can I get the trust back and start getting our marrage back on track
2007-01-29 02:27:18 · 26 answers · asked by Tina D 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Maybe from a one night stand, but a full blown affair, probably not.
He gave more than just that one part of himself to her.
2007-01-29 02:35:07 · answer #1 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will probably need some sort of counseling--at least. You have to be willing to forgive him, and forget what he did. That doesn't mean the trust will come back--because he will have to earn that back. You need time to heal, you need time to make sure that you aren't emotionally damaged to the point of no return, because if you are there isn't enough counseling in the world that can help. You will need to find out why he cheated, was it for the sex? Was it an emotional cheat--where he felt something is missing? etc etc. Once you have found this out--it will be easier to focus on the problem that led to the cheating. But you must make sure that you are preparing yourself for an agonizing first couple of sessions. Most cheaters are those that chose to blame others, instead of standing up and dealing with the problems--which means they will blame you for all the problems that led to the behavior they created. What you must remember through ALL of this is that it won't work if you can't forgive, and it wasn't your fault __NO MATTER WHAT--because he should have been a stand up guy and tried to resolve the problems. The simple fact is that if your marriage was in that much jeopardy then he should have stood up and said--lets get counseling, lets get a divorce, lets seperate....he didn't he took the chicken sh#t way out and cheated.
2007-01-29 02:41:12 · answer #2 · answered by Austins Mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The trust is gone. Your husband ruined that when he had the affair. I can't see how your marriage will ever get back on track. He shared a very personal part of himself with another woman and stayed in that arrangement for a year. You didn't specify if he stopped before you caught him. Sounds like you should take this as a learning experience and move on. There is no way you could ever trust him again. The same thing that made him stray to begin with is still there. Do yourself a favor and move on. Thank you and good luck.
2007-01-29 02:34:34 · answer #3 · answered by cookie 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Getting your marriage back on track is going to be hard. It's up to your husband to win you back. He destroyed your trust, and your marriage.
If your are sure it's over and he's truly sorry, get some counseling. He's the one that blew it so he's going to have to rebuild the trust. He'd better be accountable to you, and you have the right to question his every move. If it pisses him off or if he's not willing to work that hard, you might be better off moving on. When a spouse cheats, they have to make amends and deal with the resulting pain they caused. Not a lot of people can or want to work that hard but if they want their marriage to work, they don't really have a choice but to jump through every hoop the injured party needs. Whatever you do, don't let him blame you or get cranky because you still have issues. The problems were caused by him! Good luck. It can work but it won't be easy.
2007-01-29 03:19:40 · answer #4 · answered by katydid 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a very hard question. The only one that can answer it is you. You really do need to think about it. Counseling for you both is a start.
You must deal with trust and intimacy issues, will you be able to trust again, and deal with the fact that he did this to your marriage? What about him? Is the affair still ongoing? Would it ave ended if you had not found out?
2007-01-29 02:41:47 · answer #5 · answered by MintyLass* 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation is all too common these days. I too went through the same situation as you. Only I was married for 15 years and had 2 kids with him while he was having an affair with a married woman. After I found out, he begged me for another chance and I did. I did it for me and for our kids. Sadly, he had never really ended the relationship with his lover and after 3 more years of misery, I gave him the boot.
My advise to you is to get into counseling immediately. You both need a marriage counselor to help you cope with infidelity, heal and restore and he needs someone to be accountable to. It's almost impossible to just try to work these things on your own and I don't advise it. Bottom line is that it will take you a long time to trust in him again. Once that trust is broken, it takes a long time to regain it. Your husband is going to have to be patient and understand that he's the reason why you don't trust him anymore. He'll have to work overtime to gain that trust back.
Again, please get a marriage counselor ASAP. If you can't afford one, check your local church or through your medical insurance plan. Do whatever you have to do to get into counseling. Good luck!
2007-01-29 02:35:20 · answer #6 · answered by jazz_lover_25 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am the victim of a cheating husband, too. Everybody is different and all I can tell you is how I handled it. It may not be right for you.
It is going to take a hell of a lot of time, patients and forgiveness on your part. First, is he sorry and take responsibility for his behavior or does he blame you for his actions? If you feel he is truly sorry, then start with counseling. I don't believe in throwing away a marriage until there is nothing left to do.
For me, I never trusted my husband 100% again. There was ALWAYS doubt and wonder....is he doing it again? Why is he acting like this-is he having another affair? Always questioning his actions. And of course, his affair was all my fault (or so he says) and I was constantly questioning my actions, wondering if I am doing something to cause him to have another affair. Ultimately, it lead to our divorce.
Good Luck to You!
2007-01-29 02:41:33 · answer #7 · answered by Pom♥Mom Spay and Neuter 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot get the trust back . He broke it and now you need to decide do you want to always be doubting him when he tells you where he was . Believe me it will come to this . You need to get a lawyer and get a divorce he cannot be trusted any more . Once a cheater always a cheater . it is not worth living in this kind of turmoil . get a divorce and move on . good luck.
2007-01-29 03:11:06 · answer #8 · answered by Kate T. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can gain back the trust. Go see a therapist, it will be hard, but if you want to try again you need to give it your all and make sure your husband is giving it his all. He may be having some problems of his own. Mid-life crisis?
2007-01-29 02:53:11 · answer #9 · answered by Whirled Peas 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u know l have been through the same situation, and u never think it will happen to u right. l say have a plan B and get the hell out of the marriage. he has no respect for u. dont lower ur standards and sure as hell dont let him lower ur self esteem cause u r better than that and u sure didnt say l do to that in ur vows did u. no one can complete u but urself. love is not supose to hurt this bad right, so say to urself when is enough for u and plus he has been doing it for a year, be careful lot of STD's out there that he could bring home. be strong and do what u have to do to better urself and ur situation. leave him . good luck
2007-01-29 02:38:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust is earned not given! It will be hard to trust him again, however you might forgive but you will never forget. That's going to be the hardest is trying to get over forgetting this happened. But you will either deal with it or move on. Good luck
2007-01-29 03:40:21 · answer #11 · answered by sbratt2 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋