Is there life after the person you've married cheats on you?

Question

I'm devastated, and heart broken...we are planning to work it out, but I feel like i may crack under the pressure of thinking about the affair, and what he did with her, and where they went, and how she looks, and if she was prettier, or had a better body, or gave him better sex. I feel like a complete nothing....hopeless, and ill with grief.

Answer 1

You have to do things to regain your dignity. If he's still living in your home and sleeping in your bed, you should start by not allowing it any longer. He needs to be punished, but it seems like you are punishing yourself for his misdeeds. Men cheat - not because their wives are bad at anything - but because they can. If you're trying to work it out, the best thing you can do for your future is to make this hurt him 50X as much as it is hurting you. If he doesn't feel it, he will think he got away with it. Then, you will be putting yourself back into a situation where it will happen again. And it WILL happen again.
Grab ahold of your balls (or his) and pull out the ***** within you. Let her fly crazy badass. Make his life miserable. Make him WORK to keep you. Men don't appreciate things they don't have to work for.
Taking up for yourself will help you to gain back your dignity and feel like yourself again. If it doesn't work out, it's his loss. Move on. It won't be easy, but I PROMISE, you will be happy again. You will stop crying.

Best of luck, dear.

Answer 2

Wow !!!!!!!!!!!!! I read most of what everyone wrote hear and and I could give you some other angles to look at also. Remember that you can forgive this person but YOU WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT HAPPENED. I know this because my ex wife cheated on me almost 7 years ago and I have been divorced 6 years now.I remember it all I still feel the hurt and I still wonder why she did it.People told me that time will heal the pain and it did help but the fact that she cheated,lied,and used me,stole my money and left me and my kids alone is just to much to forget.My trust in relationships has suffered because of this.The feelings you talked about are normal and the self dought you feel will consume you if you let it.I doughted myself for along time before I decided to live my life the way I wanted.I used my job as an opportunity to earn get away from life and build my bank account.I worked so much I didn't have time for a social life.One day I decided that I had enough hurt and I then stopped working as much and started going out with friends again.I think all the alone time I had gave me a chance to reconnect with myself and build my confidence up.I'm still alone now by choice.I haven't dated that much because of the way dating has changed so.I could go on and tell you alot more here on all these things but I will keep it short.If you would like to know more about how to deal with things drop a message and I'll try to help.

Answer 3

Ya know, I know several people, who have survived the affairs of there marriages. I know one couple, whom the man cheated, and now, they are better then ever, they are strong, and she is positive he will never do it again.
FIrst off, when a man cheats its not because he doesnt think you are attractive or dont have a good body, Its nothing about YOU, a man cheats for his own selfish reasons..
Has he told you he is sorry and will never do it again, Does he realize it was wrong.? All this needs to be taken into consideration, if you try to work it out.
Personally my 2nd husband had an affair, one was with my best friend, so I was betrayed by my husband and my best friend. Myself, I couldnt stay with a man if he cheated on me...Just because I couldnt live my life, worrying each day...But alot of women can get past it, and go on...
They say once they cheat, they will always cheat...I think that is true, but maybe not in all cases...sometimes after a man does it, and he realizes he messed up..and he realizes he almost lost his wife, and it scares him, He may not ever do it again..
It depends on the nature of the person..
Im not real sure, this is gonna be all up to you, If you think you are strong enough to do it..Go FOR IT..But make sure that he is being real, and honest with you at all times..This will take the 2 of you to make it work..You cant do it alone.
Wishing you the very best...

Answer 4

No. You never forget. One does what you are doing. Its natural to think all the things you are thinking specially the sex part. You wonder what did you lack that he had to go outside the marriage. They say in cheating, "its him" not you. Its never about you.

Once the trust is gone, you will doubt him even in the smallest of matter. You will always wonder if he is telling the whole story/truth.

I am sure you are going this with his cheating: anger, depression, anxiety phrases, wondering all the time what he is upto now.

It is very devasting specially if you had dreams of sharing and doing stuff with this person for the rest of the life. I feel he doesnot deserve you at all for all the hurt and betrayal.

You feel complete nothing but u will have to change your thinking on that. Again its not about you so dont feel nothing. May be concentrate more on your work, take up more duties, it will give you some confidence.

Good luck to you and pray to god to help you get thru this. I know its devastating.

Answer 5

things do get better as long as you are both willing to repair things. Affairs often happen as a symptom of something that was already wrong in the relationship. you both need to do some really honest talking to figure out what that was.

in the early days after discovering an affair it is perfectly natural to think exactly what you are. to be betrayed is worse than a relationship finishing because it has run it's course. to be betrayed means realising that the person you most trusted was capable of lying to you easily. it literally pulls the rug from under your feet, and things that you are certain of suddenly get thrown into doubt. it's hard not to take it as a personal rejection, and thats why you are comparing yourself to her.

you now have a period of grieveing to work through. and that is a slow process. denial, anger and depression are part of the grief, but also part of healing. full relationship recovery after the affair can take approx 2 years.

seek marital counselling. if your partner is serious about working things out, he will go with you. look on the net for support. yahoo has an excellent forum where you can express your feelings. do what is best for you. you will get a lot of people tell you once a cheater always a cheater, but i think that is something you need to work out yourself.

good luck - my heart goes out to you :)

Answer 6

Hello Faith, i'm Faith too but i'm the Faith with green hair!

I feel your pain and know how you feel cos my first husband cheated on me. I'm afraid that your marriage will never be the same. The trust is broken.

You say you are planning to work it out. Have you explored the reasons why it happened? Don't let him brush it under the carpet, and start saying things like 'well that was a month ago now' .

Men don't cheat because the OW (other woman) is prettier, had a better body etc. they cheat for lots of reasons but mostly because they are probably a bit bored with THEMSELVES and their lives and the OW presents herself and is willing and they go for it without thinking of the consequences.

If my current husband (my 3rd) cheated on me, then i would not want to try and work it out with him. He knows exactly how i feel on this and if he broke our trust i just couldnt be bothered to go through all the pain. Only you can decide if you are able to do this. Maybe you want to because you have children. I can understand that.

I really recommend counselling to get to the bottom of why he did it. You will slowly, slowly, start to feel better, but it will always be there. You possibly may be able to forgive, maybe but you won't be able to forget.

I'm really sorry for you. My only advice would be to do nothing in haste.

Faith x

Answer 7

You are going to reclaim your right to be a very strong woman again and consider the liberty which comes with being on your own once again. Or you can forgive him and work it out and try your best to regain trust. That will be difficult. You are devastated and heart broken right now, but you are also intelligent, resourceful and determined to be your own person, so that will help you find the right course of action through all of this. Right now you need to rest and gather your strength and relax, all at the same time. If you are wise enough to delineate your circumstances to us as clearly as you obviously have here, you are also strong enough to endure this entire situation and come out a winner, once again. Probably the most important ingredient in all of this is communication with him. Try your level best to keep the lines of communication open because if they go down the whole thing will get stuck on the rocks. The two of you may find it very helpful to find someone who is trained who can act as a third party with whom you both can find your way through this.

Answer 8

sweetie...don't torture youself, i too thought exactly like your thinking now but at the end of the day....it's not your fault, it's his, he's the one who has made you feel like this, you did nothing wrong...and i can guarentee that you wished that you never found out? i too wished that i hadn't found out, and the feeling is just horrible....this man has made a huge mistake, and you are suffering because of what he did....i can only say that it's going to take a long time before you can trust him so this may affect your marriage at some stage, unless yo sort it out with him, but if you keep thinking like that it will make you ill, you have a choice here, you can forgive him, and give him another chance, or you can leave him and start fresh, it's all down to you now...and you have the right to call the shots.....he owes you big....so take some time out, think about it, being betrayed is like the worst feeling ever, stay strong and think positive, don't forget who has the upper hand now, good luck with what ever you decide....if it were me, then i would be showing him the door, like i did with my ex, and after a while i started gettin a life, and i was free and i was free from him and his lies...it does get better, but it depends on how you deal with it

Answer 9

Time dulls it a little but it never, ever goes away.

She wasn't prettier, she didn't have a better body, and the only way the sex could be described as 'better' would be she was just a c o c k holster who happened by when he was horny, so it's just like him saying, "f*cking her was better than humping that knothole in that tree over there." But not better like you are thinking.

No matter what you did or could've done - worn lingerie, cut your hair, lost 20 pounds, brought your best girlfriend to bed with him, blown him at stoplights, stuck a carrot up his a s s in bed, learned to bellydance, changed perfumes, pierced your clit, peed on him -- it wouldn't have mattered. He STILL would've cheated. Cheaters are supremely selfish and have zero respect for their partners.

Rent 'Good Will Hunting' and watch the "It's not your fault' scene about 35 times until it starts to sink in.

It's not your fault.

Answer 10

I felt the same way but we got marriage counseling and he didn't like it so I continued private counseling for a few years to build strength and character. I was cheated on 3 times and my counselor said its not me. He has an addiction to women. I just couldn't stay married so I left, got a divorce and I have now been married to a good man. Yes there is life after being cheated on. Go look for a new life and get help too. I am a good women and I love people. I enjoy life and only regret that I have is that I didn't leave him the 1st time. Best wishes to ya and Its not your fault.

Answer 11

The reason he did it has little to do with her or you he was just being selfish and greedy for no other reason than the fact he could and it did his sad little ego good.Please don't try to work it out you will always be on the wrong mental side in this one..you are worth more than this I know it will be hard but give him the boot there is a better life for you out there. I see it is you that feels ill..I bet he doesn't get rid of the louse.