Advice welcome?

Question

I've been going out with a beautiful woman for 18 months, she came straight out of an abusive relationship. We look after the kids on weekabout. The six year old I've been told is different since she left her ex. We moved in together, and she also said yes to marrying me. Then a month ago, she said she didn't want to be in a full on relationship. We still live together, share the same bed, but it's just not the same. I love her so much, and she continues to tell me that she loves me. Do I move out, or do I try and support what ever she is trying to achieve. I just don't know what to do, and would welcome any constructive advice.

I just sent her a text message, I don't know how she will receive it, or what the outcome will be, I just have to trust what happens from here:

"I’ve been thinking and listening to what you have been saying. I love you and will try and support your needs. I want to be there for you if you will let me.
No deadlines, no pressure. Just know that I love you, and want to be a part of your life. If you want me to stay I will stay, if you need me to go, I will go."

Answer 1

I think you know in your heart that both of you jumped too quickly in this relationship...that's OK. But, she is not in a place to take this relationship seriously. Although she may have thought she was ready for a relationship, she has not resolved the mistakes and hurts from her previous relationship. I don't think it has anything to do with you...but if you do not listen to what she is saying, without her having to say to leave, you will be the one ending up hurt.
But although she tells you she loves you (I think she does mean this in her own way), I think it is too soon to get married. If you decide to stay, do not talk about marriage and setting a date any time soon. I think that the idea of an instant relationship with a nice guy sounded great. It almost made up for the bad she just came out of. But as time wears on, she may have started to realize it may have not been what she really needs. But if you feel by May, for instance, that the relationship is the same, then take my advice and look for another other residence.

Answer 2

You sound totally trustworthy and positive, but can you also understand how she might be having just a little trouble trusting men right about now? You yourself have explained the whole thing so well right within your very own question: "she came straight out of an abusive relationship" says it all. There is a book written by Laura Huxley (Aldous Huxley's daughter?) and it is entitled "You Are Not The Target." It is the same in this case. You are not the target here. She is. She is very clearly adjusting to getting her life back. That would hold anyone for a few minutes. Do not claim the upset personally. Let go and flow with her and before you know it the two of you will be on the same wavelength. Right now, she is learning how to trust you. She is regaining that capacity to trust anyone. It is not easy, especially if you have been on the receiving end of things for a bit too long. Trust is one of the hardest and consequently one of the most valued aspects of any relationship. I'll bet she loves you dearly, but it is simply a case of too much, too soon. If you can bring yourself to slow the whole thing down with her a little and just calm down yourself, I guarantee what opens on the horizon for both of you will be worth writing home about. This is a good thing you both have so honour yourselves and become worthy of it. She is finding out that you are really there for her, and it is probably blowing her mind. I cannot imagine how much pain she has been through, especially if it has been of the "slow burn" variety. Thank you for posting this sensitive and important question.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be really confusing for you. Here's my take on it, though you may not like it. Ultimately, this woman has got to sort herself out. Not only for her own sake but for the sake of the kids and you. I think you've got to give her the space to do this work and that can't happen when you're sharing a bed. You've got to get away for awhile, you might find it helps you to gain a new perspective as well. Tell her you love her very much and then tell her that it's best for you both to walk away for awhile. Tell her that you'd love to hear from her when she's made some decisions in her life and then you've gotta let go. Don't wait forever, I'm sure you're a wonderful person and would be appreciated by a great many. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 4

You know that saying give me a inch and I'll take a mile well that is what she is doing here. You need to back off a bit you are coming on to strong.Please don't think this woman won't use you,sounds like she has started already.You can't or won't see it because your in love. Do you really want to no how this woman feels about you if so then do this to her.Stop telling her you love her,stop being in the same room if she walks in the room your in get right up and walk out without saying anything to her.Trust me this will not hurt your relationship at all in fact it will bring out any feelings she has for you.One more thing and this is the most important one of all .Tell her you made plans to go out with your male friends.Don't tell her this until you start to get ready to go out. If she gets mad then that is a good sign for you. I could go on and on with things you should do but something tells me I'm just wasting my time.You don't believe what I'm telling you to do will work do you. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 5

Hi there!!
Sounds to me like you are very much in love with this woman. Have a heartfelt conversation with her, and let her know how you feel.
You say that things are not the same, why is this? Let her know how you feel. listen to her, do not judge her.
She came out of a abusive relationship, this could be something that she has to deal with, let go.
Do not be pushy with her, do not give her deadlines as to answers you want to know, just ask her to be sincere with you, just like you are being with her.
The baby girl of six years old is going through a period of change as well, of course she is not going to be the same. She misses her daddy, she misses the relationship of her parents, this is natural. Be there for her, yet give her space when she needs it.
Never say anything negative about the dad in front of the girl, that would make her have negative feelings towards you in the long run.
Maybe you could have someone take care of the little girl, and prepare a candlelight dinner, and have a nice conversation just the two of you.
Have patience with her, yet at the same time, realize that you are not a door mat. Take time out for yourself during these stressful times, do things you like to do, invite her to go along, but do something for you, to relieve stress.
Take on a hobby, read a good book, listen to calming music, read the bible, do things you like to do.
Relax.Meditate, be happy to be alive
Remember life is to short to be unhappy
Wishing you all the love in the world ,

Love light and peace

Answer 6

Holeemel and Nick has given you very good advice. I agree - encourage him with what he does well, if you criticise it will make things worse. You can also buy a book and arrange so that he reads it - because he needs to be more considerate of you and learn a few skills. But dont let him feel the book is for him because he needs it, pretend it is for you or to get some ideas etc. I think you should also buy yourself a sex toy and help yourself, probably best if used secretly on your own. There is no need to be shy about getting and doing this. You need smart ways of telling him what to do, and ways to avoid unpleasant experiences, else this will really get bad. You will have to avoid a position where you get his saliva, or you just have to tell him that sex and kissing does not go together for you, or something. Just bearing this without doing something will make it go from bad to worse.

Answer 7

Sounds like she's scared spitless she'll make another mistake and regret it. I'm sure she loves you, but she made a very large error with the first man. She's scared she's not seeing clearly and doesn't want to end up in another abusive relationship. When we come out of bad relationships, we suffer alot of guilt for our poor choices, guilt that we've ruined our kid's family, fear we'll repeat the past.

That doesn't mean she thinks you're abusive, either. She's looking for red flags and double checking to make sure they're not there.

Give her time. Offer to go with her to counseling so you guys can work out any bugs between the two of you before marriage.

Answer 8

Its not easy for anyone to begin new chapter of their lives just after a disastorous breakup. Give her some time and space. She needs assurance that u will not do the same thing what the earlier guy did. Her mental level suggests that she is ok sharing the bed with you thinking it to be just another fling. OR may be like one night stand. breakup in marriage is heartbreaking which she wants to avoid. Once bitten twice shy.

Answer 9

Ask her if she means now or ever. If it's just too fast, I'd give her time and space. She's smart to think through things carefully, especially in her situation. If she means ever (which she may not fully know, but at least you'll know where she stands right now), I'd think about whether you could handle things the way they are for a really long time. Good luck.

Answer 10

she may have said that to see howd you react to it and see if anyhting would change or if youd still be there for her and support her. or since the 6yr old is differnet since she left the ex might be trying to re assure the child that everythings ok and waiting for the child to be themselves again so the child is happy and feels comfortable..its hard for kids to adjust and they react very differnt to adults.. if she stillloves you and you love her and still live together i think the best thing you can do if you want to continue the relationship is to stick around and be supportive. if she hasnt asked you to leave or anyhitng like that then i dont think you have anyhting to worry about and it willall worrk out in the end..jsut give it time