What would you do in this situation?

Question

I have lived with my (now) husband for 4.5 years. We've had our ups and downs from the beginning, always with promises that things will get better.
He lies about really stupid things and has a really bad temper, especially if he's in the wrong. He's never hit me or my son, but has thrown things like plates of hot food, glasses, shoes, basically anything in his hands, in front of us.
A few months ago he cursed me out in a very crowded hardware store, telling me to F off, calling me a ***** and even left flipping me off the entire way out of the store. My son was sitting in the cart. After that episode I kinda became numb towards him. I feel like someone just waiting for the last shoe to drop, so to speak. I do love him, but it's changed. I guess it's because my trust in him has been terribly damaged, and perhaps that's the only thing that has really changed.
I really don't want our son growing up thinking this is ok. I love my husband, but when is enough enough?

Just for those who wanted to know what provokes his outbursts:
He threw a plate of hot food across the room when some of the sauce dripped over the plate and onto the floor. I was on the other side of the room putting food on my own plate. There was no exchange of words. When he cursed me out at the hardware store it was because I wanted to build my son a toddler bed using the directions I had drawn up, and he didn't agree with them. When he said I was dense and he knew more about building than I did, I told him to stop and forget about it. That's what started that.
Another time, he called me a an F-ing b*tch in front of my family, then proceeded to walk to the place I was going because I backed into a small plastic trashcan in his car. It didn't even have anything in it. So there you go. There's what I did to bring down the wrath. Judge for yourself.

Answer 1

I would have left already. He is sick. Your child does not need to be around this unhealthy situation. One day you will be hit, or your child. Why are you waiting?

Answer 2

It's like that song goes: "Sometimes love just ain't enough". If that's all that's keeping you there, please know that you can love someone from a distance-- in this case, a SAFE distance. Just because he hasn't actually hit you or your son doesn't mean the situation isn't harmful. And there's no guarantee he isn't going to someday cross that line anyway... sounds like all the other ones have been nicely breached.

How much do you love yourself? How much do you love your son? You're right, that isn't a good example for a child-- and he may or may not say so, but I'll bet anything he doesn't feel very safe in your husband's presence.

If there's anywhere you can go or someone you can talk to, please do so... just get yourself physically separated from this man. Once the dust settles, begin to learn how to develop a healthy dose of self-respect so you don't end up in another situation like it, or go back to him when he starts with the inevitable "I've changed, really" sweetness-and-light routine. Because honey, he WILL. It may truly be all good if you go back-- for like, a week or a month or so. Then get ready to start dodging hot food and F-bombs again when something rubs him the wrong way, i.e. the sun coming up.

Don't bother calling the cops. They'll either do nothing, or arrest him for one night, or take away your son permanently. There are plenty of women's shelters and hotlines out there-- look in your phone book or ask at your local employment center, for two examples.

There are many people out there-- some men, but mostly women-- in the same situation you are. Reach out to them and get ready for some growth! Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Sweetie, enough was when he started this in the first place! Your worth is much more than to be degraded, especially in public. That takes the private stuff into a open forum and that's just wrong. He hasent hit you yet but the signs of aggression are there and usually proceed to being you next. Its not good your son sees this as an example, he will be ok, being a single Mom is tuff at first but you have a parental obligation to see him raised mentally healthy. This man sounds like he cant handle things well, and its passive aggressive, now, more than likley his frustration will get worse. Emotional damage with words and public humilation is a bad thing and takes years to get over, sometimes not all the way. Please see if you can get to a safe place and he hopefully agrees to getting some help. be cautious though because this personality is dangerous and can decieve to get you back in the muck. Seek some help for your self too so you can get some things clear in your head on who you are right now and what you will be able to accept. Time off from this will be good and get with other woman that have had this happen to them , they can really open your eyes. It did for me, i live free from unhealthy relationships and can witness for abused woman, this is a form of abuse. Take Care ok

Answer 4

Enough is enough now. Either get counseling or take your son and leave because his behavior will only escalate. He has humiliated you in front of your son and in public with no consequence; believe me from experience, it is only a matter of time until the physical abuse does start. There are agencies and places you can go stay if you do not have family. Ask him to get counseling with you, but be prepared that this could set off a violent argument with him telling you his only problem is you and that you are the one who needs counseling because you are crazy. It took a Catholic priest to tell me that I should leave and that if my husband changed then that could be the wake up call he would need, and if he didn't change then I would be well rid of him. You do not want your son growing up thinking that his mother and all women deserve to be treated in this manner.

Be brave and good luck! You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Answer 5

This sounds like a relationship I was in about 7 years ago, except the guy hid these things from the public eye. He is also the father of my son. Like you, there were promises of change but it never happened. When I finally got the nerve and left him for good he got worse for awhile but pleaded with me to come back. Since then he is a different person. We still talk because of our child but that is it.
I don't regret my decision one bit because I eventually found a man who treats me the way I should be treated.
NO ONE should ever treat you that way. It means he has no respect for you or your child. Leaving him would probably help him see what he has done. But don't give in to repeated broken promises, you need some standards. Don't waste your life on someone like that.

Answer 6

He is showing the classic signs of an abusive husband. It is only a matter of time before he physically hurts you and/or your son.

It is not going to get any better. In fact it will only get worse. His explosive temper will lead him to harm you and/or your son.

Your son is learning from your husband how to treat women. Children learn by observing the actions of their parents, and right now your son is learning how to disrespect women. He is also learning that the way you deal with problems is to throw things and have a bad temper.

It's only a matter of time before your son learns how to hit the one you supposedly love.

You are in a very dangerous situation, and you need to get some help to deal with this problem. Be very careful how you deal with this problem because you don't want to set your husband off. Apparently it does not take much to set him off.

I've seen too many times where women have been beaten or even killed by a lunatic husband. I'm not trying to scare you, but I also don't want to see you or your son become a statistic.

Take care. Be safe. You and your son's safety comes first.

Answer 7

Only you can answer this question since it is your life, but don't forget your son's life counts as well. Your husband sounds like maybe he needs a wake-up call and one other thing: What do you do if he beats you or your son or both of you? Were I you, I would start to plan an exit strategy NOW instead of later. If you don't use it, no harm done if you need it however, it's there and ready to put into action. Good luck!

Answer 8

Enough was enough yesterday. Your husband is a terrorist. It is only a matter of time before he gets physical. Throwing plates and glasses? That's a very dangerous temper tantrum! Get out, honey. Contact the Salvation Army. They have shelter for you and classes that will teach you why you are in an abusive relationship, which you are.
Get out now with just the clothes on your back! They will help you get settled, provide daycare, legal assistance referrals, ect. This is serious. Get out with your life and your child's life while you can, don't become another statistic. GET OUT TONIGHT!

Answer 9

Talk to him about it, and if he doesn't agree to get help for his obvious anger problem, do what you have and need to do. Some people will never change, but if he is not putting forth an effort than that does not show you any hope. I grew up with a stepfather that sounds alot like him, and from being that kid you don't want to keep showing your child that this behavior is ok. Your child could end up being that way as an adult also. I personally from my experience always put my kids first, Be strong and do whats best for you and your son. Good Luck!!!

Answer 10

I have never been in a relationship where i have been curserd at or called anything. and speaking personally, i can't imagine going through something like that, especially my husband. he has greatly disrespected you in front of anyone, especially in front of his kids too. not only that but has performed violent acts. one day he is going to direct that hit towards you, then when he realizes you are tired of him and not afraid. guess who he's going to turn on? the kids. and yes children imitate what they see, i'm sure you have heard many stories, the home is the foundation to a kids future. it should touch your heart to know in what situation you have your kids living in you know, and i'm sure it hurts you. i'm a mother and i will sacrifice anything for my son, even my own happiness. Enough has been long over due in your situation, i understand you love your husband, but it's time to start loving you and your son alot more than that* my mother once told me " it doesn't get better, it gets worse." all 5 times she was completely right. i know love, and i know pain. and i know now that they don't go together.

Answer 11

You may love him, but he obviously doesn't, or probably more accurately, doesn't know how to love you.

Love is patient and kind and uplifting. A love between a husband and a wife should be a lifelong bond based on trust and acceptance.

Your husband doesn't sound like anyone I'd want around either of my sons. And it sounds like you have a very tough decision. The best thing you can do for your husband is to set boundaries and consequenses for him. Like - if you lay a finger on me or our son I will go to the police and make sure you go to jail. Do not raise your voice to me infront of our son or you will need to move out. I think you should also force him to the best of your ability to get some kind of anger management counselling. It sounds like he's a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time. You sure don't your son around that.

Good luck.