Husband who says things that hurt...?

Question

When my husband wakes up in a bad mood on the weekend he spends the whole day taking little digs at me. Then when I get upset and say something he says stop being so sensitive or the B word. He says that all he is trying to do is have a little fun and that I ruin everything. I personally do not think little digs at my expense are fun. It hurts my feelings and I tell him that. He still turns it around that I am just trying to start a fight. He always insults me like that in front of the kids. Using little innuendo’s that he says that they don’t understand or aren’t picking up on. I have a 9 and 4 year old. I am pretty sure that they do. How can I convince him that this is wrong?

Answer 1

Talk with him and tell him how you feel about what he does... This is not good if he is doing this in front of the kids as this shows them to be disrespectful to mom and how to do it... Ask him to please stop doing this to you in front of your children. They understand and see more then you think and they will pick up and learn from it and treat you as such. If he keeps on doing this then seperate from him for a while.

Answer 2

Have you ever heard the term "emotional abuse"? You don't have to hit to abuse; if you make disparaging comments, constantly criticize, and use the B word, that's abuse, pure and simple. You need counseling, both personal and marital; your husband needs to hear from someone else that his behavior is NOT okay. Your children need to see a strong relationship that is not based on cruelty, physical or verbal. If necessary, leave; you are worth so much more than this. If you are worried about the cost of counseling (or how you will survive financially without him), there is sliding scale counseling through social service agencies in your area; also, don't be afraid to apply for welfare and food stamps. Just remember: it's a hand up, not a way of life. Use it wisely to get your education and a better job and life for your children. Most importantly, look in the mirror and say daily, "a REAL man would see how wonderful a woman I am"; it sounds hokey, but it really works. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

This is verbal and emotional abuse. It is just as bad as if he hit you; in some ways, actually, it's worse . . . because if he hit you it might be easier for you to recognize that you are being abused.

There is an excellent book called "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" . . . it's about this sort of thing. Reading this would be a good place for you to start. I would also suggest therapy for you, preferably with a very good female therapist.

I know that your question was how to convince your husband that what he is doing is wrong. Neither I nor anyone else at YA is going to be able to give you the magic words to say. There is no instant cure for this and at the end of the day, all you may be able to do is take care of yourself and leave him. But that would be better than living with abuse for the rest of your life, and having your children grow up thinking that this is acceptable behavior.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Don't be too hard on him, what he is doing to you is wrong, however, this is probably the way his parents treated him as a child.
You need to help him to understand that his words are hurtful to you and that you love him in spite of this.
I know its hard to do and you want a quick easy fix, there is none, you will have to be very patient in teaching him proper respect for you. Try this approach: The next time he does this, and everytime he does this, simply say "I know" honey and give him a genuine smile of affection and a great big hug, then tell him you love him. Don't let his words bother you, instead, know that by doing this, you WILL change his behavior. You will be doing yourself, your children and your husband a great service.
Over time, he will feel guilty for saying these things to you when you respond this way. Later in life, he will look back and appreciate what a loving and devoted partner you have always been and he will love you more than ever. Commit yourself to trying this for one year. You should see dramatic results by that time. Good Luck To You All.

Answer 5

I'm not sure you can, but here's an idea:

On a day when he is behaving like this, write all the hurtful things he says down. Then, on another day when he is in a good mood, approach him about it and ask him how these things were meant to be fun. Hopefully, seeing what he has said will knock some sense into him.

Answer 6

seems like ur hubby is dealing with some underlying anger or frustration issues and youre his target of release-----if I were you I would get into some short term marriage counceling wherne u can have an objective 3rd part listen and give you some feedback. Couselor may also be able to help ur hubby with his personal issues---if he is resistant to therapy then perhaps you can get the helpo from some mutul friends------maybe if he hears from some friends that he is being less than kind and sensitive, not to mention disrespecting you in front or ur kids---this may help---goog luck---there are also tons of books out there that can offer ou some help.....

Answer 7

You can't convince a verbally abusive guy to change his ways. Not by talking anyway!

Do you get to talk to your friends about this? Would you tell your friend to stick in this relationship?

The fact is that he is duplicating what he saw when he was growing up. He can't take it out on what is really bothering him (like his job)...so he thinks it is ok to take it out on the one person that can't fight back.

You may want to consider making a new life for yourself. The kids will be in school soon (at 5 right)...so consider getting alimony instead and building your self esteem up.

He might change but only if it is worth it to him. If he still gets the love and the sex and the companionship he wants...and he can abuse you. Then why change? Makes some demands. You deserve it!!!

Just remember, he thinks he is entitled to treating you bad. The only way to change this is to insist that things change now.

Good luck. I wish you the best. Women deserve so much more than they get!!!

Answer 8

First off I want to say that he is being very disrepectful...He should never make digs at you no matter how small they are.
I dont know if there is a way to convince him it;s wrong. i mean if you have tried to say something to him already and he says that you are trying to pick a fight...Sounds like to me it is going to be a lost cause.
I guess what you can do is sit him down(not on a weekend) when it is just the 2 of you and explain to him that you are truly hurt about the things that he says to you sometimes. If he tries to deny all the things that he said to you.....Just be like :I dont want to fight I'm just telling you how I fell"
Him doing all that to you is not good for your selfesteem....Tell him to be nice:)
Good luck dear.

Answer 9

If you have told him as you stated is there a friend or family member that can talk to him? Or maybe a counselor? Your children are old enough that they do understand and will follow in his footsteps if you do not get help.do a search on the Internet and see if there are any sites with info on this. Maybe send a letter to Dr.Phil. Good luck to you and the children.

Answer 10

Personally, I don't think you will get the message across short of throwing him out or leaving him. My partner of 19 years was forever criticising me and even a couple of separations never changed things, well it did for a while when we got back together but it soon started up again. In the end, I just didn't care, old saying, even dripping water will eventually erode a large rock to nothing. When I became nothing at her expense, I decided only one way to go and that was up. You obviously haven't reached that point yet but you will, I can assure you of that!