is control in a relationship a form of abuse?

Question

My husband is very controlling and gets mad if things are not done his way. I mean absurdly controlling, i.e. last night he got mad because I was eating (and I mean "I") a blueberry scone which he did not like. He said, how can you eat that thing, I wouldn't expect less from you. Anyhow, i got used to his stupid controlling behavior but I always feel this is abusive. I have talked to him about it, but of course I am the victim....Any ideas?

Answer 1

Yes contol is a form of abuse and if left alone it can (and will) later on turn into physical abuse.

Answer 2

Most men feel as if they need to keep control.. why ? I am realy not sure, but it all boils down to ego, at least for most of them, and it could mean they had little control over their own lives when growing up.... I am old fashioned, so I do believe a man has MOST of the control over the home, but NOT all, there is a very fine line there, if crossed it does become abuse.... putting ppl down and thrusting opinions on others is a form of verbal abuse and is NOT part of the plan, as God made it, and is a hard thing to handle or change.... Over the yrs I have advised a few wives and even husbands to turn the tables on a controling partner, but that also requires finese and timing and being aware of that *fine* line of abuse.... and sometimes turning the tables on them does work, such as...... next time he says something about what you are eating, take another bite, smack ur lips and say somthing like this " Well, I tried to eat a muddy boot you left by the back door, but it was just to chewy for me, so I thought this would be better. " you get the picture, just a cute remark but NOT disrespectful or antagonizing.... and if he critices a dress you have on.. say something like. " OHHH, this old thing doesn't look that bad on me, I bought it 10 yrs ago, and they the old is coming back in." saying something like these things will not say you agree or disagree but that you KNOW what you are doing because you are BIG GIRL now and do not need a daddy to tell you...... try this for about a month just to see what happens...... God bless

Answer 3

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Power/Control is most definitley a form of abuse. I feel very knowledgeable about this topic as I have recently left my husband who was extremely controlling. I did not recognize it as abuse at the time - its only afterwards when my emotions have calmed down that I realize this was most definitley abuse and I was a victim. We seperated a year ago and he is still trying to control me. Abusers only have control because we let them have control!!
Your husband will deny this as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. This is a very harmful behaviour pattern, especially if there are kids to witness it. You don't need to live like that. Leaving my controlling husband of 8 years, was the hardest, but best thing I have ever done. I have recently begun dating someone who is so different, so caring and easy to be with. It feels freeing!! I hope you can experience this someday. I really feel bad for your situation. I do know what it is like and it is not easy. Good luck.

Answer 4

Cristina M, it's a form of mental abuse, it doesn't matter what type of abuse it is, it's still abuse. Sounds like he's even trying to control what you're eating. I think that's horrible! Cristina M, have a talk with him and confront him about his behavior. Tell him how you feel and tell him you feel like he's demeaning you every chance he gets. Honey, you need to put a stop to this behavior before things gets worse. Controlling always leads to other things. Tell him you are no longer going to be treated this way and he's putting the Marriage at risk. Make him understand, you will not tolerate him talking to you in that type of manner. Stand up for yourself Girlfriend! :)

Answer 5

Yes, I do feel that controlling behavior in a person is a form of abuse. They seek to take charge of their "victim" whether it be their husband, their wife or their son or their daughter. Or, a child seeks to control his or her parent or parents.

I feel the controlling person has much deeper issues and is in dire need of psychological counseling. Often, these people feel they are perfect and see no problem with their behavior towards their loved ones.

I think that if a person is married to a controlling person, and the controller won't get help or change their behavior, this is grounds for separation/divorce.

Answer 6

Oh hon really. One person asserting control over another person IS abuse. Whether it be mental, physical, sexual, financial, its all the same. Your man is showing that he is completely in charge of you, and you have no say in it. Whether it progresses to another form or not it doesn't matter.....i.e. he's mad verbally that you ate that blueberry scone this time....next time he slaps it out of your hand, next time he crams it down your throat or throws it at your head, and the next time he hits you for eating it...

Control is Abuse. Abuse is Control.

Get some help.

Answer 7

I have to say this is very abusive behavior, if he gets that angry and mean about a scone, I can imagine what he does when there is a real problem. I am speaking from personal experience when I say either seek counseling or make a quick exit, it will only get worse, especially if he thinks you are not going to do anything about it. Good Luck, I hope this helps

Answer 8

Yes, control can be a form of abuse and it sounds as if you are the recipient here!!

Can't you stand up for yourself and tell him you're not a child and don't want to be spoken to that way??? You are his equal and he needs to treat you with courtesy and respect. People are different. If you want to eat something he doesn't like, then it's ridiculously immature for him to comment on it.

You may need to go to counseling on your own, if he won't go with you, in order to learn how to combat his verbal abuse. At some point, you may decide not to put up w/it any longer.

Nobody deserves that treatment. He must feel really bad about himself in order to put you down that way. It's a sign of his insecurity within himself.

Answer 9

I don't know if you could categorize it as abusive...putting you down or making light of what you choose to do is not exactly controlling, unless you let it be that way.

Here's an idea; stop being a victim. Expose his childish immature comments for what they are....EVERY SINGLE TIME he does it. Don't give him a break. Either he'll wise up and treat you with some respect or things will escalate to the point that maybe you need to think about your long term prospects with the guy.

Answer 10

Yes I personally feel this is a form of abuse... Why is he so controlling?? Does he hit or yell at you alot If so then get out of there before it gets worse and becomes physical.