I was married for almost 6 years and then my husband asks for a divorce one month ago. We filed about a week ago, but I still want to pick up the phone and call him when ever I have a chance to try to convince him to come back to me. Why is it so hard to let him go? He told me he no longer loves me and he even started dating someone who already has dumped him, but even threw all that I still want him back. Everytime we talk we end up getting in a arguement and I feel by me telling him I still love him or I want him to come back it is giving him more of a rush to continue saying he does not love me, but I know that he is not being true to his feelings. What is he trying to prove and how can I put my feelings aside and move on.
2007-01-28 16:57:16 · 16 answers · asked by giofab1 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tools for Handling Control Issues
Developing Detachment
Content:
What is detachment?
What are the negative effects not detaching?
How is detachment a control issue?
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
How to develop detachment
Steps in developing detachment
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
How to develop detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
.
Steps in developing detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places, and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places, or things in your life fit any of the following twenty categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy, wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
2007-01-28 17:08:38 · answer #1 · answered by Dani 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If half the family approves of the move, and it is cheaper for a more improved room, I would say, go for it. Getting more for his money would be an improvement to his life. Now how about the meals? Are they full meals or snacks. Do they get fruit every day. And what about pill dispension. Is someone in charge of that, to eliminate mistakes. Some places have the overseeing of an RN. But also many places can't afford the services. And does the dispenser of the pills, wear rubber gloves for sanitary reasons? There's much to consider before you displace him. Make sure he can handle the transition, so he doesn't get afraid after moving. I have a friend, who died two days after her move. She was treated badly by staff in that wing, and she went into a catatonic state of mind. And didn't recognize her daughter. And then she died the next day. So weigh things carefully.
2016-03-29 07:31:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i am going through a similar situation but i am not married, just boyfriend and gf. I can tell you I have been trying to get her back...i have lost a lot of weight, running up to 4 miles a day (forest gump like, lol), and reflecting on the things I did terribly wrong. BUT, I am not giving up. I would like her to love me again and I think it is worth it to keep trying. I tried to "move on" for a month or two, but I just said life is too short to try to start over finding the same type of woman i already had. I'd say keep trying and don't give up. divorces get reconciled all the time, don't they? I think it happens a lot, my friend is a divorce attorney and he sees couples getting back together quite often. hand tough...i can only imagine what it feels like. I have a pit in my stomach daily but I just can't imagine when you are married and going through it.
2007-01-28 17:22:15 · answer #3 · answered by keepingitgoing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand your heart is broken but sometimes things are like Humpty Dumpty, and nothing can put it back together.
It's really hard and painful as you loved the guy and you felt he made your life complete but if he says 'he does not love you', if he is looking for other relationships, it is over between youl.
If you cannot begin working this out yourself and moving on please see a good counselor who can help you through this difficult time. Too many people will just tell you to forget it and move on which is easier said than done so I hope you have someone who will have patience with you so you can express your grief and anger w/o being preached to or shut up.
Things WILL get better and you WILL heal. Take one day at a time. Please find someone who will listen without judging or preaching. It is so harmful to stuff your anger and grief inside.
God bless and help you. You reached out. That is a good first step.
2007-01-28 17:08:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has a big ego and that is the problem. He was probably cheating before you filed for divorce. Don't let him back in you life you deserve better than this low life. He may not be trying to prove anything but just trying to move on. I don't know the circumstances but something must not have went right for you two to file.
2007-01-28 17:02:40 · answer #5 · answered by LSD 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the fault is on his side....there is no point of convincing him coming back to you!!! Arguments might broke up again and the same scenario will keep on repeating.....
If you think he really doesn't love you anymore, let him go.....he didn't hesitate to leave you, then why should you bother begging him for love that's not true.....
I know its a very difficult situation for you to digest after 6years relationship.....bt are you sure that the same problem wouldn't occur again after you get together???
Its time for you to decide whether 6 years of misery is enough or you wish to add another 6 years........don't try to put your feelings aside, erase this feeling from your heart and move on.......
Live for those who really loves you.......
Sorry, if my opinion had hurt your feelings in anyway...
I tought this might help you to ease your pain at least a bit....
Good Luck !!! Tc......
2007-01-28 17:25:01 · answer #6 · answered by SATJ12 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He don't love you? Yeah, right. Maybe he's not in love but it's impossible not to love your ex a little. He might not realize that right now because it's not too late. This sucks about marriage, you're going along just fine and getting comfortable and then you realize that you're not in love anymore. This happens to everybody. The newness of it is gone and you can either fix it or move on. I guess he chose not to do the work. The more you try to convince him that you two will make it the more he convinces himself that it won't work. You've got to move on even though it sucks. You'll be ok.
2007-01-28 17:07:09 · answer #7 · answered by Tasha 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what a kuinkindink...it's such a trip that someone is going through the same thing i am, and married and divorced in the same length of time....well then girl u listen here cause i'm one step ahead of u...i was hurt...but i got over it...the only way to do it is to get back in the game....meaning go places, do things, things u've always wanted to do but, never did. u'll find, like i did that single is a good thing..it's time for u...and ur going to enjoy it so much and u'll realize that u really did deserve better than what u were getting...and u'll become a stronger person!!!!
2007-01-28 17:21:17 · answer #8 · answered by abra_got_personality 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Each break up I've gone through is like the grieving process: Anger, Denial, Sadness, ect-ect-ect. Eventually, I always shut down - sit in a dark room in front of the tv --- and shut down --- then I slowly seem to wake up an emerge like a butterfly --- searching for new activiites and ways to enjoy life.
Sometimes I just have to call him endlessly and have him beat you with stick (metophoically speaking) until I get it though my thick noggin that he just hates me ... almost to the point of him getting a restraining order (giggle).
Hey, sure I can be a sucker chump --- but just because he's stopped loving me doesn't mean I've stopped loving him --- I'm just a bit harder to get rid of. Fattal Attraction??? No ... but close (giggle)
2007-01-28 17:49:18 · answer #9 · answered by Giggly Giraffe 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter how hard it is for you, don't call him. Let him wander what your up to. Just keep busy with friends and family and work. Don't focus all your attention on him, feel good just to be your self. It sounds like you have an addiction to him, or that you don't know who you are with out him. First you have to be happy yourself, then we are free to love. So open new doors, and if he wants you back he will let you know. Don't shed any tears, this is what he wants, for you to be miserable. JUST DO IT! Good luck
2007-01-28 17:05:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Look in the mirror and repeat after me, I deserve better than this!You need to spend more time with girlfriends and take this time to start doing things you didn't have time for before. You do not need a man in your life to make you happy and if he did come back to be with you it wouldn't work out. He has no respect for you and you need to move on.You don't need to be his personal slave. Look for someone who wants to be with you. But until he comes along, make yourself happy. Get your nails done, get a new hairdo, go out with friends and live life to it's fullest.Good Luck
2007-01-28 17:05:53 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋