Is it ok to have a close friendship with the opposite sex when you are married?

Question

My husband's ex-girlfriend from high school (they dated for 3 monthes there senior year, she broke up with him) found him on myspace. She is going through a divorce. It was ok at first with a hello here and there. Then it got to be to much with exchange of phone numbers and emailing 5 and 6 times a day along with instant messager. He started to ask her to go see him at his jam sessions on Mondays and Wednesdays nights. He basicly became her shoulder to cry on. They never meet outside of the jam sessions. I am invited to but I don't see why all of a sudden he wants to be so good friends with her. I don't agree with it and he is starting to be secretive about the whole thing. I know my husband and he says she is just a good friend but he was wierd about it at first when she started emailing him all the time. She told him it wasn't like that she just wanted to be friends. He told her that he loved me and wants to be me. He has never really wanted close girl friends before. HELP!

Answer 1

Time to have a talk with hubby. You need to tell him how you are feeling. Being secretive in a marriage is not good - ever. Even if he is hiding it because it clearly upsets you. If they are wanting to be just friends, it is okay, but perhaps this lady is looking for something more - even if it is in passing - because she is feeling insecure about herself due to the divorce. I would tell hubby you don't like that he is spending so much time with her and it is either you or her.

Answer 2

It is OK for a person to have a close relationship with the opposite sex, When and only when it doesn't make the other person feel threatened or bothered. Relationships like this are a slippery slope - first your husband is a shoulder to cry on, then he is always gone, hanging with her, and then they finally end up having an affair. I am not saying that this will happen to you, but I am saying that you need to do your part to ensure that drama doesn't come into your life. Before you make a big deal out of it, let your husband know that the relationship is making you feel uncomfortable. Tell him that you trust him, but you don't trust what can happen between a man and a woman who spend a lot of time together.

Answer 3

I had an ex-girlfriend from high school that I would keep in contact with every so often. I was living with a girl that I really loved and my ex called me on the phone one night to catch up on our lives. I always got along with my ex and I considered her to be a friend, nothing more. Since we shared some of the same interest and a history, then we felt comfortable chatting it up with one another. But in no way would I ever have considered getting back together with her. Our relationship wasn't like that and I really loved the girl I was with.

I never had any close friends that were female other than that ex of mine, and the girl I was with probably felt as you do about your husband and his ex because of that. All I can say is that while I enjoyed speaking to my ex and wanted her to be happy, I never wanted anything more than the close friendship we had with each other from her. I wish that the girl I was with could have understood that, as she had lead me to believe she had.

Answer 4

It is okay as long as the other spouse knows whats going on. But once it becomes a secretive thing that is a whole other subject because then you start to wonder what is going on. When he invites her to the jam sessions you should go to and make sure his friend gets to know you as well. If you are uncomfortable about it let your husband know but don't be confrontational just approach him calm and ask that he spend less time with her because you are his wife.

Answer 5

This is really a question of degree.Yes,I think it's fine for your husband to be a shoulder to cry on-that's what friends are for.No,it is not reasonable nor should it be necessary for them to meet twice weekly.He's probably being secretive because he's anxious about your resentment and antagonizing you.He's.probably flattered with all the attention he's getting from her.
Hun, the best form of defence is attack.
Get the glad rags out and head off on a night he's in.Tell him you're off to a club with the girls and give HIM something to worry about.
Whatever you do don't mope and fret.That just adds to his sense of self importance.Good Luck

Answer 6

something is fishy to me, especially if they did not continue see each other as friends when they did breakup. It would all be different if they have been friends for years but for an exgirlfriend just to show up when they are going through a divorce I would be asking her where her girlfriends are for support instead of some ex from god only knows how many years ago. It sounds like to me the lady is lonely and does not know how to move on to find new guy friends.

Answer 7

It could be a problem if he is hiding it. He may not know how to tell her to stop getting a hold of her. you are in a very hard situation because, if you start bugging him about it he could end up going to her. Then again she broke up with him so there may be some unresolved issues between them. You may want to seek a counselors advise and not the Internet because, we don't know how strong your relationship is. In my opinion I would be concerned if he was talking to an ex girl friend.
good luck I hope this info helps

Answer 8

I'd be a Little worried....not that much though...........I'd go to one jam session and see if they act weird .....shame on her ......she needs to cry on someone else's shoulder......I can see one or two emails a week, but not 5 & 6 times a day.......and 1 jam session a month is fine.....that's what you could suggest to your husband

i hope everything works out ok for you

Answer 9

This is a very serious situation....

You cannot have a sheep where a wolf is around and not expect the wolf to jump over on it and eat it alive...Can you?

SORRY FOR THE METAPHORE, BUT IT IS THE SITUATION...

If your husband DID NOT become secretive to a certain extent about it, then it would still be acceptable, but with much of causion on what could possibly happen next...

You need to be with them sometimes, reading eyes and feeling the atmosphere somehow...

In my dictionary, it does work to have such a relation, but with limits of course...

For instance, I would accept that SHE comes for a visit at home amongst the family (If you have children), where everyone knows who she is and what she means to us as a family..., but being alone with your husband is also no good for a visit to your place if it is not "within a family" situation...

Bear in mind dear they both have a MEMORY in their heads on the good old days...and they could possibly manage somehow some time somewhere to reach to the point of wanting to flourish those old days...WHY NOT !!!!!!!!!

Maybe they will think THREE MONTHS were not enough for them to really know one another at those old days... !!!

I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS...

In all cases, you know yourself and you know your husband...

And I am sure if it was the other way around, your husband wouldn't have felt at ease at all that you & your ex boy friend are meeting somewhere out as friends again...

This is really a difficult situation for him to accept, and if you decide it becomes the case anytime ahead from now, and you choose to make a WHITE LIE out of it telling him you came accross your ex bf and you will be going for dinner with him while your husband welcomes the idea with no rejection, then I would (feel) he plans to cheat on you with her ex gf who is supposed to be a friend only as confirmed...

Be wise my dear, and have the dots clearly put on top of the letters, and I advise you to mingle with them for sometime...

I know the nature of a woman when it comes to jealousy, but don't show it at all...Be a good listener, and an excellent observant, without them noticing you while being with them...

Try to get her close tou you as a friend if you know you could be that strong with an IRON WILL, and with the passage of time show her what it means to you to keep a firm grip on your family and how much love your house has got on it...

Maybe if there was something on her head, then she will back off somehow without you teling her to back off....

Be smart and extra carefull dear, and IF YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND REALLY LOVES YOU AND WILL NOT LOOSE YOU FOR THE WORLD, AND SIMULTANEOUSLY YOU SHOW HIM HOW MUCH YOU ACTUALLY LOVE HIM, AND NOTHING WILL HAVE ANY EFFECT ON YOUR LIVES, then I apologize for all the above said, but I am saying it out of an experience that I had before...

Wishing you all the best.

Answer 10

Either you accept it and let it go and find out later they're really having sex.

Or you stop it now, and you will eventually find out that he resents you and end up having sex with her.

But the truth of the matter is, if you're husband loved you, he'd respect your wishes and do away with this girl. Your husband should make you happy, not make you worry, give you concern, and wonder if something more could become!!!