when does a mum stop being a mum and put herself first if you have an alcoholic son?

Question

my life has always been giving and now nothing All my children are adults and too problamatic help

Answer 1

You're always a mum, but you need to stop being an enabler.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Answer 2

I gave thunbs up to mamabear and lady hewit.. They are right.. You will always be a mum.. you will always love them.. My 2 boys are not alcoholics but have other problems.. I have found myself very depressed knowing i can not do anything to help them. I think I will always feel like I failed them and it's a horrible feeling. I had to start saying no to them when they needed me most. It tore my heart out.. but I have to keep saying"NO" to them or I will lose myself completely.. Am I making any sense? Get rid of any guilt or at least put it away and keep it under control. Your son has to help himself, he's the only one that can. Just be there for him unless of course it is destroying your life. Put yourself first "NOW"

Answer 3

You never stop being a mom. Now that they're adults you want permission to just wash your hands of them and not take any responsibility for how they turned out? Go ahead and put yourself first, For the first time, I'm sure!

Answer 4

it starts when you want it to start. if you want it to start right now then let it start right now. if all of your children are problematic then they all need professional help. stop feeling sorry for yourself. you are not responsible for your children as adults. you were responsible for your children when they were children. but now they will be responsible for themselves as adults. please...stop asking the same question over and over again. you will get the same response every time. your children need help and you need to start thinking about yourself.

Answer 5

Love your kids where they are at and still be a mom to them when they come to you or want you to be there for them... But remember he is an adult and he needs to live his life and take care of himself and his problems... I understand you love him and really care and are concerned but you need to let him and this go and let him live his life....

Answer 6

I was that son. Unfortunately my mother's love costed her finacial debt,jobs,and misery. One thing I will tell you as a recovering alcoholic (12yrscleanand sober) is tha your son has to be ready to clean up his act. This is determined by how damaged his life has become. I remember mo mom constantly giving me money if I asked for it,letting me come home late if not after days passed out on someone's couch or at a hotel. She wa tired of watching me destroy myself, but she also made it possible for me to keep doing it by enabling me to get lit up either alone or with friends. Put your self first when you feel you have done everything you can and your son has not made sincere effort to get help. You can help him reach his bottom (crossroad to recovery) by seizing your actions such as lending him money,allowing him back to your home whenever he wants, and even arguing with him. Just encourage him to get help and listen.Don't get defensive to his accusations of you or other family. To an alcoholic, everyone else is the problem...not them. Listen to him,but don't enable him any longer.Support him in trying to get help while he slowly reaches his bottom. It will hurt you very much to watch his life start spiraling downward soon after you stop helping him contnue to wallow in his disease,but it will be for the better. My final moment in hitting rock bottom was passing out on the floor outside the front door of a church. My mother had left to stay with her boyfriend because she was afraid that I would become vilent. My brother kicked me out that night/early morning and called the police on me so I left because I had warrants. I walked to the church and passed out. I attended the church service,talked to a member of their special needs pgm. I stayed with him for two weeks at his home. After many long sober talks with him and his wife, I turned myself in to authorities for my warrants. During my sentencing,my mother was there at the beckoning of my new friend,him and his family sat in the benches for moral support. I asked the judge to help me with my addictions. He did. I was admitted to a community home(paid by city taxes) on a volunteer basis. Mo mother went to visit me,my friend, and slowly out of the wordwork more family members came to see me. It was a long tough journey, but I came through. I owe it all to those who decided to fall back and watch my life unravel before me. It was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for me. If they had continued to help me in my ways I probably would have been dead,living in the streets or in prison.