all of these things...tell her that I said that sometimes that time comes and you are with a boy and you just end up making a bad decision. (like me). It would be better to have the b.c. just in case. If you or your daughter need any info or just to [e-mail]

Answer 8

Hey hun,

i am a fifteen year old girl and i have the feeling you love your daughter more then she knows.
i was sent away by my mother at 11 to my father. this would have been the biggest mistake for my mum.
i was bashed by my father everyday for 4 years. i am now living back with my mum and having the best time in my life i have met someone who has agreeded not to have sex until we really think we should and i have explained to my boyfriend that this may not be until i am 20.he agreeded.My mother has sat me down and told me why she sent me away, i understand as i was a rebel when i was younger.and she was doing this to try and get me to relise that not everything can go my way or i cant do what i want when i want to. she did not no my father was going to do this to me otherwise she wouldnt have done it she also told me she did this out of her love. which i understand. i think the best thing for you to do would be to take her to the movies or shopping or something she likes and then sit her down and talk to her and tell her your point of view on what she is doing and also why you would like her to do a gyno. mshe will hopefully see it from your point of view. This is a very hard time on a teenages life and you will also have to put in mind peer presure. under the presure of peers many stupid things could happen as i have been through the same thing.

Good luck hun i hope she understands.

Answer 9

I'm 15. Sit her down and tell her sex is nothing without love. And it isn't anyway. I do think it's gross that people my age have sex and you can tell your daughter not to do it but than she'll just want to do it because you object. Explain to her she is becoming an adult and she needs to know that sex is only good in a committed loving relationship. Try to talk to your ex. It will be easier if you're both on the same page. Try to get him to see she's not little anymore. If you guys can talk about anything than she should trust your opinion. It says a lot that you're trying to get her to understan birth control. Even if she does decide to have sex tell her she needs to use at least two forms of birth control. Hope that helps.

Answer 10

You know, even if she's not having sex, girls should see a GYN when their period becomes regular. That way a file is started that will keep track of normal histology (cell anatomy) and anatomy of the sexual organs. She should also have had a breast exam for lumps and a pap smear by now. I would present this appointment NOT as a response to sex, but rather as a regular medical appointment that all girls should have.

What she talks about with the doctor is between her and the doctor, but it often helps to have someone NOT mom discuss sexual relationships.

I plan on telling my girls that they certainly have free choice, but in my own experience, I wish I would have waited to have sex. The emotions and the physical requirements are very difficult to balance as a teenager. And I have no qualms about saying that I WISH that they would wait.

Good luck.

Answer 11

Dear, I am glad to hear that you are a mom that is an active part in your daughters life.

I think you should just tell her your fears on the matter, and that you are just afraid you would become a grandma to soon, or that you are afraid for her health. Getting pregnant at a young age isn't good for you. Also, if she doesn't like your explanation maybe the gyno can help a little bit more on the explanation. Gyno's if they are good ones are pretty good at that kind of stuff.