How do you stop falling into a pattern in a unhealthy relationship?

Question

My mom and I used to be very close when I was 'under her thumb' I would talk to her about EVERYTHING in my life. I would tell her anything... I have worked so hard to become my own person... seperate from my family and establish bounderies... I even moved away because she couldn't let me go and stop interferring. Now that I am my own person I can't really trust her because she will still guilt trip me and verbally attack me to try to get me back under 'control'. After all that work... I feel myself falling into the old pattern... I am calling her to talk about things. I am becoming more open with her again, and I know in my head that I can't trust her.. but I keep slipping into that pattern...

Why? and

How can I stop myself from opening up to her?

Answer 1

This is a classical example of a controlling parent,and it comes from self-centred fear.
This is all about your mother,and not you.
If you reflect back to your mother you will hear her anger,and this could help move the relationshipon to a more healthier place.
when your mother begins her questioning i.e. "have you been dating anyone"?
ANSWER "YES I HAVE ,AND THEN ASK IS DATING SOMETHING YOU MISS?

whatever her question just answewr briefly and ask her a question .
if you want to keep it really simple just say to her " i am a big girl now mummy,and you have to give me permission to make misyakes.
If you are close to your mother perhaps you can ask her "what happened in your life that you think an intervention from your mum or dad could have prevented?

Answer 2

deep down its bcoz she is your mother i think. ask yourself this, would you put up with this and go back time and time again for more if this was a friend or someone you knew? probably not, you have a tie that binds you, not everyone has the perfect relationship with their parents this is more common to a greater or lesser extent than you think, finding a middle ground that suits both of you isnt easy, everyone feels the need to talk now and then just to let it all out, instead of telling your mom tell a friend or keep a diary, only tell her as much as she needs to know, but whatever has happened she is wrong to make you feel guilty, she should support you, gently guide you and be there when you need her, i hope this helps a little, even just to know ur not the only one that doesnt have the perfect mother/daughter relationship, you have worked too hard and too long to falter now good luck,

Answer 3

Sometimes when you are younger you think you were under your mother's thumb and what you would call your mum interferring was often trying to prevent you doing something wrong or making a fool of yourself. I am a mum and feel I get on well with my family but at the moment I am sure one of my daughters thinks I am interferring. She is at present looking for a wedding dress and I have told her truthfully that she looks lovely in almost everything she tries on. However, there was one dress that I felt did nothing for her. I wasn't telling her not to buy it, only giving my honest opinion. She has taken exception to this and now taking a friend to see another dress she likes. Point I am trying to make is even good friends don't like to burst your bubble and if they know your heart is set on something most find it difficult to hurt you. I am not trying to turn your question in to being about me, just trying to perhaps get you to see from a different angle. Not saying a mum always knows best but not just telling you something just for you to be under her control. Also you have said you were able to talk to her about EVERYTHING in your life. Did you want her just as a listener and not give her point of view etc? If you did I bet she didn't know that so where from she was standing could just have been doing what mums do, trying to guide their family in the right direction. I agree and know there parents are totally OTT with their children so not knowing your mum I am not disagreeing with you as I say just trying to see from both your points of view.

Answer 4

No matter what a mother says or does you are always drawn back to her. She is your mom. she was there through your life and every daughter wants their mother. When you talk to her, try not to talk about your problems but just a friendly chat. If she starts in on you, then just say "mom, I dont want to start. I called cause I missed you and wanted to just talk to you". Keep the conversations for awhile impersonal, no gossip, problems or complaining. But talk about the good things that are happening in your life and ask her about hers. This helps her to see your making it on your own, that you can stand on your own two feet. You'll find after awhile the conversations gets easier and eventually you two can start talking on more personal levels but it does take time, . But remember she is mom and like every mom out there she worries and maybe, just maybe thats the only way she can express herself.

Answer 5

Because she's your mom...and no matter how she treats you there is still a connection you don't want to give up. She gave you life. No parents are perfect.

I have a similar sort of relationship with my father, but our relationship changed somewhat after my mom died. We became close but at the same time he is an alcoholic so to deal with him...I have to deal with his abusive comments every time he does become intoxicated enough to become talkative. He drinks every night....I can't change him. But eventually I was able to realize that life is short, his life will be short, and he does love me, and he is a good person in many ways...just not every way. My brother gave me similar advice to what I am about to give you now...that you have to shrug it off. I could not do that for the longest time.

My father is still the same person he always was, but having moved out of his house I am a lot better prepared to accept his treatment of me and understand that I can't change it or fight it...all I can do is accept it and not let it bother me. It's really hard and you shouldn't let your mom ever get too close to you....to the point where she upsets you every day. If she guilt trips you, don't call back for a week...maybe she'll get the picture. But shrug off her attempts at telling you how to live your life...you now have the experience to realize that she will never be able to control you again. And she probably, on some level, realizes that too.

If a conversation is becoming too difficult for you to handle, try changing the subject. If she won't let it go, then tell her that you have to get off of the phone right away. If you view her verbal attacks as part of her personality, as one of her flaws or problems that she will most likely never change, and something that you have to ignore if you want to have any sort of relationship with her, than you will be able to handle it better.

It won't be easy, but take it slow. Try not to tell her too many things that you know she will criticize. Try not to talk to her too much at one time. I don't have any idea if this helps at all. The abusive words of someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally are difficult and painful. But if you understand that your mother has a serious problem---and verbal abuse/manipulation is indeed a problem that they probably can not control after so many years of habit---and are willing to be part of her life anyway, then you might be able to keep your mother in your life still...but at a distance, of course.

You can learn how to have more of a thick skin around your mother. But she probably will never become the perfectly loving parent you want her to be. However, when she becomes terrible to you, remember that she doesn't really feel that way about you...it's more a reflection of her dissatisfaction with her own life and self. If she has absolutely no love or affection for you, and never has, then cut off all ties with her and choose to surround yourself with positive people who love you.

If you absolutely can not ignore her behavior, if it still hurts you and you find yourself trying to appease her all the time, even when you know you will never be able to please her no matter what you do, then you need to stop all or most contact with her for awhile. And maybe later on, things WILL change. Good luck.

Answer 6

You are a grown woman, you should be able to tell her if she is over stepping the mark. You should think yourself lucky that you have a mother that you can talk to, I can't talk to my mother about stuff. Some peoples mothers are dead. You should make the most of the time you have with but make sure it's on your terms. If I were you I'd tell her straight. Good luck xx

Answer 7

Shes a control freak.........Tell her you are an adult now and as much as you are mother and daughter that you intend to make your own way in life mistakes as well.