Husband advice please (men and women-married please)?

Question

I recently married a very nice guy that I love dearly. Problem is that real life is settling in and now that we are married, he is getting a lot more demanding, intolerant of my needs ( I am finishing grad school..working full time now), and likes things his way. Now I don't mind so much, I am accomodating as I can be. But the moodiness and blaming is getting concerning....and I am working so hard to get him legal, with health insurance...ya da ya da.

I don't want pity, I just want to know what to do..some ideas. I see problems brewing. Not easy ones...and I know what the problems are: smoker, drinking but doesn't think it is an issue. Wanting to quit but still in an awkward time adjusting to it all.

I am being tolerant. But the moodiness is a bit much. And I put a lot of time into legal matters, homemaking, and him every week. What is the deal? Does it even matter in the long run?

Other information:
He is Russian. That means more traditional. And yes, the smoking doesn't bother me much, but the drinking is a bit much these days, getting tired of baby sitting the buzz and then him blaming me for not doing stuff together when he is just following his moods and work schedule versus even acknowledging my efforts. He is being a demanding child and the one person that could influence his behavior would be his mother. Who I have not met and only speaks Russian.

We have been married 3 months...you would think it would still be the honeymoon. But it is not. He is a serious person, so am i generally. Also, we married despite his legal status (overstayed visa).

Answer 1

Is he getting more demanding and intolerant, or is it just that the bloom is starting to come off the rose? Could it be that all these behaviors were evident but "love is blind" was in effect prior to marriage?

As you say, Russians are usually pretty serious folk. And they are notorious drinkers. Was the "wanting to quit" a pre-marital promise, or a sincere confession on his part? If you had to solicit promises of changed behavior prior to tying the knot, that's a huge red flag in my book.

I think the larger question here is what your motivations were for getting married to this guy. It sounds like your life is frantic right now...seems you'd be wanting someone more supportive rather than someone demanding MORE of your energy. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe you got hitched in less time than you needed to evaluate his character (there's that word again) and disposition.

It's still early in your marriage...may be time to draw the line and illustrate what a loving marriage looks like...because yours is rapidly deviating from the path.

Answer 2

What does THIS mean?
"I am working so hard to get him legal"??

Tell you what... the person you are starting to see now IS the real person. There is no telling how far he will change. It all depends on how far he went pretending to be someone else before the marriage. Forget what you thought of him before. Ask yourself, do you want to marry this person now? Then think, why was he nice to you before?

Yes, I see problem blewing too. The only thing you can do is to sit him down and have a long talk with him. Come to an agreement both of you can live with.

By the way, international marriage is difficult. You assumed he knows how hard you are working, and you want the job shared or at least recognized. Are you sure he knows? In some culture, those things are automatically women's job. He may not even know he is supposed to acknowledge it and offer help? If you want something different (obviously you do), it may become your job to teach him these cultural differences.

I have no excuse for moodiness though. Like I said, you really need to sit down and talk with him about reality of marriage in the US.

Answer 3

Yes it matters. You don't say how long you've been married but didn't he smoke and drink before marriage? You can't change a person, try as you might. You'll have to sit down with him and tell him you'd like to have a serious discussion. Lay it out on the line. Explain that you are scared things may spiral out of control and you want him to know how you feel. Ask him if there is something he'd like you to work on. Don't be surprised if he comes up with a few things. If you think seeing a counselor once or twice to help get the discussion going do that. Open communication is the only way to go at this point. Hope all goes well. Keep love alive.

Answer 4

Marriage has a lot of ups and downs. You need to communicate. Talk all day and all night if you must to come to an understanding. Things that are left unsaid will linger. Yes the honeymoon is over, but if you want the marriage to continue, you will be open and honest with each other. If he doesn't know what is bothering you, he will just go on as if nothing is wrong, visa-versa. Whatever the problem, talk to each other. He needs to know that his parents marriage was then and his is now. Unfortunately, his mother will influence the situation. Put your foot down and take control.

Answer 5

I think the problem is that you are being tolerant. You are letting him be this way so he continues. You are telling him it's ok to be that way while you are waiting for it to go away. It will probably get worse, he's seeing what he can get away with. I started doing that (not being nice) to my husband and the more he let me the more I did it. The day he got so mad and yelled at me I felt so bad and snapped out of it and I then felt apologetic and never did it again. Before I was feeling smarter than him and actually annoyed that he wouldn't put me in my place, I kind of thought he was a wimp. I don't know what got into me.

Answer 6

Communication is key in a marriage. Set aside time from both your busy schedules to sit down and talk (away from all distractions). Let him know you need his support and that school won't last forever. Perhaps when you're done with grad school, there is something he wants to do. Drinking is a being issue brewing and it will only get bigger. Make him legal? What's with that? I think you should have looked before you lept, but right now I think you'd better sit down and get things straight with him.

Answer 7

I'd say that your hubby is feeling insecured - maybe the reason for his actions. I'd suggest you both go to a marriage counselor to iron things out. Most of the problems you have are perhaps superficial, and he might even be thinking that it's you who have changed.

As with everything else, patience is the key. And try and do things both of you were doing before you got married.

Too bad marriage did not come with a manual....

Answer 8

..is he working? If not he doesn't play the role of homemaker? He is an alien resident and can't work?
marriage is about wanting to know the needs of the partner and feeling good about taking care of those things...sounds like you are but he isn't... I think a real man must be able to provide for his woman or he starts to fall apart...

Answer 9

Reading between the lines, it sounds like he is having real trouble integrating into a new society.

You are doing so well and he sees an insurmountable problem of being your equal partner. This hurts his pride and is immensely frustrating to him.

However, that is his problem. He is getting excellent help and support from you. (which probably makes him feel inferior) He needs to grow up and be a man.

If he can't do that, your future is not good.

Answer 10

if the problems are the same things that wasnt a problem before you got married ...like if he smoked before you knew that then as well..so why a problem now, both of you are probably less tolorable of things now that you are married and the honeymoon is over...its not going to be easy, but talk out your concerns and address them together without blame or fault