My Husband Always Puts Me Down?

Question

Over the past 6 months I have gone through debilitatating back pain and disability. Yes it was of course hard on my husband since I became a bitter and angry person but he has gotten in the habit of putting me down verbally. I have come so far and feel so much better after having surgery in December but he still puts me down all the time. I don't do enough in bed for him, I am dumb, I am irrwsponsible etc. Today he lost my keys and so I became angry that he prevented me from 1. Dropping our daughter off at school and 2. Preventing me from going to my physical therapy (that I desperately need to feel okay) So I became angry and was avoiding him because of my anger and I got a message on my machine saying he hopes I never make it to P. therapy ever again, that he doesn't feel sorry for me and then I go this email. CAn't find your keys, can't go to pt appt., I feel so bad for you Not
Am I just a pathetic girl with low self esteem to stay with this jerk or am I being oversensitve?

It seems every time he is unhappy with me in any way, he lets me know how much he hates me and everything about me. The sad thing is, that he makes me feel so special and loved otherwise so my head is really messed up and I don't know what to do.

Keep in mind that we are married with 2 kids. If he was just a boyfriend I would have ditched him months ago. He promises to stop the verbal assaults but then does it again the next time. His violence and anger are escalating but I feel trapped. I don't want my daughter to grow up having to be torn between two houses. Is my suffering justified???

LOL I am getting put down here too! Sorry , didn't realize reading more than 2 sentences was so hard. Why can't people just be helpful instead of nasty? Looks like I am not the only miserable person on Answers. Thanks though to those who cared to answer in a helpful way.

Fat???? Ugly???? Is this my husband talking?????

My husbands latest email....by the way he has only gone 3 days without sex and just days ago he was telling me how great our sex was the night before. He flip flops and then expects me to figure out what he really ia about........his email said....I might be symathetic if.. I got some lovin this weekend. but no, the well is dry my poor life. I wish I had a wife who liked sex. Maybe I should look around here. Wait I see one and she's cute too gotta go now I have someone to talk to...........like I want to try to be anything more for this jerk!! It isn't my fault he puts me down so much I don't want sex from HIM. It isn't my fault he makes himself totally unappealing.

Thank you for everyone answering intelligently and sympathetically.

Answer 1

You're not pathetic, just confused. And I agree, there are a lot of people with mean streaks who answer questions. You don't need that right now, it's not going to help.
Your husband sounds very resentful and immature. Unfortunately, your children are learning how relationships work. They deserve to see that you (and all people) Deserve to be treated with respect. If calmly talking doesn't help, perhaps some counseling will. If that doesn't work, it's probably time for you to consider living without him. You're not going to change him. Only he can do that. But you can change what you tolerate and what you expose your children to. Look at the big picture. Would you put up with this behavior from a friend or neighbor? Not likely. Granted, he's your husband and father of your kids but that does not give him the right to treat you like dirt. DON'T TOLERATE IT! Give him a warning, an ultimatum, whatever you want to call it. Let him know you expect to be treated with respect and won't put up with anything less. Remind him he is teaching his kids how to behave in their future relationships. Good luck to you and your kids. You all deserve better.

Answer 2

I am guessing he is in good shape physically??No one knows what it is like to have an unexpected illness until they have one,especially back pain!!!!He will never know until it happens to him.And it sounds like he has no sympathy for you.You will not get better until you get away from this situation.STRESS can make a well person sick ,not to mention a back patient.If he is mistreating you during this time of need something is wrong with this marriage.Marriage is during sickness and in health.He is a sick puppy and guess what he will get his maybe not in this life but in the next.You do not kick the person you love when they are down!Work hard to get yourself back to where you were before this injury or illness.Do not fight with this man it will only hurt you and your child.Now is the time to think about yourself and your baby.If he continues to mistreat you quietly be making plans to RUN!!!!!!No fighting or arguing or begging etc. will change his mind.Ask yourself if you really want to stay with someone that does not want you in sickness and in health???It is you and your baby now .Everything you do now should be for your precious daughter.Hey theire are good men out there.Some just can't take responsibilities when one little problem comes along.With back pain ,the LAST thing you need is a smart A running over you when you are down.Call your therapist and tell them you have no way ther and maybe speak with a counselor that can help you through this time.You shouldn't be driving yourself to therapy anyway.Driving just undoes what you have accomplished at PT.Get on the phone and call your Local Mental Health Agency and get into couseling.I am sure he will be too good to go at least you can get through this tough time and not be alone.They can give you much needed help.and also ways out if needed.There is help out there don't be ashamed of getting it.Don't make the mistake of not seeking help.It is obvious you feel helpless or you would not be on here.Also pray for guidenece and the strenghth to do what is best for you and your baby.

Answer 3

What you are going through is hard on a relationship and hard for the "well"person to cope with. I know this because my wife and I are both disabled due to chronic pain and failed back surgeries. We always tell each other that we are the only ones that would put up with us. When 1 person is hurt and the other cannot understand the pain and dealing with it on a daily basis, it causes these kinds of problems. He should definitely be more understanding and helpful to you. I think you need to be more open with him about what this is doing to you. Pain does change you and your personality. I really suggest you get some help with this from a counselor. Also, there are online support groups that may help you with people to tlak to who understand what you are dealing with and may help him see it a bit clearer too.Don't just sit back and let this get worse. Seek help if you want to save your marriage. Don't allow him to put you down.

Answer 4

Do you want your daughter/kids to grow up to marry a man/woman that verbally and mentally abuses her? THAT is what she sees everyday and she will think that it is normal. Do you EVER want your daughter to feel the way you do when your husband is abusing you? I think probably not--so what you need to do is get some counseling--both him and you together, then you apart from him. You need to find out why you will let someone abuse you. He needs to find out why he feels the need to be abusive, and how to end it--it isn't healthy--for you or your children. Get some hellp, he is abusive, and while he deserves credit for standing by you for the support of your disablilty--that is what husbands and wifes do for each other--nothing more and nothing less. It wasn't some saintly miracle that he did that--it is a common thing between married couples. I am not saying to ditch him, but you need to think more about your well being, if you are emotionally messed up how much good are you doing your kids? AND think about the well being of your kids, do you want them mentally messed up from being raised in an abusive household? If he refuses the counseling, if he won't seek help, then you need to get out, eventually emotional and verbal abuse will turn to physical abuse and things will only get worse for everyone involved.

Answer 5

Your time together is at an end. He is escalating his abusive behavior and you feel trapped. Separate now and keep the number for the police handy in case he threatens you. You don't want your children growing up thinking this poisonous behavior is to be expected among adults. IF you seek couples counseling you may have a chance, but otherwise leave, very carefully. What has been verbal and emotional abuse may escalate into physical abuse when he learns you are leaving. And please see a lawyer first, so you don't do anything to damage your standing in court should it come to that.

Answer 6

If you think counselling will help, of course try that. He sounds like a horribly insensitive man with alot of problems. And he probably won't be too excited about getting help for these problems. If not, you need to end this. The abuse will only get worse. This is just not exceptable. You may be disabled now, but going to physical therapy is vital in your healing process. I do not understand his attitude about this and also not caring if your daughter makes it to school. Sounds like he's not getting enough attention, when you are the one that truly needs help and attention right now. Best wishes to you, my advice. RUN!

Answer 7

I really sympathize with you.You have several issues here.The fact that your husband constanly puts you down is a huge red flag.You do not deserve to be disrespected and made to feel inferior.Marriage is a partnership and you should alway's beable to depend on your spouse for every type of support,physical,emotional,ect..The fact that you allow him to treat you this way is defiantely a sign that you do have low self esteem and that does not make you a bad person it just means that you need to learn how to stand up for yourself.You said that you have children together and if he was just your boyfriend you would ditch him.The fact that he is your husband and he is treating you this way is even more reason for you to leave him.the biggest mistake that parents make is staying togteher because they have kids.In the end the children pay the ultimate price for growing up in a unhappy home.children adjust much better to living in seperate homes then they do to living in one unhappy home.You need to take a stand and do what is best for not only yourself but for your children as well.And staying with a husband that verbally abuses you is no way to raise your children.If you have physical problems and your husband is putting you down and not supporting you emotionally then he does not love you and you deserve better.If you stay with him you are setting a horrible example to your children of what marriage is all about.Good Luck to you & your kid's.

Answer 8

It doesn't matter if you're married with two kids. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Believe me, this kind of abuse leaves scars for life. I was also married with one child but I got out of the situation......your husband sounds like the kind of jerk my husband was. Also, your children are picking up on this and he is teaching them how to treat other people, especially their mother. Please get out of this situation because he is NOT going to change, and the more he does this, the more your self-esteem is going to suffer and you're going to have as many issues as I have now. And my son says I have more issues than National Geographic!!! LOL Good luck to you!!!!!

PS: About the additional details: Him going back and forth talking about how great the sex was and then changing his tune, is also a form of emotional abuse. He's trying to keep you confused about how he feels. This is soooooo typical.

Answer 9

You don't deserve that. Don't put up with his anger and him putting you down all the time. It doesn't matter whether you are disablied or not. He has no right to treat you like dirt. In fact he should be supportive and trying to help you instead of putting you down. My husband would never do that to me. Whenever I get hurt or am upset he always confronts me and that is what you need. You don't need a guy who would put you down and make you feel stupid and dumb because your not. You deserve a better man and you don't deserve him treating you like this. Do yourself and your daugther a favor and leave him. Don't put up with this. Take it from your fellow female and I'm telling you this from my heart. I care about you and I don't want to hear about you staying and letting him tear you up like this. If I were you I won't put up with this. Instead of comfronting you and being there for you. He's tearing you down and treating you like dirt. Don't put up with this.

Answer 10

Have you found your keys? how can little things get so blow out or proportion and your husband is a child, i hope you get better and can take a cab to your appointments cause your physical thereapy is important to go to.
I do not know what his problem is but they are his and he needs to deal with them. he needs some professional help and to talk them out with them and not yell at you cause he is having problems somewhere. only you can tell if your marriage has reached the point of not return and if he wants out as well. good luck to you.