My sisters partners wife passed away nearly a year ago is he ready for a relationship?

Question

She has been with him for 8 months, he has 2 children and she frequently gets upset as she feels she is just there to babysit. People reassure her it will pass, as does he, but she knows he doesnt love her yet although she loves him and doesnt want to lose him. I just want her to be happy and for him to treat her how she deserves, should she wait for him? do you have any advice I can give her?

Answer 1

in his shoes.

Answer 2

I've heard before that bereaved men move onto a relationship again usually sooner than women do whether they have kids or not. Am sure he doesn't mean to make her feel like a babysitter, but he is doing that, nonetheless. Maybe she'd be better distancing herself from him, remaining friends if possible and when bit more time's passed see if they can try again. Although he's bereaved and not separated from his wife, there's a chance she's his 'rebound' and so will probably get hurt. Friendship is probably more what he needs rather than a relationship, so if she's capable of offering this, less chance she'll get hurt. Do agree with advice above though - best to just let her know you'll always be there for her, no matter what she decides to do - she needs to figure this one out on her own.

Answer 3

At 8 mos., they are just really starting to get to know each other as that is when people start getting of their "best" behaviour and show how they truly are.

If she is already fed up, it could be the chemistry with his kids and if she has reservations, it could be a giant RED FLAG. Divorced friends that have told me the difference between what was right and what didn't work knew immediately after meeting the kids that would be an integral part of their lives whether or not they feel they could be a "real" parent to the child and could not, it was not the right relationship and took the high road and cut off the relationship for the sake of the child with no regrets.

Answer 4

Whenever you choose a partner with children, they are part and parcel of the relationship. Their mother passed away, and you did not specify their age or what their mother died of. However, they are going through a terrible loss and so is their father. This is the starting point for your sister. If she wants to have this man she must understand that he is a package deal. It's a family in grieving that she has taken on. I think she should be grateful that at least his kids are not resentful of her and he is willing to make this work. The more opinions of other people regarding her relationship that she is taking the worse it will get for her. No one really knows what it is like for this family that lost so much.
Your sister needs to think about this for herself and know that sometimes in life being selfish and putting yourself in the centre of a relationship basically destroys it. If she loves this man and wants to keep him PROVE IT WITH UNSELFISH ACTIONS AND PUT HIS KIDS FIRST AND FOREMOST that is how he will see that she is truly ready to be part of his life and he will appreciate her more.
If she thinks it is too much to take on, I suggest for her to find someone who is single and has no kids from a previous marriage. Although, a word of warning: Just because you do not see someones "baggage" does not mean he doesn't have issues.

Answer 5

Sounds like she came on the scene shortly after the wife died and has assumed the caregivers responsibilities. Taking on those responsibilities does not entitle her to any returned affections from the man. Neither you nor your sister will ever be able to force him to feel different. And she is being silly if she thinks that by being at his beck and call he will grow to love her. If the mutual attraction were there then he would be responding to it, but if he's leaving her at home to watch his kids while he's out with his buddies every night then I'd say you're right and she's just the babysitter/housekeeper/bed warmer.
It boils down to this: she's the one who has to live her life, nobody else can do that for her. If she wants to subject herself to this man and his ways then she does it with her eyes open. She's the only one who can really tell what is going on, she just needs to step back and look at it with her head and not her heart. Look at the "what I got" as opposed to the "what I want" and if she can live with the difference then so should you. Be her friend and support her decision - even if it's not yours.

Answer 6

Everyone grieves in their own way, and some people take years to get over the loss of a loved one. It sounds like your sister's partner hasn't dealt with his loss yet.

He may be trying to provide some stability at home for the sake of his children. Or, he simply may need help (a babysitter) with his children. Although he may be well-intentioned, he isn't being fair to your sister.

Your sister deserves to be happy, she deserves to be with someone who is emotionally able to "commit" to her. Although her partner may be a wonderful person and she may love him, I honestly don't think he's able to give her what she's looking for at this time.

As difficult as it may be for your sister to hear, you can't "lose" something you never had. She needs to move into her own place. He doesn't love her and he has no reason to marry her, she's already providing him with everything he wants and needs. Your sister needs to take a hard look at her decision. She deserves better.

Good luck.

Answer 7

He will be going through many emotions for a long time yet and will not truly know what he wants. He could well be looking for someone just to be there for him until this passes. I am talking through experience and it was unknown to me for many years what I wanted. However, I made hasty decisions which I wish I could have changed, fortunately I am coping better now and I am so pleased that I did not jump into anything so soon. I would ask your sister to be there for him but not make Hasty decisions on a permanent basis for her own sake and the family she is caring for with the partner.

Answer 8

well, if he's still grieving maybe he just needs some more time. if he's upset now, imagine what he might be like if his girlfriend dumps him aswell. my advice is for her to stay a little bit longer, after all, she does love him, and see how things go. perhaps he's finding it difficult to say "I love you" already, or maybe he feels like he'd be moving on too quickly. i think your sister should let him know she understands, and is there for him as long as he needs her. but if she doesn't see a change and still feels like the babysitter in a few months time, she should have a chat with him to find out where it's really going. for the time being, i'm sure he's finding it hard to look after the children (who are also grieving for their mother) while keepig his composure, so needs your sister's help to reassure them it's ok.

Answer 9

I assume she is adult age Cara. If that is so, there's not much advice you or anyone can give her that she will take. It's a bad situation but she ain't leaving him, so don't waste your time trying to "advise" her. She'll resent anything you tell her.

So best you can do is reassure her you are there for her and be there when the bubble bursts.

Good Luck

Answer 10

some widows/widowers extremely have a complicated time letting bypass. i do not imagine he's optimal you on as a lot as per chance he would not recognize what he needs himself or perchance he's only no longer in touch. Its attainable he's fairly no longer particular this relationship is a few thing she ought to "approve" of or perchance even after 5 years he's isn't fairly waiting to bypass on yet, or it will be once you're the first human being he's relationship in view that she handed on to the great beyond in a fashion it ought to sense to him like he's dishonest on her. My dad died 5 years in the past and my mom is only now beginning to "imagine" of relationship. My BF's spouse died practically 7 years in the past. He and that i have now been relationship for 2 years. between the time she handed on to the great beyond and the time that he and that i began relationship, he grew to grow to be engaged to a distinct lady, yet issues did not exercising consultation he reported that this lady reported she became only a alternative for his first spouse and that she stated his in-regulations as a difficulty because he became nonetheless on good words with them and is going to their homes on vacation journeys & stuff.. I although, have under no circumstances felt like that, i have under no circumstances felt compared to her and performance no topics jointly with her relatives, i love them. diverse then your concern regardless of the actuality that, they'd no little ones, she were given ill shortly when they were given married and handed on to the great beyond 2.5 years later. He extremely under no circumstances talks about her until eventually we are in coversation and he thinks of a few thing, or if I ask. i am going to tell he nonetheless loves her, yet he loves me besides. I settle for that he had a life in the previous he met me and obviously she became a huge area of that life. he's 39 and that i'm 34. even as there nonetheless can be a threat with this guy, i imagine its time so that you'll bypass on. he's regrettably no longer extremely displaying any pastime in you.

Answer 11

things may change but they may not.....she needs to tell him that he is hurting her.....and she needs to look at the fact that she may be the rebound girl.....if he doesn't love her she maybe just the babysitter......is it worth it.......she sounds like a caring person and maybe she should just do her thing and if/when he's ready then try to work things out.....a year isn't very long in the big picture so he most likely isn't ready.......sorry to hear that