Why do kids from a divorce say they don't love you?

Question

My boyfriend has two kids from his first marriage--a 3 and 6 year old who live with their mother. They have shared custody, but he sees them every other weekend. The 6 year old has started to do things like wake up at 4am and want to go back home to his mom's. He also says things to his dad like, "You don't love me anymore," and "We don't do anything when I'm here." 1) Why do they say those things? 2) Is there anything that can be done to change the boy's statements? 3) What can my boyfriend do to help him deal with this? (books, activities, etc?) From a non-mom-caring-girlfriend, thanks for your help!

For the sake of clarification, I've only met the kids 4 times in the 8 months we've been dating. Thank you to all who have responded. You have opened my eyes to several things I didn't think about. There's some great feedback. I can't wait to talk to him about it. He's always looking at ways to improve that relationship. Thanks for your encouragement!

Answer 1

The children are feeling abandoned by their father and are probably being fed a bunch of garbage by their mother-- I don't mean literally FED, but that she is probaby telling them things about their dad or letting the OVER HEAR conversations about him. Most of what is going on is probably rooted in the fact that the mother is hurt over the divorce and the fact that there is a girlfriend involved in her ex's life. The children are picking up on her feelings either because she tells them stuff that they don't need to hear or that she isn't careful about where the kids are when she talks about their dad.

He has to spend more one-on-one time with them. If you have a good relationship with them then let him take one child out to lunch-- just them while you stay behind with the other one playing games or doing a fun project. Then let him take the other child out to dinner while you stay behind with the other child. Plan really fun activities that you can all do together while they are at your house. Children normally love messy art and crafts projects. Your weekends with the children have to be full of fun and games-- anything to show them that dad wants to pay a lot of attention to the kids and that you want to be heavily involved in their lives.

These kids need lots of love and care. I hope you're both ready to give that to them.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Is there any influence from their mothers home that maybe sparking these statments? I think the children are suffering from withdrawal. Even though they are young they still notice that their father isnt around all the time. They possibly dont quite understand what Dad does when he isnt around and may be under the impression that Dad just doesnt want to be around them. A good idea would be to try and spend as much time as possible with the children. Also make sure that there are activities that both Dad and the kids can enjoy together. This way the kids will become closer to their father. Also when they leave to go back to their mothers inform them of the fun things that you will be doing next time they visit so that they look forward to coming over. As for the 4am wake ups. Ensure that the children feel safe in their environmant and that they know that you are always there for them no matter what. The 6 year old probably feels frightened and becasue his mother is there most of the time he calls for her because that is familiar to him.

Answer 3

Kids are very smart. Don't under estimate their feelings. If these are their statements, its also their beliefs. I have three kids from two divorces. It is important that both mom and dad of the kids say nothing negative at all about each other in front of the kids.
You have to understand that their lives just completely changed. They feel abandoned by one parent or another. If a child wakes up in the middle of the night and wants his mom, then you should atleast let the child call home to mom and talk to her for a few mintues. It needs to be the mother job to ensure to her child that it will be okay. Most kids will side with one parent or the other. Also, if you spend the night at the dad's house while the kids are there on the weekend...You are adding nothing but trouble. The kids and their dad need quality time and time for healing. All they see you as..is a replacement of their mom whom they love dearly obviously. Kids will protect their mom or their parent so be careful to give them time alone.

Answer 4

First let me tell you that both his children are very young and the comments that they are making are very normal.I am a Guardian Ad Litem and I work with abused,neglected and children from broken families everyday.Your boyfriend as far as the 6yr old goes he need's to explain to the child that mommy & daddy did'nt get a long anymore and they can't be together but that has nothing to do with his love for the child.He need's to constantly remind the child that the child has done nothing wrong and daddy will alway's love him very much.As far as the child saying that they don't do anything together then your boyfriend need's to make the extra effort to have activities planned on the week ends that he has the children.There are millions of thing's that they can be doing together coloring,playing games,going to the park...there are endless thing's to do..Children have to adjust to the divorce and it is the parents job to help them thorugh the adjustment period it takes time and patience it is not going to happen over night.Your boyfriend has to constantly tell his child how much he loves them and when he has the children quality time need's to be spent with them just sitting down and reading a book means the world to a child and it is not hard to do.Your boyfrined simply need's to take the time to do the simple thing's and little by little thing's will get easier.As far as the child waking and wanting to go home to mom that is also normal your boyfriend need's to be patient and in time this will pass too..Good Luck..

Answer 5

Well there are a couple of reasons. First, their mom may be feeding them lines like "your daddy doesn't love you." This happens sometimes.

They live with their mom, so that makes them feel closer with their mom. Naturally they are going to want to be there. And the fact that he has you makes it seem like he doesn't like their mom anymore.

They're young; they will come to accept it all in time. Right now they don't understand why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, and why daddy has a strange women over all the time.

Your best bet is to just show them that you care for them. Do things like color with them, or if they wake up and want to go home, ask if they've had a bad dream. Just show them you care. And not only that, avoid physical contact with your boyfriend while they're around. They may see those as a betrayal to their mom right now, and if you want to start out on good footing, they need to come to accept that you're a caring person, but not a mom replacement.

Answer 6

They are still very little and I'm sure they are hearing things that they shouldn't. I would make it nice for them . They need to have things of their own in their rooms. They need toys and color books, books to read, and balls to play with. When they are coming over rent movies that are fun for them and make popcorn and watch the movies with them. During the day play games with them and go play ball at the park, go for walks. make fun luches, let them help. Let them know how happy you are that they are there. Kids usually want to go home if thye get bored and don't have anything to do. And attention is very important too. It is very hard for them they are having to deal with something they really don't understand and are feeling insecure. You can paly a big role in helping their dad make things different. He really needs your support and help now.

Answer 7

the kids are picking up on how the mom feels about your relationship. just have to try to show them unconditional love, but since they live with mom, she is a big influence on their emotions, and the kids want their daddy back and don't understand why he is with u now, so it may be like this for years, and the issues will get bigger as they get older.

Answer 8

1. the boy's hurt by their parent's divorce and doesn't know how to deal with his pain, so he says what he feels and he probably says it in part to hurt his dad like his dad has hurt him.
2. i think the boy's parents should get together with their children and explain that the fact that they don't love each other anymore doesn't mean they don't love their children and will never stop loving them. children get scared parents will "fall out of love" with their kids, just as they did with their spouse.
3. i think your bf probably needs to show more support to his kid and spend more time with him, call him more, play sports with him, make everything about him for a while.

Answer 9

You can be as caring as you want......stay out of it, its non of your business! For all you know it could be cuz of YOU he says those comments. The child is trying to cope with everything that is going on, and the last thing he needs is an outsider trying to fit in, where YOU don't need to be!

Answer 10

1.) he wants his family back and he's blaming his parents for breaking up.
2.) i'm not sure. maybe he needs to build a better relationship with his father so he doesn't feel bad when he's there.
3.) spend more time with him. have him talk to his xwife so they can work something out.