Not sure how to put this but when I was 10 - 11 yrs old (I'm now 45), I was awoken twice during the night by my eldest brother who was 14 yrs older than me, he had lifted my nightie up and was kissing my whole body. As soon as I woke up he stopped and just said everything was ok, pulled my nightie down and left the room. He died in 1998 at the age of 51 due to cancer and regurarly I think back to this time. Often the rest of the family get together and talk about old times and ofcourse about my brother.Even though, funnily enough I do miss him but the others think he was a great guy and I'm finding it hard to join in with them as I know what he did to me. How can I tell them what he did? Should I say anything? Even if I did say anything, would I still get these horrible feelings like I do? Or would it be a kind of burden lifted off me? Would they believe me as he is not here to defend himself anymore.
Please only sensible answers if anyone can help me out with this one.
2007-01-28 23:28:00 · 30 answers · asked by bingolil 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Thanks to all who have answered so far but can I point out that my brother was 14 yrs older than me, I was only 10 - 11 yrs old at the time, making him 24 - 25 yrs old.
2007-01-28 23:49:38 · update #1
Hi there. Wow, thats quite a question.
You need to weigh up the benefits of telling your family against the benefits of keeping quiet. At the end of the day you have every right to tell them what he did, and of course you absolutely shouldnt have to listen to them saying what a wonderful guy he was. I guess you need to listen to your heart, do you WANT to tell? Im guessing you do for you to ask this question in the first place. It wont be easy telling your family; and you should prepare yourself for some negative responses because unfortunately thats how life goes - people dont know how to deal with something like this. Have you thought about having some counselling? Perhaps once you've talked through what happened with someone who isnt emotionally involved you will feel more prepared to face the possibility of telling your family. Dont go through this alone though, you've made an important step here by reaching out, and although facing these issues will feel like a mountain sometimes; in the end you will feel so much better. I wish i could offer you something more constructive than that; but nobody should influence your decision one way or another. Take care
2007-01-28 23:38:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you think you feel like this now because, sadly, he died and you know you will never be able to confront him about it? You know it can never be resolved between the both of you. I dont think confiding in your family will help either of you, all it will do is cause upset and anger so i think you need to find other means of letting go and moving on from this secret. Why not try writing him a letter? It might sound silly but try it, put down everything you feel and imagine he can read it. Then burn it and say i forgive you and move on. If you have been scarred from this then maybe a counsellor is a good idea, someone completely neutral to pour your heart out to. Think about it, counselling can be really helpful. I hope you can put this behind you, good luck x
2007-01-28 23:53:21 · answer #2 · answered by British*Bird 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my experience (limited as thought it maybe!) wounds are best dressed. Otherwise they fester and become septic. It may be worth mentioning to select members of your family, as it is now more important to look after your mental health and any strain is a bad thing! Whether he was here or not, you have a right to your say. They do say never speak ill of the dead, but they also say only the living suffer, so stop toying with it and ease your mind.
I offer my condolancies on your loss, but you are still here and this could effect you in ways you cannot imagine at the moment...But, truely, only you know what you want best!
I hope this helps!
2007-01-29 02:17:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you would feel a little relieved but it would only be for a short time and then things would go back and i'm not sure how the rest of your family would react they may just think that your attention seeking or jealous of your brother... I do understand how it makes you feel been in a similar situation but the best thing for you to do first would be to see a doctor or psychiatrist and talk to them who will help you through it and help you move on... they will also help you tell your family.
2007-01-28 23:38:55 · answer #4 · answered by jojo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hrmmm... that is a tuff one. I would say first off from first hand experience that you should confide in someone. It can be quite cathartic to not bottle it all up. But as far as talking to the family about it I would say it would depend on your family. I know of folks who have brought things to their families attention that have gotten berated blamed and ostracized. Not saying this was right of them but some folks may have put your brother upon a pedestal of sorts especially now that he has passed.
2007-01-28 23:35:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Information like this will traumatise your family. Some will believe you and some may not. Either way, I think few will thank you. My immediate thought is "let sleeping dogs lie" but if you are feeling bad about this and getting it off your chest will feel better you, as the victim, have all the rights. However, I think you should feel very sure about what you are doing. It may blow up in your face.
xxB
2007-01-28 23:35:02 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What an awful dilemma. It must be horrible to have the memory of your brother tarnished like this.
I can only advise you what I would do in that situation - and that is keep the secret. It's horrible that it should be like that, but unless anyone else in the family had the same experience as you, then it is unlikely that you will feel better for telling them as they will not be in the position to empathise with you.
2007-01-28 23:33:22 · answer #7 · answered by Rachael H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know what happened to you was horrible - but you have to ask yourself what is to be gained from telling your family?
As your brother is no longer around to defend himself, they may not like the idea that you are going to brand him a paedophile.
On the other hand, if your family love you and are understanding then they will get over the shock.
It's obvious that it's causing you distress - so I'd be tempted to tell them.
2007-01-28 23:33:52 · answer #8 · answered by mark 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let bygones be bygones. Don't dwell on the past. Move forward and don't look back. Furthermore, he's no longer around. I know it's hard on your part as he was your brother. Anyway, it's no point of you to bring up the matter to the rest of your family members. Look on the brighter side and all will be well. Learn to be forgiving ok?
2007-01-28 23:35:07 · answer #9 · answered by freezing lady 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the big factor here is that he is dead-you don't want to taint their memories of him especially as he isn't here to defend himself,they might not believe you and it could cause a big family divide. I'd probably say you'd be best going to counselling and unburden yourself there,they will be best advising you.For now though i wouldn't stir things up over a dead man.Go talk to a professional!
2007-01-28 23:35:06 · answer #10 · answered by munki 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋