Is it wrong to stay?

Question

I am not in love anymore but I do care about him. We have kids together and history though mostly negative. He supports the family and has made many changes to improve and try to make me happy. He is being how I wanted him to be for years but I can't see me ever feeling for him again the way I use to. I also have someone else stuck in my head and heart but I can't be with that one for the same reasons why I am staying with him...he is my children's father and supports the family and has made great changes. He thinks it will just take time but it is already going on two years. This seems to be best for everyone, even if I am not in love anymore and it feels unnatural. Isn't it the responsibility of the parent to sacrifice their dreams and happiness for the sake of doing what's best for the kids?

We are not married. I gave up on that fantasy. I have changed much for him and tryed to change and be who he wanted me to be...but it was never good enough. I could never meet his expectations. It took years of trying to make it work and going to counseling before my feelings shut off. He took me for granted assuming that I would never leave due to my financial dependency on him and my sense of responsibility to my kids. Now, that is the only reason why I am with him.

Answer 1

NO, I think in the long run a child needs a happy mother. It's a shame he has improved himself but the love is lost. Just make sure you stay on a mature healthy relationship for the kids' sake.

Answer 2

Yes to the responsibility as the parent. I have done the same for years. When mama is not happy nobody is happy! A song to that effect by someone. At some point you will not be able to handle it as well as you do now. I will also say don't look for someone else to make you happy. Only you can do that. Once you leave you will find that what you think you feel now will change. About everything including the one you are attracted to that is not your husband. Be sure you know in your heart what you want before you take action. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I think you should. It would help you and everyone involved. At least you will know you gave it your all before you abandoned the relationship. You will feel better knowing this no matter what the outcome. So will everyone else involved. You said you are not in love but you do care. I said that too. Take care.

Answer 3

That depends. Were the words, "For better or for worse..." in your wedding vows? I know they were in mine.

What have you done to improve this marriage? It sounds like he has put forth some effort to make you happy. Have you been to therapy together? Devoted some real time to getting to know eachother again and having some fun together, relighting the spark that got you together in the first place?

My husband and I recently suffered through a horrible year, after 13 great years of marriage. We both underwent individual counseling, and then went to marital counseling. It made a huge difference. He did some really horrible things (he suffered from PTSD) and I thought I could never feel good about him or our relationship again. With suprisingly little effort, six months later, I am just as in love with him as I was when we got married, if not more so, knowing we had the conviction to work through a tough time together.

One thing my therapist taught me is that love is not a constant. It is something that ebbs and flows with time and you cannot expect it to remain the same every day. It takes effort from both people to keep it alive. And it is not fair to compare an attraction to someone new to your spouse, that's just a fantasy, once you are dealing with raising the kids, budgeting the money, taking out the trash, etc., the real-llife kicks in and the fantasy bubble bursts. That's when you have to remember your marriage vows. If you were serious about them, you will put in every bit of effort you have to save your marriage.

I know it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the most worth while.

Answer 4

Suggest counseling, if he is unwilling or if it doesnt work, leace ASAP. Honestly, I wouldnt waste the time with counseling because it cant exactly make you fall in love again, but it can help heal old wounds. Im assuming your children are old enough to remember all that he has done for the family and communicate with him without you being around, so you dont really have to stay for them anymore. Plain and simple, if the love is gone, he obviously has changed your feelings about him, I think you should definitely leave. Kids tend to be closer to their mothers than there fathers and I am pretty sure living in an unhappy household is good for them. Do what YOU feel is right for YOU and good luck!!!!

Answer 5

Has it ever occur to you that maybe you are the one that needs to change? You say that he has made many changes to improve and try to make you happy and that he is being how you want him to be, but are you being who he wants YOU to be???

I really think you don't know what you want. Yes, staying together for the sake of your kids is good, but what kind of example are you setting for them when you have one parent who doesn't love the other? How are they going to learn from that?

I would consider on you reading, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". These two books will help you on become the wife and mother that you should be. Don't think about yourself anymore, this is not about you, this is about him and your kids.

Answer 6

I kinda know what you're talking about.On one hand, while you was hoping and wishing for him to stop the negative behavior, he kept on doing it, that's what I tell people that are in a relationship. Don't do anything that will spoil a relationship, even though you say sorry, somethings won't be forgotten and it chips away at the heart.After awhile it leaves you numb and just caring about the person where as you use to walk in hell for them, because you loved them. Then they change their ways, and want you to love them the way you use to love them. Now it's hard to look at them like you use to. On the other hand you found someone to do what the one you really love won't do and now you think you're in love. If you don't love him anymore, then don't use him and keep him around to pay your bills, because what goes around, comes back around. The kids can already sense that there's something wrong, they usually do. They're smarter than we give them credit for. If he has changed and you want him around for '' the kids'' and to provide, then you owe it to him to dig deep and work on loven him in return. I'll be willing to bet, if you turn that other boyfriend a loose, then the love for the kids father will return. Don't be a user. He'll end up changing for the good and finding someone else to love him and to provide for them.

Answer 7

Now that you're a parent, your primary objective isn't and shouldn't be your happiness. That comes second to the needs of your family. You must take this responsibility on willingly and happily. Those are the choices you have made when you decided to become a parent. Unless you are being abused by your husband, you have an obligation to him, to yourself and God if you believe in God. Remember that the grass is always greener. Whomever this person is that is in your heart and mind, he is not the person you made a commitment to.

Answer 8

It sounds like you need to get that person out of your head/heart.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Here is this man trying hard to be everything you ever asked for and you can only think of this other man who will for sure have things there that you don't like. You just haven't found out about them yet.
Love is a choice, I know because I have chosen to stay against a lot of advice to leave. More often than not, you leave, divorce, remarry and hey, it all happens again. Work through it..................

Answer 9

I think you can't feel for him what you once did beause you have feelings for someone else. The grass always looks greener on the other side... but it NEVER is! You could be screwing up a relationship with a good man if you aren't careful and they aren't that easy to come by! You said he is a good husband and provider so you need to really think about that before you act on feelings for someone else! And when you have kids involved you really need to try to make it work with their father!

Answer 10

I fight for marriage unless there is dangerious abuse.

I saw on a talk show an author who said that the best advice to recapture love is to "SHUT UP". First, look at yourself. If you were a man ... would you want to be married to you? Most women laugh, and agree that as men married to themselves, they'd be misserable.

Simple techniques like being silent and learning to talk with actions. Relax your mind and pretend that you're "Arial" (Disney's Little Mermaid) and try to communicate lovingly to your husband.

Think about it ... would you rather come home to a hug or someone yapping? This also impacts your soul. From your brief description ... it sounds like you're the one who needs to feel value and the best way for you to get this is to start off doing the little things like more hugs, kisses, and massages.

If your religious, read 1 Corinthians 13 (the love chapter). --- Love for love's sake --- not because its earned, or because he/you deserve it --- love just to love.

Answer 11

lots of people stay, and create resentments...the dynamics of each situation is different though, and thats what makes it difficult, you will have to look inward and see if having the other person to fill an emotional void is keeping you from making adjustments to continue in your first relationship, or whether you can be happy enough to make it work with your children and family...remember there is no right or wrong answer, but that the answer you come up with will affect those around you for a lifetime, good luck to you...