Is it normal to feel like youve disapointed the ones you love???

Question

like for instance if someone says something mean to me i feel like ive disapointed my husband or my mother or my children. like im an embarassment to them. once a long time ago in grade school i started to cry because i felt like I diddnt deserve the school supplies my parents bought me. I dont understand these feelings?

Answer 1

Hi, Everyone experiences these sorts of feelings to some degree, so don't think that there's something 'wrong' with you because you've felt this way.

As someone who has been overly critical of himself in the past (and still have trouble with it), I will say that you sound as if you are also more critical of yourself than most people are of themselves. That's okay. You just need to keep working in this area and ease up on judging yourself.

There are many reasons someone might say something mean, and only one of them involves their criticism being true. Sometimes people say mean things because they're mean people, or maybe they've misunderstood you, or maybe they're having a rotten day...or whatever.

The thing to realize, though, is that, even if their criticism is true, it does not mean you are an embarrassment to ANYONE (your family, parents, kids, whoever). You can give yourself the freedom to make mistakes and still view yourself as a good, acceptable, kind, reasonable person. You are just as valuable a person as if you were perfect, and you don't need to punish yourself any longer.

It's hard to understand why some people are more self-critical than others. It often shows up at a young age. I remember mercilessly "beating myself" for any mistake I made, and I would take everyone else's criticisms very hard and give them far too much credibility. It especially happens if you grow up in a family where you are made to feel like a burden or that any mistake you make will be immediately criticized (or anything you do will be picked apart).

This is a hard way to live, because you end up trying to please everyone else all the time... and it's exhausting and impossible to measure up.

So you end up feeling crummy about yourself, as soon as someone else criticizes you, and since you can't really control someone else's attitude, they are now in control of your life and how you feel about your life and yourself. You don't want other people to be in charge of that part of you.

This is a case where you will feel a certain way (bad about yourself), but your brain can help keep you steady. Do you love your husband and kids? Do you love your family? Do you try to do your best? Did you try to do the right thing, no matter how you were feeling at the time? If you did, you have no reason to listen to these self-critical feelings, because you will know the feelings are *lying* to you.

No matter how embarrassed you feel, your brain will still know you have no real reason to be embarrassed, that it's just a feeling, and that what you should focus on is continuing to love your family and simply give them and your job(s) your all. One thing I learned is that, when I got absorbed in feeling bad, I was unable to give to others in the ways they needed. I needed to focus on other people more. [And I didn't beat myself up for making this mistake either -- it's just part of life, learning this, and getting better at it. :) ]

As far as whether you feel valuable, this is something you will have to wrestle with. Many people with a religious background come to believe that God loves them and that he doesn't make junk, even if we do make mistakes sometimes. None of us are perfect, and none of us have "everything" (brains, looks, can make everyone happy, popular, etc). We are who we are, and that's okay, because we are each special and unique. We just need to be who we are, the best that we can.

That might sound like a cliche, but it's still the basis for being able to have a healthy life, emotionally and otherwise.

So I would say that, when you are overcome by these feelings of guilt or self-embarrassment, accept that you feel that way... but also tell yourself that none of it is true. You can choose to give yourself to your family and others (they need you) instead of withdrawing and focusing on how inept you might feel. You are capable of doing great things, even when you feel bad about yourself.

I think it is a positive sign that you asked this question here, since you had to open up a little and risk more embarrassment, but thought it worth the risk. There's still hope here, so don't give up.

Take care, and work on looking at yourself in the mirror and loving yourself no matter what you see. You can do it.

Answer 2

Not to the point of low self esteem you seem to have. What does someone saying something mean, have to do with your husband, parents and kids? Most people you shouldn't care one way or another what they say, just be the best you can be to those that are most important to you,,,screw the rest!!!!

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel
I myself im gong to runaway from home in 2 weeks or so. Im moving out but i call it running away. Its a constatnt torture living near parents: are you hungry, are thirsty, are you tired, do you want anything, do you need anything, is there anything we can do for you etc, etc, etc. It drives me insane. i dont deserve this...it doesnt matter what i do or what imn trying to do but i know i will never be able to repay this....
And on top of everything im a totaly screw up....

Answer 4

sounds like low self-esteem and guilt, thats sad, I feel a lot like that sometimes. Yes it's completely normal to feel like you're a disappointment, but don't ever let it bring you down.

Answer 5

Yes it is, but we must go on...we must pray for them and for ourselves...a prayer it is very important! Take good care!

Answer 6

Don't expect anything from anyone and you will never be dissapointed. Life is full dissapointment we just get used to it.