Mother~In~Law?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years.I love him with every breath in me.I cant stand his mom most of the time,he is 28&he acts as if he is 13.Se has a SAY in everything. She is a prude and very SNOOTY!It's like the longer we are together the worse she gets with her protectivness.@ holiday dinners she and her family barely speak to me I am pretty close with his younger brother tho.She always asks if he has had dinner and acts as if im not good enough.she makes these smart comments&f course he never catches them.I take suggestions not demands&if his younger bro and I are goofing off she will tell me to quit goofing off.When we talk about having kis or marriage she will comment that its not how her family does things or it should be a different way~I feel like it's taking a toll on our relationship I complain about her and he gets mad! They act as if I should come to every family thing of theres or I comitted a crime but if he misses their to attend mine it's a crime~ he hasn

been to a family dinner of mine in like a year~rarely comes with me to visit my family b/c he is too busy-but usually end up @ his mom house.I feel like I am in competition with her.he is getting a house like a mile down from her&I will be living there mostly but also staying with my dad b/c it's closer to my college.it's his house~I don't want her there*maybe twice a month* b/c the other times we will be @ her house..but he's made it clear in short comments that it's HIS housebut not directlyI dont know my boundaries.At first we were quick to set up an engagement and now he says it'll take time for the time to be right&there are things he has said that sound like something she has said b/4! Im going nuts and I don't want 2 end it w/ him..I don't know what 2 do..any advice from any pls!~& when we bring our dog w/ us to her house,(he uses the bathroom b/4 he comes in) and then while we are sitting there she will say.. to see if he needs to go outside..as if we can't do it w/o her saying

Also, to add to some of the comments..he says he LOVES me and then his bro was with me the other night and something was said & I said well dont' tell your mom she hates me as it is and he said No my mom LOVES you! So I don't get it~I wasn't brought up in a traditional family like he was and but we are still good ppl--when I have a family i want tradition just not hers! & I want to be a part of his family but as myself,,not as how she thinks I should be!~& I'm nice and considerate about the situation with him and he still says WHATEVER..so i don't know what to do!

Answer 1

Wow, Are you sure you want to marry into this and put up with her for the next 100 years. Nothing will change you know. She will continue to rule the roost as long as she lives.At least they want you at the family gatherings, that's a good sign.Just because you can't seem to do anything right there is not so unusual. It sounds like she is trying to teach you the family ways.You could try thanking her for showing you how to behave within their family. It sounds like their might be hope for you after all. Good Luck

Answer 2

Well that's what I am going through now and I am the "mama's boy" and my wife is going thru what u are going thru!! Before we were married, our church arranged for us to go thru a marriage counselling course and that really helped alot..it helped me to see my mum as still wanting to cling to the children and facing the empty nest syndrome. It sort of helped that I began to put my foot down on some of the nonsence that my mum practices...but I must confess that it is probably a far cry to what my wife would want of me. But its work in progress.... So what I am saying is this: Your problem is a very common one (as evident by all these replies!!) and every one has a different solution to it BUT there is only one real long term solution and that is HE must see his mum for who she is and how you see her. But pls know that it is not about you being right and he (or the mother) being wrong.. it is just that both of u has had a different upbringing and see things differently. Find a middle ground, compromise and work from there. Most importantly, u take your victories as they come along - do not expect overnight change from him nor from the mother - that would be unfair but give him time. Accept him and love his mother and things will all the more be easier for everybody. Also don't expect mother to change, they have a saying about old dogs and new tricks, right?? So change yourself.... You knock your head against wall, you will feel pain!!

Answer 3

Please here me, I speak from being there for many years, now far in my past but believe it or not she(one wicked mother-in-law) still haunts my dreams at times til this day.Details would terrify you, never under estimate just how far a mother whom may I add, is in much need of mental help would go to keep the attention of her son with her! First #1, you need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him exactly how she makes you feel,what she does, what he does or doesn't do, etc., everything that bothers or concerns you about the situation & lay it all on the table and leave nothing out. If he TRUELY loves you and wants you by his side he will be or should be by yours!BOTTOM LINE! If he is pretending not to see and hear no evil when it comes to mommy dearest, say goodbye to the little boy and go get yourself a man! Respect for yourself and from others exspecially from your partner, IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.! TRUST ME!LIFE IS TO SHORT.

Answer 4

Really, read what you wrote and then imagine you're reading it from someone else, how would you answer? You'd say dump this mummy's boy loser real quick. If at 28, he's still controlled by his mother, he will be until the day she dies. His mother is a control freak and control freaks never change and it's even worse if they control a son. Of course you can stay and you'll always be number two in your bf's eyes, you will never replace his mother and what's worse, you'll be compared to her forever. You'll get, my Mom didn't do it this way or my Mom would have done that. Your choice, freedom and a life or merntal torment ad infinitum!

Answer 5

Oh my...I'm living that situation! My hubby's mother was a single mom and my hubby is "her baby boy" as she likes to call him. She doesn't like the fact that he turns to me and not her when he has problems or issues.

NO matter what I do, I am never good enough in her eyes. At first I didn't say anything because it was his mama and my hubby loooooooooves his mama. However, it got to a point that it was starting to cause problems in our relationship.

I sat my hubby down and told him how I felt. I told him the things his mama would say and do that would cut me down. I told him how she treats me completely different when he's not around. AT first he acted as if I were crazy and I just asked him to simply be more aware. I also asked him if he would do a little experiment of his own. I requested that he hide and not let either of us know that he was watching when we both thought he wasn't around. He saw for himself how his mother acted.

When you talk to him though, you have to bring it up in a gentle way. Mama boys are very protective and defensive about them. When I brought it up I said, "I know how much you love your mama and I'm worried about her." He got all concerned and asked why. I said, "I don't think she'll be supportive when we get married." He asked why I thought that. I brought up a few of the issues. He started to get defensive but that is when I asked him to watch out for certain things and to hide.

He saw that I wasn't being jealous or critical and that I was telling the truth. He also saw how she was causing some major problems. Now he is protective of our marriage and our relationship and has no problem politely telling his mother to butt out.

Now that I have a son and he's a mama's boy.....I kind of get her. LOL. Seriously though, he has to learn to listen to you and defend you first.

Answer 6

Don't say anything else especially if he gets mad when you do. Try to have engagements with your family or friends when his family is getting together. Tell him you enjoy being with your own relatives because they are loving and caring to you. She's jealous of the relationship you both have. If he can't see it then he will when he realizes that she runs all of the girls away (trust me your probably not the only girl she did this to). You might have to stand up to her and ask her what is her problem with you. Don't complain too much and don't push him away. Remember he will stick up for his mom no matter what. He'll have to see it on his own.

Answer 7

If you love each other this much, get married. It's a sign of respect and commitment to each other. It might even sit nicely with your mother in law, but I doubt it. It appears that she doesn't care for you. The way things are now is the way they will always be. The only way they will change is if your boyfriend decides he wants to change. If there's one thing I know, it's that you won't change him. So now you have to decide if all of this is OK for the rest of your life, or maybe this is something you aren't going to be able to live with. Once you know the answer to this, you will be able to move forward. I could suggest counseling as another alternative, for all 3 of you. It's a great neutral environment to work things out in. It requires everyone to get really honest with themselves to work. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

I have given advice to many like you here before and so I am going to say the same thing to you. Your mother-in-law is going to be the person that she is. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with her. You can't please her in any way, she is who she is and she is NOT going to change either.

There is no need to be around her if she is acting like that. There is no need to be at holiday dinners when she is acting rude to you in front of others. You have the right not to be treated like that. So, don't go to her holiday dinners, have your dinners at your home instead. Otherwise, if she does come to your house, just be polite, and if she is rude in front of you or your kids, then just escort her to the door and say I am glad that you came to visit us, but I don't have time for this behavior and tell her that you hope she has a good day! (smile)

Everything that you and your husband do in your home is really none of her business. I am shocked to hear that your husband is not standing up for you! He shouldn't get mad at your for her behavior, he should be upset with his mom! You need to let your husband know how you truly feel and that you are not going to any of her holiday dinners unless he talks to his mother. He needs to tell her that he does't appreciate it when she treats you like that. If after he has talked to her, and she is still the same, then you will know that she doesn't respect you and his wishes.

If you have kids and you are at the holiday gatherings and your kids are witnessing her behavior, you are teaching them that it is okay for someone to act like this. Instead, if you want to teach them a good teaching, then you need to remove them from someone like her. This will show them that you don't tolerate this type of behavior anywhere.

I really hope that your husband will start being the man who you married and who will stick up for you, rather than being a momma's boy.

Answer 9

First of all, the good news if you don't have a mother in law yet. Not until you get married. The bad news is your b/f needs to stand up for himself and not let his mother walk all over you. Make him aware of how serious of an issue this is in your relationship. If all else fails, have a one on one talk with his mother. Since she is so snooty, she may not realize the pain she is causing you.

Answer 10

hi there...

i happen to be goofy's wife (he sent me this link hoping that i can share to you my feelings) and i totally understand how you feel. i can tell you many things that my MIL did to stop our relationship in the beginning and hurtful words, accusations, threats....

I was very angry at my then boyfriend (now wonderful loving husband) cos he was always siding her. He just couldn't see that he was a momma's boy and was very defensive when ppl commented that. all our common friends wished me luck instead of congratulating me when they found out i became his girlfriend cos they knew about her. I can't blame my boyfriend-turned hubby then cos my MIL brainwashed them into thinking it's normal to do what they did.

One day I sat him down and told him with all due respect what I thought of his mother and him in a matter of fact way (without malice of course) and told him that i may have to seriously reconsider our relationship cos if we do decide to get married, i'm very certain things will get worst.

thank god for pre-marital counselling and GOD... My husband's eyes were opened up to how he was brainwashed by his mom. it's not his fault and it's not hers as well... she's just feeling very insecure about her future.

It's not one else's fault BUT your bf must play a part in seeing that it is A REAL ISSUE. He must acknowledge that his mother is fighting for her territory. He must also know that if he marries you, you must be put first... not her, nor put jointly together. If he can't then it's really hard to go on or rally on by yourself.

I must say that if my hubby then didn't change, i may not have married him. now he's a wonderful husband, putting his foot down (not all the time) and protecting me from her.

I don't agree with those who tell you to learn to love her cos what she's doing is too hurtful for you to love her unless you're a saint. Obviously they do not know what you're going through. At this juncture, i guess i have to accept my MIL for who she is - a real pain the in neck and stay far away as possible from her. it's hard to change people, it's also hard to change yourself to like her......

all the best.... my heart is with you!!