I have been with this man 5 years and engaged 1yr.3mo. He has a very expensive lifestyle than I. He lives in a very large home, He has a daughter in SD State college which he pays for everthing apt. food, utilities, and gives her a very handsome allowence, He has made it clear to me that his home is his and his daughters home. I told him I dont want to live in his house that I want are own home and our own memories. The thing is he has been looking at homes that are way out of what I can afford But he expects me to pay a50/50 split. I recently sent him a long email explainig how I feel regarding marring him and what I can afford. I explained to him that I dont make what he makes but I could contribute what I can. He makes more than 10 times than I do. I just cant afford to keep up with him. He hasnt responded to my email but has sent me two emails telling me he is working on a responce. What should I do after 5 yrs. being together and him knowing everthing about me.
2007-01-27 08:43:33 · 13 answers · asked by PATTI O 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Give the man a chance to respond to your question and then take it from there. You have made your point.
2007-01-27 08:58:31 · answer #1 · answered by Bruce 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Suze Orman, who is a famous financial counselor, you can find her books in book stores, she has a website and a tv show, says that when you are combining finances, you should do it on a percentage basis, not a dollar basis when you don't make the same amount of money. So if he makes 10 times more than you, then it should be a 90/10 split or maybe a 70/30 split. You should sit down and figure out exactly how much you can and/or are willing to pay out of your check and then say to him I can pay this amount and not a penny more. If that isn't acceptable to you, then you need to pay the diffenence or we need to move on with our lives. Also, if he makes 10 times what you do, why is he expecting you pay anything at all? That seems selfish and petty on his part, he should be wanting to take care of you, provide you with things you can't afford on your own and to bring your standard of living up to his, not make it harder for you to survive to try to keep up with him. Besides, if he can pay everything for his daughter, why can't he pay everything for you?
I lived with an ex boyfriend that made over 100,000 per year at his job while I was making $36,000. I contributed $450 a month to our apartment and he paid everything else, all the food, utilities, etc. I paid for my own car and clothes and such, but he paid all the household expenses without question. Also, anytime we went shopping together, whatever I picked up he paid for with no questions. Of course I never took advantage of that, but it helped me out while I was living with him.
Also, if you can't talk to him in person about your finances and the way you feel about that, maybe you shouldn't be marrying him, besides, he sounds selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings to me, maybe before you continue this relationship you should really look at it and decide if you want to live like this, it sounds like you will always be second fiddle to his daughter, which you should be because she is his child, but it sounds to me like he has drawn the line in the sand and you are not welcome in that part of his life. I hope you find the right answer, but more importantly, I hope you make the right choice for your own sake. Good luck sweetie, I think you are going to need it if you continue this relationship.
2007-01-27 09:05:05 · answer #2 · answered by hargonagain 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like an indirect way to make you rethink your plans with him to me. If he's making that much money, he certainly understands that his lifestyle is beyond what you can afford.
I mean, with everything you say, he's expecting you to marry him on his terms...but I wouldn't even call it a marriage, because he is not working on integrating you into his family (the home is "his and his daughters"). If that's how he's approaching things now, don't delude yourself into thinking it will be different once you're married.
He's making it clear that you will be a second-tier relationship that will be expected to pull her own weight if she wants to keep up with him. How wonderful! (can you sense my sarcasm?)
How about telling this pompous loser to have a great life with his daughter? A 5 year investment still isn't enough to go through with something that is a mistake.
2007-01-27 08:53:46 · answer #3 · answered by You'll Never Outfox the Fox 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It looks like he's trying to give you the bum's rush. If he's targeting homes he knows you can't afford, but insists you pay half, he's either trying to manipulate you into breaking things off so he can get what he wants guilt free, or he's a blithering idiot. The pieces of this particular puzzle don't fit real well and, when finished, is likely to present a very different picture.
2007-01-27 09:14:10 · answer #4 · answered by rtanys 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all communicating via email...please. You both need to sit down face to face and figure things out. If he loves you and wants to marry you then he needs to understand where you are coming from and if he can't, five years or not you need to walk away. This guy sounds like he is putting his money and his lifestyle before you and do you really want to be with a man like that.
2007-01-27 08:52:06 · answer #5 · answered by Love2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I probably shouldn't be giving anyone advice on marriage after the way mine turned out, but I don't think your situation is going to end well. I realize I'm hearing only one side of the story, but if he really does make 10 times what you're making and expects you to pay half, that seems totally unrealistic to me, and if you marry this guy, the long term prognosis is going to be poor. In more ways than one in your case.
2007-01-27 08:54:01 · answer #6 · answered by texasjewboy12 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Though e-mails are wonderful, they are not always the best means of communication. Please, sit down with him, and let him see that this is a big concern. If you can't bare to live in the house that he currently owns, and he wants to continue living there, try to find a compromise. Map out your finances and tell him flat out how much you can afford to pay. You can't force blood from a turnip.
2007-01-27 08:55:13 · answer #7 · answered by EllieBellie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not being very loving toward you...Not a good sign..
Never invest more than 2 - 3 yrs in a relationship without marriage.
Never marry someone when you see problems before the wedding.
He will not love & cherish you like you deserve as a wife...
2007-01-27 08:50:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow- im sure that you already know. what a cheap-o man. i can understand him not wanting a gold-digger,but really, why would a man who wants to marry you put such demands on you? it truely sounds like he wants to marry for reasons other than love. maybe he just wants companionship and benefits, but love is not a requirement. he makes it seem more like a business deal. be careful with this one. sounds like he is greedy and sly. you must realize that if he was in love with you, he would not be acting in this manner. noone would. noone. im not surprised that someone like this is taking so long answering you. he is probably consulting with his attorney to find out how to ensure that you get nothing from the marriage, should it happen. i hope you move on and find a loving husband, not a shrewd, greedy business partner
2007-01-27 09:06:55 · answer #9 · answered by DEBI M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to get lost, it's over.
2007-01-27 08:50:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋