What to do when my son tells me.....?

Question

Okay. I have a 5 year old son and I got divorced about 8 months ago from a 6 year marriage. My son just had a party for his birthday and my ex,his dad,didn't even bother to call him for his birthday and he has told me that he didn't want to know anything about us. My son asked me if his daddy was going to be at the party, and I told him no and that we wouldn't see daddy anymore (his choice). Then he tells me "Mommy, but I need a daddy." he was sobbing. I of course tried to stay strong and explain that Mommy is a mommy and daddy for him now and I will provide everything to him and etc. But inside I'm dying at this point and am close to a break down. I have a new friend, which is a male, and nothing else. Well, he brings my son a gift for his birthday and my son asked me if he was going to be his new daddy and I explained that he was just mommy's friend. What can I do? How can I prevent him from feeling pain? I grew up w/o a dad and it was hard. I don't want this to affect him.

I don't want him to continue to be confused and it's just been very hard. If anyone can help...it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Fisrt of all, you cannot tell you son that he doesn't have a daddy, although he is an unexcusable scumbag, for your son's sake, tell him that he does have a dad that loves him very much and that unfortunately he couldn;t be present.

You son is very young and yes, he does need a male role model and the need tto feel loved and he does need a family. TRy your best not to put his dad down in front of him, is natural for a child to love his father and you cannot take that away from him. I know that your ex is a cold-hearted idiot, but rememeber he is still the father of your child and that you cannot make your son feel guilty for loving his father.

Secondlu, you don't need to rush into finding him a "daddy". Unless your relationship becomes "exclusive", don;t bother investing your son's heart into getting attached to someone and then get 'abandoned" again. You did very good about telling your son that he was "just a friend", and althogh your son is craving for a father, take things slow and don't rush into making afamily for him if is not serious.

Tell him that he has a dady and that he loves you and that none can replace that special bond in between the two of them. Also tell him (when it happens) that is ok to love someone else besides his father and that his heart is soo big that he has space for two special people in his life.

Good luck

Answer 2

I don't have any real advice. I don't see how your son can't be confused. He's just too young to understand. I probably wouldn't have told him that he wasn't going to see his daddy anymore and that was his daddy's choice, because he probably felt totally rejected, but I understand, too, that it's a hard question to answer, especially to a 5 yo. Maybe I would have, I don't know. I've never had to confront something like that. My husband's bio father wasn't involved in his life either (his parents also divorced when he was 5). Now he's 30 and his dad has begun making contact again, and they talk occasionally and sometimes get together, but he is very guarded about him (of course, I don't blame him). I know his mother, until he was almost 30, still brought up how his father didn't want him and she raised him and his sister by herself and how he needed to be a better dad than his was (my husband was suffering from PTSD after the war, so he had extreme problems with intimacy and basically didn't help me with our daughter until she was almost 1, but he's much better now. Anyway...). I felt it was horrible that she always brought it up when he was already in an extremely emotional state (like when he would be up crying until 6 a.m. because of his combat experiences). All I can do is offer my sympathy and wish you the best.

Answer 3

You can start by not telling him that his daddy doesn't want him anymore. Divorce is hard enough on children, they don't need to feel they were the cause. If that man is not going to be any of interest for you, then continue to keep him as a friend. You do need to explain to your son that what is going on is not his fault and that you love him very much. Do not bad mouth his father, he will only resent you for this. He must learn what a deadbeat his dad was on his own. The only thing you can do is be there for your son and let him know how special he is everyday. It's going to be hard, but believe me it will get better. My ex doesn't have anything to do with my daughter and she had a hard time with that in the beginning. I never informed her that her father never wanted her, and she grew up to see that for herself. She is now 14 and is very intelligent and beautiful. I get the gratification of knowing I did that. He will never know what a great individual she has become. You continue loving your son and giving him the love and attention he needs and everything will eventually fall into place. Thank you and GOD bless.

Answer 4

First of all, children don't have to know about adult business. He's just a baby and too young to understand things. You made a grave error in saying what you did, you need to learn how to be more diplomatic and not get back at your husband by tearing your son apart. Do you realize how what you said affected him mentally? How it makes him feel about himself? If his father doensn't love him then there has to be something wrong with him. That is how kids think, like everything is their fault.

It is your job as his mother to protect him from the harsh realities of life. You could have said something different to soothe the poor kid. You can't be his mother and father, only his father can be his father. Try to talk to your ex about your son, if not just for our son's sake. The most important parent in your child's life is the same sex parent, so if you had a daughter you would be the most important person to teach her how to be a woman. I suggest that if you can't do it, have a family member who your ex will listen to to intervene and be part of this poor little boys life.

Your feelings aren't what is important now, you are an adult and can handle situations, he's just a baby who needs to feel secure and loved and don't bring a stranger in to fill the role of daddy because that will only mix the poor kid up more.

Answer 5

My parents were divorced when I was 7. I didn't really understand everything. For a while I thought "I had no father", but that wasn't exactly right. Then for a while I thought I was the "man of the house". That just got me into trouble. I was much, much older - like 20's or 30's (I'm 42 now) before I had it all in perspective. I became a very quiet kid, my Mom says, all the way until I went to college. I'm a successful well-adjusted adult now.

I guess my point is that there is nothing in particular that you can do, except be a good mom. He will experience the divorce in his own way, for likely a very long time. He should be fine. Just keep being honest with him, and don't make anything up or bend the truth to try to make him feel better. The truth is usually best.

Answer 6

For starters, you can't prevent him from feeling pain and it was a mistake on your part to tell your son that he would never see his daddy again. That's too hard a blow for a child to bear; especially since it's guaranteed to make him feel that he isn't lovable. While it may be true, I think that was too harsh for a child of that age. I think you need to sit your son down and explain that Daddy is very confused and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love his son. Depending on what your ex's relationship was with his son before the divorce, it might be worth a call to your ex to ask him to reconsider seeing his son, regardless of his feelings for you. I also think you need to get your son into some counseling to help him deal with this. The loss of his father is going to affect him, no matter what.

Answer 7

There is no way it is NOT going to affect him; this is just the reality of your situation.

I would advise against trying to put this new guy into that role as your son's daddy; it might not work out between you and the new guy and this might falsely raise your son's hopes.

Is there another male relative, your father, a brother perhaps, or even somebody, a male role model in your church that could go and do "Dad stuff" with him? I think this would help, although you would need to be careful about using labels in a case like that. If you are not in a church, allow me to suggest that both of you could benefit by being in one now, especially him.

My heart breaks reading this; unfortunately this is the reality of where families are today. Try to find some adult males you trust, who share your values, to spend time with your son. But I would avoid labeling any of them with the "Daddy" tag.

Answer 8

I am going through the same thing with my son. My son is 8 and his father and I divorced when he was 5. You can't stop the pain. I know it hurts you as well as your son because I feel the same way. The best thing you can do for your son is love him and you might think about getting him into counseling now so he can learn to deal with his absent father. If you ever re-marry this will help some getting a father figure in his life. I have re-married and it has helped some but he still cries about his real father. Hang in there I know it is tuff. I'm hoping as I'm sure you are that this will get better.

Answer 9

Dear Jen--
Sorry to hear this story. My own father was killed in an accident and I have no memory of him. My mother remarried when I was your son's age. The best you can do at this time is to tell your son the truth. His natural father isn't coming back, and that it is NOT your son's fault. Maybe let him know that you might not be ready yet to have a new daddy for him, and that when you are ready, you will look very hard to find a daddy that is good enough for your son. Let your son know that he is a very good boy, and that he deserves a very good man to be his new daddy.
This is a very difficult time for the both of you, and I do wish you well.
-- D

Answer 10

I am so sorry his dad is such a creep. I think for now, limit the guys you put him in contact with until you know you plan to stick with one, then introduce them.

As far as helping his loss, all you can do is listen, understand, and hold him.

As mom's we want to make it all better, but in reality, you can't. Just use any male role models you have in your family, school, social life for him and hang in there. I imagine he will have a new daddy someday. For now, just reassure him that it will be okay and make sure he is clear that his dad has problems that have not one thing to do with him. Make sure he knows it is not about him--it is all dad's problem. Let him know you will always be there and give him a lot of hugs. Keep the drama to a minimum and don't discuss any of this where he can here it. Provide the most secure, stable, predictable life for him you can. He will be okay, promise.