I am a witness of constant verbal abusing . What should I do?

Question

My mother is the abuser and my father is the target. I do not agree with my father's opinion that I should stay aside. If one can hear what she says (yells) and see her face, one can not resist the thought that such behavior is criminal. I do not want to embarrass my father more than he already is, so I do not ask people that know us about solutions. I respect my father very much; he is very tender, educated and loving. But my mother is lazy, spoiled parasite (never had a job, so no income from her ever), has neither “horizontal” nor "vertical" education but "knows everything". My father thinks that he needs her. I understand that he says that because he is old and afraid of illness etc. However there has to be a solution. She can not understand (or just stand) any conversation about her verbal "skills" or behavior, so the solution can not contain any requirement to talk with her. Like a tumor that can not be persuaded to be friendly, she has to be "removed" in some sense. Help!

Answer 1

WOW, believe me this is exactly how my parents were. My father put up with her self centered, controlling, demanding, childish behavior for almost 50 yrs. If we were to say one thing against her, he always had a reason why she was the way she was and accepted her for herself and never stopped loving her. What was loud and obnoxious to us, was something he could always tune out if he chose too. You really have your hands tide because you can't controll what other people do or say. It is so hard to listen. NowMYadvice would be to get a small tape recorder and keep it on record let her hear what she sounds like. Play it back to her and let her hear herself, she may not like what she hears. Is she verbally abusive to you?

Answer 2

Perhaps you can convince your parents to go to family counseling. Then bring this up with a professional who will look at the communication style in your home. If you are school age, you could start by going to your own councilor and suggest to him/her that you would like to do this. Or if you are in a university they might be able to help you as well. If you are an adult, then you may have a little more work on your hands in convincing your father and mother, but nothing is impossible. If it bothers you emotionally ..even adds stress to your life, tell them and let them know that changes need to be made.

Answer 3

Is it possible that your mothers lack of education is the reason she may be speaking or the way she is treat your father.?

You need to not blame your mother for her not working outside the family. Maybe your father and her decided that she would be a stay at home mom. .

Your mothers "income" comes from her taking care of her family. Just because she does not get a paycheck check does not mean her 'work' is not important or valued.

As for the way she is speaking to your father, as hard as it is , it is their relationship and something that you may have to force yourself to stay out of. I know you want to stick up for your father but he is a man and should be sticking up for himself. You say he is an educated man, so he should know that what your mother is doing is wrong.

So you need to leave it up to him to deal with.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

I can only suggest that you work on your Dad. You dad allows this to happen for what ever reason, he has just accepted this as a part of life. As we grower older, we become more afraid of change and there fore accepted what we have, that's the sad thing, because there is greener grass, but cant see it.You have to show him the road to the greener grass. Take your dad out more, get him involved in other things. The less time at home will open his eyes more and introduce him to others, who are his age group and even some single ladies, place him in situations that will open his eyes to greener grass, without making it obvious. For mom, video tape her a few times, without her knowing and play it back for her. Let see and hear what you and dad see and hear. just one day, hand her a tape and tell her to take a good look at it, tell her its for her to keep. Good luck

Answer 5

Plant a hidden camera in the house for a week and edit all the worst bits to play back to her...send it to her in the mail if you think she wont accept it in person. Maybe if she sees what she is like in action she will feel some shame. She may think it's your dads doing though so be prepared to tell her it's you. Maybe your dad does need her if they've been together most of their lives. Sometimes even a parasite is better company than no one.

Answer 6

It is not criminal but it is not right and should stop as verbal abuse can turn to physcial very easily and only gets worse over time. If your father does not want help or out of this situation there is not much you can do for him to help him.... You cannot help those who will not help themselves.... Until your father realizes this that he needs help there is nothing much you can do for him.

Answer 7

Unfortunately there is not a whole lot you can do if he will not stand up for himself and stop her. He must gain some sort of satisfaction from the relationship or he is simply too afraid to leave. All you can do is be a support to him and reassure him that you love him and do not accept or condone her comments to him.

Answer 8

The magic words "He needs her" this, I'm afraid, says it all. Until he feels he doesn't need this women, there's nothing you can do but give him support.
Sometimes verbal assault is as bad if not worse then physical assault. Physically, you can heal, the scars are left, mentally, it's always there.

Answer 9

tell your father that you need help and take him to therapist to get help i know how your father feel my ex was the same way she used to say we are only marry for the kids a i hate you its used to rip my heart out so i work when ever i could and cry at night in my sleep i wish you good luck please take your father away from her so he will smile again

Answer 10

Personally I would refuse to be a witness to behaviour that is so obviously humiliating for your Dad. When she starts I would say 'I'm not going to listen to this' get up and leave the room. If she stops, re-enter, if not - leave the house. It is your Dads' choice whether or not he continues to put up with it but if you continue to witness it and say nothing you are colluding with it.