Since my father in law passing away, my husband and I have been fighting a lot.?

Question

Its been mostly stupid stuff. However, I have real concerns I want to discuss with him but everytime I try it turns into a screaming match and he starts name calling. He is truly inverting and not talking to me any more and I'm afraid its because of depression. I don't know what to do, I love him very much but my daughter and I need him, I just don't know how long I can hang around for the anger-fest...any advice?

Answer 1

How long ago did he loose his father? If we're talking about the last three or four months, then it's really not a good time for you to be putting a lot of pressure on him to "be there" for someone. Some people will take up to a year, depending on how close they are to their father. In America, the grieving process doesn't always go as quickly or smoothly as other countries because they expect us back at work and taking care of our families and such in three days, and that's just not enough time. In more primitive cultures, a person will a lot more time off.

Now, if we're talking about a year or two years later, that's a problem. It's a terrible loss, but at some point, life has to go on.

Answer 2

Just remember that right now he is going through some very difficult emotions. Imagine if it were your father. He more then likely even has some regrets that he is dealing with. All you can do is to be patient with him, give him the time he needs to grieve, and he will come around. Counseling might help him deal with it in a healthier way. Most churches have some kind of grief counseling available. There are different degrees of grief. Right now it sounds like he is going through the anger part of the grief. Everyone grieves in different ways but you know your husband. If you see something that needs some attention just be adamant about it. I am sure he loves you very much too, and he will be thankful that you were there for him. Sometimes death can either tear a couple apart or bring them closer together.

Answer 3

The best way to talk to someone is to first learn to listen. Men deal with emotional problems by "going into their cave" to sort it out. This is because they have to learn how to process the emotions. Back in the caveman days, this is what hunters did when faced with a problem. They took refuge, figured out the best solution to the problem, and then re-emerged ready to deal with it. In the cave they ask themselves what the conflict really is, what their part in the conflict is, what the cause of the conflict is, and more importantly, what the cure for the conflict is, and what part of the conflict is their fault, and what will it take to achieve the cure, then emerge with a plan, and will try and execute the plan. Women deal with emotional issues by venting. Women are a communal creature. While the hunters were off chasing woolly mamoths, women flocked together for protection and support. You share emotions with each other, gaining support because if someone listens, that means they care, and once you vent the emotions, you usually feel much better and you can deal again.You can see why it would be hard for a woman to understand why trying to get a man to talk about an emotionally charged issue just makes him go further into the cave. Women feel that "you must talk about it" in order to feel better because this is what works with them. This is not true with men and is a major point of misunderstanding between the sexes. The reverse is true also. When a women is having emotional issues, a man will give her space...giving her the chance to "sort it all out." The woman sees this as being abandoned in her time of need, rather than it "being the rational and caring thing to do" as seen by a man.

Present this answer to him and ask him if the man part is accurate. Then let him know that the female part is accurate also. You might be surprised that he had no idea that women vented to each other and gained feeling of love and support from it. Another big problem is that some women try to personalize the venting and the man feels he is being blamed, when in effect, it is just the woman getting rid of unwanted emotions.

Answer 4

I am sorry for your loss.Anytime you lose a parent it is alway's going to put strain on the family.It sound's like your husband is having a very difficult time dealing with the death and unfortunately usually they take their grief out on the people closest to them.Your husband is suffering from depression and without getting him help it can become very serious.If you cannot talk to him right now try writing him a letter explain to him that you understand he is suffering and you want to be there for him and help him but that arguing is getting you two nowhere.You need to look in your area and see what kind of support you can get him.Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Speak with one of his family members that he is close to and trusts. Explain the situation and see if they will talk to him. Anger is a stage of the grieving process and he is expressing the anger of losing his father at you. He needs to have a third party tell him this and offer to help him get counseling and point out that it is destroying his family. He may not even realize it is happening.

Answer 6

Men seem to go bonkers when they loose parents mine included. He needs some help badly! Suggest some counseling for the family he's not the only one hurting your whole family is. Good luck my deepest sorrow on the loss of your Father in law.

Answer 7

He needs a grief counselor. It sounds like he is grieving and taking his anger out on you. I understand his pain, I lost my father 5 1/2 years ago, while pregnant with my son, and it still hurts, but that doesn't give him an excuse to take it out on you. It's not your fault his father died. He needs someone to talk to about his sadness.
Maybe when he's in a rational mood, tell him you realize he's upset, but he's taking it out on you, and that you love him, but you're not going to tolerate him yelling at you. You don't need it and your daughter doesn't need to see it.

Answer 8

Have him see a doctor for his anger and pain... He is acting this way because he is in pain of his dad dying.... Love him where he is at and seek counseling for him and he also may need anger management.. You will also need help and learn how to deal with this and how to respond withough yelling and fighting with thim... Remember it takes two to fight and if you choose not to fight or yell when he is upset this may cause things to calm down a bit.

Answer 9

like all of the rest who've answered already, he is in need of counseling. He is still grieving and may for quite some time. Go about your business, give him the space he needs, no matter how hard it is for you, find strength in a group for yourself. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 10

I went through the same thing when my mother-in-law died. My husband took it out on me in the same way, verbal abuse. He used to be so charming and romantic but it died with him Mom. He is a bit more calm now but it lasted about 2 years. I suggest you call a councilor and make arrangements for your entire family. If he is unwilling to go, you should go for your own benefit in guidance.