my husband had cheated on me, and I couldn't stand....?

Question

Last month, I found out my husband had cheated on me two years ago. He has promised it will never happen again and that he learned his lesson. The problem is, I can't stand the thought of him working with this woman. The idea of him even talking to her makes me sick. He also has made it clear that no matter how it makes me feel, he's not going to go out of his way to avoid her. That really hurt.
I'm truly considering ending my marriage because I can't get it out of my head that he might speak to this woman. I cannot afford a therapist, but I know I need help.

Answer 1

Are you sure he has not continued his relationship with this women? It does not sound like he has not learned his lesson. If he did, he would respect your feelings and avoid this women.
Without trust you do not have much of a marriage. If you can not truly forgive him and trust him in your heart, then I would say to end the marriage.

Answer 2

I truly feel for you. I, too, was cheated on, and after a year of trying to work it out I finally ended that marriage. Turns out that therapy doesn't work if he's lying to the therapist and still seeing the other woman. I'm not saying that divorce is necessarily the answer for you, because everyone is different and I do believe that if it is at all possible, marriages should be worked out, but I think that you are justified in your feelings. Obviously I don't know your religion, but perhaps it would help you to know that if you are Christian, the Bible does allow for divorce in cases of adultery (I researched this extensively at the time of my divorce because I felt guilty about ending my marriage). I guess God knows that there are some things we just can't get past.

Answer 3

NO MATTER HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL, HE IS NOT GOING TO GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO AVOID HER!!!! He told you right there, he doesn't respect your feelings nor care about them. He will do what he wants when he wants to, if it hurts you or not. That includes cheating, again. He didn't learn his lesson, no lesson was taught here, he cheated and you stayed, he learned he could do what ever he wants and if you find out, say the right words to you and you wont go anywhere. You don't need a therapist, you need a divorce.

Answer 4

For what purpose are you playing mind games with your self. I can see that you feel betrayed, but you obviously forgave him as you are still together. If he said he has to work with this woman, there is no way he can avoid and not have any dealings with her. Also the affair ended over 2 years ago according to your letter. It sounds like he got caught up on some temptation, and that was all there was to it, If this is the Crux of the story, then you are going to have to let all this stuff go, he let it go years ago, so why are you hanging on unless you haven't punished him enough yet, and if that is the case. You do need professional help

Answer 5

He shouldn't be working with this woman. If his marriage is important, he'll transfer or find a better job. He'll have to make some sacrifices, as will you since you did decide to stay with him. If you truly forgive him, don't hold this over his head. You decided to take him back and work things out. You two will have to make some sacrifices financially and emotionally if you demand that he not work with this woman. He should be going out of his way, but you cannot nag him for the rest of his life. Do not nag him or resent him because you chose to work things out. Why do you think he cheated in the first place?

Answer 6

Jeny, he cheated on you and you found out. Right now, he should be on his knees, kissing your feet and begging for forgiveness. If he isnt going to do what you demand, then apparently there is something wrong on his end because he is the one who cheated, not you. If the shoe was on the other foot, he probably wouldnt let you out of his sight for a second. If he works with her, they probably are going to bump into eachother and theres no telling what can happen. On a lighter note, counseling works for some people but do what is right for you and only you, its time to do some serious soul searching.

Answer 7

I am in a similar situation, except I have not caught him yet. I have come to learn that I will never be happy with him because every time he leaves, what is he really doing? It is always in my head and I think about it all the time. You have to either learn to except it and forgive him, or move on if you know that you will not be happy with him. It is all your choice, whatever you think you should do. But if you can not let it go, then I would say you have to make sure you are happy, and if you can not be happy with him, then why put yourself through all of that?

Answer 8

The question is CAN he avoid her. Perhaps the nature of their jobs are such that they cannot avoid each other. If however, that is not the case then he is saying he WON'T avoid her. That is another issue and one that you can be rightly pissed about.

If it is that he CAN'T avoid her because it is part of the job, then you indeed have to "get over it". If he WON'T avoid her when he is able to, then you need to talk with him and tell him your marriage is on the line. You definitely need a therapist and I would encourage you to see help in the community for therapists that have sliding fee scales.

Answer 9

u need to consider a few things...do u want to be w/ him or not?...and if u do is it purely because u don't want him to be w/ ne one else?...i do advise counseling at this point if u choose to stay w/ him....but, obviously u don't trust him and probably never will again so i would just end it...men and women tend to think if u forgive them once u'll forgive them again...he has cheated and he will continue to do so if u allow him to...he's a selfish person to not consider ur feelings about this woman and cannot possibly love u to have told u such a thing. leave now.

Answer 10

Infidelity is traumatic. We are never the same after it. Tell him how you feel: your insecurities, anger, resentment... Use I-messages. They go like this: "I feel ____ when you ____." This decreases the probability that he'll get defensive because you're not attacking his actions, you're just stating your feelings when he takes a particular action. He may not realize just how much pain you're going through. After you talk to him and if he still doesn't budge, then I'm inclined to suggest you reconsider staying with him. Infidelity may become a repeat offense. Best of luck to you!