don't complain about it not making sense because it's a part near the end but I need to know if it's good.
"Suddenly the world seemed to stand still and Lily looked up to see a wonderous sight. A strong gust of wind swept through the forest and she had to grab on to the roots of a tree and beat her wings so she wouldn't be blown away. The wind began to pick up flower petals from the ground and soon the fairy was engulfed in a tornado of whirling colors. The flowers slowed and began to shimmer with light as bright as the stars. Slowly the drifted from the sky as the wind stopped and rested on her and Jake. She gasped as the boy blinked and opened his eyes.
"You're alive!" she squealed and wrapped her tiny arms around him.
Thank you, she thought to herself for she knew why Eric had survived. It was the 'last hope magic';the magic that fufilled only your hearts strongest desire. It can only be used once, she remembered, but that doesn't matter now. We are finally safe."
2007-01-27 13:22:46 · 6 answers · asked by Water_Princess 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Not bad, although it is a little confusing out of context. But the writing makes it clear that something bad has happened to this boy, Jake, and that Lily has just done something or caused something to happen that saved him.
A few things I noticed that need corrections:
"wonderous " -- is spelled wondrous
"Slowly the drifted from the sky" -- What was it that drifted?
"It was the 'last hope magic';the" -- The punctuation should go inside the quote and "the" needs spaced away from the quote.
It is hard to really give a good critique out of context, but it seems like a good story from this bit. I think I would move more of what Lily saw closer to "see a wondrous sight" -- so describe the wind picking up before Lily looks up or put the description of the petals right after talking about the strong gust of wind. This is mainly because you can't see wind, and you say that she saw a "wondrous sight."
Also, "as bright as the stars" is a phrase frequently used to describe things that shimmer - maybe come up with something else that shimmers that way and use that description instead. It will make your writing really stand out. Is there something in this fairy's world that could be used to describe the petals, like some sort of magic?
Does Jake do something after this portion you've posted? Does he know whatever has just happened to him could have killed him? How does this make him feel?
I hope this helps! Keep writing!
2007-01-27 13:47:22 · answer #1 · answered by Kate 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I enjoyed it. Although I'd be really interesting in reading the rest of it.
2007-01-27 21:35:13 · answer #2 · answered by megan nichole 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes that's all right, just a little odd in places, a couple of phrases could be smoothed out, but other than that, very nice, I like it a lot.
2007-01-27 22:17:56 · answer #3 · answered by she who is awesome 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Everything seems good
2007-01-27 21:36:36 · answer #4 · answered by j_goodwin27 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks good. =)
2007-01-27 21:41:05 · answer #5 · answered by TheDogStar12 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good start, i hope that you can write more
2007-01-27 21:42:49 · answer #6 · answered by Wicked 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋