it's me, the gal whos hubby left her because of our disabled child. my boy is 3, he has 2 siblings,?

Question

a 4 year old brother and a 5 year old sister. I have full custody of all the kids. their dad lives 1000kms away. (we live in australia). the older two kids have just spend half of the christmas holidays with him and now they have come back as rude and obnoxious as though they were 14 and 15, not 4 and 5. i know that many of you have it much worse when your kids come back from the other parent but i find that i am really stressed when they are here and i don't want to be. i need to find a way of dealing with the stress and not react to everything that their dad has allowed them to do. PLUS. many of you who answered my last post told me to ditch him (which i have no problem doing), i just get lonely, really lonely and don't know who is going to want me with my three kids, let alone, that person being a descent human being who is going to care of me and someone elses kids. sometimes i don't know if i can do this on my own. but i don't have much choice.

Answer 1

I didn't read your other post, this is the first I've heard of you.

It sounds like a rough deal, certainly.

3 Kids plus one of them with additional problems is a lot to handle, certainly.

The best advice I can say is:

Get some kind of religion, or spiritual belief and try to stay positive.
You have not yet given up, and it's already somewhat of a tough job, so you have some spiritual strength. Call upon it.

See things as a challenge, not a problem. A challenge to be solved, and figured out.

Enlist your kids to be helpful, not a burden to you. Make them do chores, even simple things like folding towels or something. Helping you cook, as they get older.

Unless and until you find a man to enter your life (assuming you might be looking for one, as you say you are lonely), these are the men in your life, your helpers, your guys to rely on now, as you will rely on them in the future. I won't say that three kids is a benefit to finding someone, but some guys want to have a ready made family, and raise sons. Certainly if their mother is a strong woman, who has her head on straight, and has a plan, that's a very attractive draw, to the type of guy you seem to be seeking.

See a day in the far future when they are grown, and they look at you and tell you, "Thanks for not giving up, thanks for not giving us away, thanks for being strong." They'll have wives also, but they'll help you, because you raised them right. And you might have found someone else.

Go to church, or a temple or something and get connected to who you are, at your center, a spiritual being, not just mom to three kids.

Start a journal, and use your time writing it, a half hour each day, or more if you can spare it, your time. Your adventures in the Land of Oz will make a wonderful book, one day soon.

Talk about your lonliness, your feelings, your dreams.

Ring up your husband and tell him, you want your sons to grow up and be responsible, not rude beasts that act like dingoes, and you need his help..however you want to phrase it... to teach them to act like men.

I don't know how you are supporting yourself. I can't imagine you have three kids, by yourself AND a day job. Taking care of kids and a house is full time.

Live simply, so that things are not complicated. Don't accumulate a lot of things that will take a lot of time, to manage, maintain or keep up with.

Best of luck. Really. I think you have the tools to thrive, and I sense there is a creative person in you.. seems to me you might have the heart of a writer.

Answer 2

Why does he only take the older two? I don'l know what visitation rights he has, but you might solve the problem by insisting that it's all 3 children or none, knowing he will refuse. But that is a gamble. If he takes all three, Lord knows what he would do to the youngest, but he probably would not have the luxury of spoiling the older two.

Check with your lawyer before you do anything, and seek advice from lots of sources. You might be surprised when you find that there is no clear "right" answer, and you will hear enough, so that you'll know that you considered every option before choosing the one that works for you.

It is very difficult to give each child his "fair share" if one of them is handicapped. If you have to live with this visitation situation as it is, I think you need to resolve to handle it better. If you could get someone to take over care for the youngest now and then, but ESPECIALLY for at least 2 consecutive days after your older children return from Dad's, you might be able to regain normalcy in the least stressful way.

For now, please try to address your loneliness through peers, not a new man. You need to get through this problem yourself, really you do.
Good luck.

Answer 3

The only thing you can do is continue to instill your morals and beliefs in your children and hope for the best. You had already made the decision to "ditch" him before the question. You, just as many of us, were looking for some support which you have been lacking in your relationship. Yes loneliness can be difficult...but you were alone when he was with you. Now it is time to get out and enjoy the company of others. That does not mean every night you still have responsibilities. But don't sell yourself short. You are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. Your children are lucky that you care enough to ask for advise.
Please email me i you need a person to talk t. I can only give you an ear to bend but at times that is enough to get us through the night.

Answer 4

Hang in there it will all work out..there is a REAL man out there for you who will be glad to take you and your 3 kids in--the days are sad and rainy now but soon the sun will shine and you'll find happiness again. I thought I would never find a true love especially having a child and living so close to the ex. I needed to keep my ex very involved with my son so to find a guy comfortable with that and one that would take us in was a dream. At least thats what I thought. I have found that special man who loves me and my son and knows how important it is for my son's dad to be involved. after a few days with his dad he comes home a bit restless too. just have to take a few days to reaquaint him with the rules of the house and let him know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. My son is 6..I know I only have the one child but I promise you will find happiness again. My fiance's sister has 3 kids was married for several yrs and found a man she is going to marry he has 1 child so together they have 4. So it does happen..Keep your chin up and have faith in yourself.

Answer 5

Your children may be acting out when they come back from dads cause they don't get to spend as much time with him as they would like to, and when they come home you are the person that they take it out on because you are the one that is there for them to vent it out on. Yes it is not fair that they do this but it is something that is out of our hands the only thing that we can do is show them that we love them and intend to be there for them thru thick and thin.

You could try to sit down with them and let them talk about their feelings and really listen to them, and if they say they are mad cause they don't get to spend enough time with dad tell them that it is not your fault that if you had your way they could spend as much time with him that he would allow them to spend.

As for there being noone that will want you because you come as a package. That is so untrue. I am a single mother and my fiance treats my child as if he were his own. There are good men out there. And I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

I know how you feel when you say that you think that you can't do this alone. It can be done you just have to stay strong and remember that you have 3 beautiful reasons to stay strong.

Of course you feel lonely but you really aren't alone your children are there also so you are never alone. As for companionship it will come in time you just have to keep your head up and be strong don't let things like this stress you out and bring down your self-esteem.

Good Luck and God bless you and your children

Answer 6

That is really tough. Can you afford a babysitter or have a family member that can help by giving you a couple of hours one afternoon to get out and spend some time on yourself? I hope you do.

As for the behavior, you're going to have to lay the law down on the 4 and 5 year old. I know as a father of three myself, I hate to come down really hard on them but, sometimes you have to re-establish boundaries.

I stopped midway through this to pray for you. I hope that God will help you find peace.

God bless.

Answer 7

If this Carrie's on tell your ex that the kids came back and has been behaving wrongly, and that he might have to have supervised visits or he has to come to you to see them supervised because he doesn't have to deal with the aftermath of the kids behavior. there are men in the world who would want to be there to help you ex specially if the are unable to have kids of there own, even get a baby sitter who you can trust go out with company and meet new people swap numbers you never know who you might meet if you don't go searching.

Answer 8

This must be a fresh wound for you. I felt the same way when my hubby walked out on my and our kids. I chose to put my energy into raising my children...but that is just what I chose to do.

Loneliness is never an easy thing to deal with, but try to put your energy in to a hobby. There are places to go where you can meet people. Church, support groups, school, etc.

It's going to take you a while to adjust to your new life, but I promise, it'll get easier.

Answer 9

Your position is really hard, and I do have an enormous amount of sympathy and understanding for how helpless you must be feeling.

My mother had 3 children (daughters) and managed to raise us on her own. She married and he legally adopted all of us, but they divorced 9 years later.

So it is possible to find someone who will accept your children. Make sure that they are exceptional, you and your children are worthy of someone amazing. Good luck

Answer 10

whats not to love about you? i think your a good parent to youre kids and what ever happened to you and him doesnt make you any less attractive.. some guys go for the responsible and matured ones... having 3 lovely kids isnt a thing to dsicuss nowadays.. nor to love or not to be loved back.. goodluck and i hope do good on youre next relationship..