How do I fix a 3-year relationship filled with lies, betrayal, infidelity, pain & arguing?

Question

We know we still love each other very much even after everything that has happened. We want to fix it but how? How can you fix that? Is it even possible? Please if you know how GOD please tell me!

Answer 1

My boyfriend and I use to always fight. he broke up with me two years ago (today, actually). A few days after he wanted me back. We got back together. Sometimes I still wonder why, just because we do still fight. We love each other with such a passion. Sometimes I even think the only reason we are together is because we are both afraid to be alone. That is no reason to keep a relationship going, and everyone knows that. We both wonder what it would be like apart, and I don't think my life would ever be the same if I didn't have him in my life, and the thought of that does in fact scare the hell out of me. Same for him. So we have chosen us. We have to work at it, some days we work really hard at it. But to us, we are worth the fight. We mean the world to each other, and we can both equally say that, and trust that. Respect each other for all your worth, love each other. Most important you have to believe in one another and trust yourself, and each other. Then ten, even twenty years, look back on this hard time and know that you guys made it.
All the best. Sometimes you will have to work really hard, maybe even want to tear each other eyes out (LOL). But look toward tomorrow and know that this too shall pass.

Answer 2

Lies
Betrayal
Infidelity
Pain
Arguing
All that misery packed into only 3 years? That didnt leave time for much else. If your first three years (the ones where everything is supposed to be fresh, new, and exciting) were that bad I cant imagine what will happen to you when some time goes by and you get to the point when you have to work at it to avoid burnout.
I would normally say that everything but the lies can be overcome and put in the past (you will never completely trust him again) but I think the odds are against you in this case. I'd say your best move is to take the temporary pain of a break up and move on with your life. Not set yourself up for future misery.

Answer 3

My husband and I went through something similar and are still together after 10 years...the only thing I can tell you is that you really have to ask yourself, "Can I ever trust this person ever again?" If you find yourself waivering on the answer or saying No, than you probably either need to get out of the relationship or seek couples therapy.

I can tell you that it's worse to live with someone you love but don't trust than to live without them. It's unhealthy for you and for him, when you are constantly worried he's doing the same ol same ol (or vice versa...I have no idea the specifics of your situation) and for the other person to be worried that you are constantly wondering if what he's saying is true or not.

If you think there is anyway to salvage your relationship do it by talkingn to eachother. I told my husband, "I already know the truth, now just tell me anything else you may have done...the damage has been done and there will be no consequences for anthing else you tell me because you couldn't possibly hurt me more than you already have." After he figured out that being honest and open with me had less consequences than deceit and hurtfulness would he was much more open with me and in turn I learned to trust him and open up to him more too.

Now we have a communication system that works for us, we have a young child and it makes it hard sometimes, but we find the best time for our chats are late at night in bed. We talk about anything on our minds, work related or personal that are bothering us and also things that are positive. We still argue and have little disagreements, but the trust is there and the love is there and it's working very well for us.

Good luck to both of you :-)

Answer 4

It's funny I just answered a question re: cheating. I got married on 12/23/06 to the man I have been living with since 01/2001 and until 3 and half years ago, your question could've been mine. It took alot of faith, amazingly enough we never went to a counselor even though we always made the attempt. Sometimes I truly feel we are obsessed with eachother but we also have a past we're 36 but have dated off and on from 14-19 with an 11 year hiatus (I was married to someone else).We're happy now, we still fight but no lies, infidelity, everyone argues, you just gotta find out if what you had/have is/was worth it.

Answer 5

You both need to go into couples therapy. You have to find out why you both lied, betrayed, had affairs and for some reason enjoyed hurting each other. This will take a while too. I hope you mean it when you say you both want to fix this. It won't work though if you don't really try, and do what the Dr. says. You both may not feel comfortable with the first Dr., so try again. Good luck.

Answer 6

If I didn't know, I would think my boyfriend is asking this question about our relationship. It's been 3 years for me too, one 6 year old beautiful baby girl, sometimes laugh and talk like we use to but often get into fights because nothing is resolved. I don't know what to tell you, except that we are afraid to be without them and hate or shall I say tired of being with them. I have been lied to, lied on, cheated on so many times and each time he come up with an excuse I would let him back in the door. Now I'm numb and I don't care what he does just want him out of my face. We have to find the strenght to leave them and stay gone.You can go to couples therapy. He asked if I wanted to go and I said hell no. Just keep your pecker in your pants then we might be OK. That's what I would suggest.

Answer 7

Such relationship is really hard to be fixed.First you both have to really realise if you love each other because how is love and all the bad thinks are compounded.When you do this and you are sure that you really love each other try to leave it all back and start again like you first met today.When a bad thought occures in your mind send it away.Do not ever look back.Always talk of thinks that makes you mad.It needs a lot of efford.If you really want to be together you will.There should be no egoism where love is.Good luck!

Answer 8

I think that accepting the fact of what happened in the past and also having in mind that everyone has made mistakes and that we all tend to do stupid things without considering the other person, but thats what happens when people get upset. If you really love each other start new and be honest and always remember no one is perfect, but that you have to commit yourself to changing and start off a fresh relatoionship by not bringing up the past when you get upset.

Answer 9

one of the things you could try is to change locale! if all the pain and betrayal happened in your current home it can be very difficult to try and forget and to begin the healing.
so if you can you should consider moving. not to another state or even city. change neighborhoodS, find a new home, start going to different restaurants, shops, just change your life completely if it is possible. and go for counselling. together as well as separately. you both need to vent, get rid of the anger, the hate, and the resentment in your lives. and you need to learn to trust again, trust each other and just as importantly you need to start trusting yourself again. you need to learn how to argue without bringing up past issues.
and i know this is going to sound silly, but you mentioned GOD. have you talked to him? i dont mean you have to go to church or get on your knees to pray, just talk to Him. it really does help, i am not particularly religious, but since i've start chatting with Him, i find myself more at peace and able to cope better with different issues and problems. i find myself chatting with Him while i am in the shower, or cooking dinner, or out walking with the dogs. just whenever. i wish you the very best of luck and
i sure hope you can sort it out!
s.b.
by the way, even though you are at odds right now, every time either of you go out, or go to bed, or just because, you need to go to the other one, give them a kiss, and tell them you love them. you said you still love each other, so tell each other every chance you get. you'll start remembering that you really do and thats a good part of the battle won!

Answer 10

I wouldn't waste my time with a marriage or relationship in this much trouble.

What couples fail to understand is that although counseling is a great tool to utilize in relationship issues, the counseling that is required goes much beyond this to each individual. Each person has issues that need to be addressed separately before any marriage counseling takes place that would be successful.

Most people who enter counseling enter it with good intentions but just do not possess the stamina and determination it takes to be successful at dealing with all the issues they personally have not to mention the marriage/relationship issues and thus they eventually give up and go their separate ways.