Why do counsellors always attribute problems because of my absent mother?

Question

my mum left when i was 16 mths old & now i'm having counselling!! BUT...i dont believe that my mum is the cause as "what you never have you dont miss" so why do they continuosly blame it on her? personally i dont think so

Answer 1

There's good wisdom in the saying "what you never have, you don't miss".

There's also a golden rule of counselling that the counsellor never knows the client better than the client knows themselves. \let me encourage you to trust your inner wisdom on this.

If your experience is that you had good parenting from your dad and whoever else helped him, what reason do you have to accept anyone else's word saying otherwise?

I recoil from "blame" too. Could it be that some counsellor/s' attitude of blaming may have been part of what is getting you saying no to these interpretations about your mum??

Would you accept the idea that everything that you have experienced has helped to shape your present personality? That we may be stronger or weaker after, yielding or resistant to, skilful or unskilful with, co-operative with or reacting against what happens, but it all makes a difference? From this premiss, you might choose to ask yourself what do YOU feel, think, or imagine might have been the effect on you of your mum leaving when you were 16 mths old? Without any blame or judgment on anyone, just observing yourself with self-awareness, allowing that perhaps it could have made a difference at the time and/or later?

And may I make one other suggestion. Past is past. How are you, and your counsellor, at focusing on changing what you are eager to change now, and creating whatever new habits of thought and feeling will make a difference for good in your life from now on?

Answer 2

You're saying 'counsellors' so I'm assuming more than just one has come to this same conclusion. Perhaps, you need to adjust you're thinking here and go along with the process instead of fighting it.

You might not miss what you've never had, but you had your mother in your life for 16 months, whether you can remember it or not. Infants experience trauma, pain, joy, etc just like grown folks do. There can often be a level of expectation about life without experiencing some things in your life. When you were much younger, I'm sure you had a longing for your 'mum' that went unfulfilled. You may have 'gotten over it' in your conscious mind, but your counsellors may see some of that still there. And its not a blame game. Its more of the root cause of why you are the way you are now.

Instead of fighting it, fix it.

Answer 3

Admittedly, i have not been listening to this debate along with your attitude, yet who's been blaming the single mom for unmarried parent homes? a number of the lawsuits I have heard manage the priority as an entire. It appears like you're admitting being a unmarried parent is more problematical and would bring about additional desirable economic complications, yet you do not go with anybody else to observe this difficulty? each and anyone else is only meant to assert being a unmarried parent is remarkable without complications? And, I listen so a lot more desirable criticism heaped on absent fathers for leaving than I do for the moms who stay in the back of. each and every time you turn round, states are passing new law attempting to emphasise fathers to possess as a lot as their household projects. regardless of the actuality that the priority isn't close to to being fastened, i do not imagine maximum individuals enable the absent father off the hook.

Answer 4

I'm not qualified to absolutely give you a BEST answer and neither are most
of the others you'll read. Try asking the counselors who suggested such to you why they did! Perhaps you just mentioned about her leaving, or repeated
something about it, or how you felt different because you didn't have a mom at home or etc etc. Usually they're looking for a pattern -- like a lie detector does. maybe you were real staunch in claiming to be JUST LIKE ALL THE
OTHER KIDS, or perhaps you never really addressed how you might have
been affected when the other kids were talking about MOM or their MOM
was giving them a hug or making a joke or correcting them when they were wrong OR you always resented it when they COMPLAINED about their MOM
and you thought privately "they ought to be THANKFUL to HAVE a Mom!"

Answer 5

Because of the way mothers are viewed in society relates to the impact they have on your life, even by being absent! The counselor may be entirely correct! My daughter had problems because of her absent (not dead) mother! WHen mother daughter things happened at school, she had dad, not mom! This left a lasting effect in the questions of what is wrong with me- why doesnt my mother love me!

Answer 6

Perhaps it has affected you a lot more than you realise and is at the root of your problems. They will have obviously delved into your life and feel that the lack of a mum could be the underlying cause of your problems.

Answer 7

Because psychology always has a root cause for all behaviors. Thats what its based on. Behavior NEVER just happens. In psych you're a product of your environment. Your counselor is prob. thinking that subconsciously your mothers absence has affected you in ways that you're not completely aware.

Answer 8

It dosnt seem to matter what our problems are it seems to always come back to the mother as far as counsellors are concerned

Answer 9

I don't know. In my observations a lot of people have emotional dysfunction as a result of a poor or lacking relationship with their fathers.

Answer 10

the fact that ure asking this question shows that it bothers you so therefore your counsellor is right. what does not have an importance in your life has no effect on it.