How can I start to understand the mentality of a "workaholic?"?

Question

My husband is a great guy and we have been married for over 3 yrs. now. He has been an over-achiever since high school and is doing unbelievably well for his age. However, he used to work 8-6:30 or 7 with weekends off. Now it is stretching until 8am-8:30 or 9 and he is also having to go in a couple weekends a month. He feels 100% that he is doing this for his family and that he does not enjoy working. I am very lucky to be able to stay home with our toddler. However, I just can't understand his mentality. I think if you give a company 200% they will "expect" that forever. We relocated to a city 2 years ago where we don't know a soul and staying home with a 2 yr old and not knowing anyone can be a very lonely place. I love staying home, and don't want to work. But, is all this time really necessary? They love him at his job and I don't think leaving 1 hour early every night will make a difference. Am I being selfish? Can anyone relate? Thanks :)

Answer 1

You are female so you have mother instincts....hence why you don't mind staying home w/ the kid, etc.

Men have the father instinct....to provide. He works hard cause he is providing for his family. Don't pick at this as you will cause him to get angry and upset. A guy can take it very very personally when others tell him how to work and all....cause he knows he is working for his family. Its our job to supply a house, food, transportation, etc. Let him do his job....sounds like he is doing a good job at it.

Like its natural for the woman to want to nurture, its natural for the man to want to provide. And the harder he works, the more he feels that he is providing. And the more that is needed at home...as in baby items, etc....the harder and longer he will work for such things.

So if you don't want him to work so much.....don't ask for so much (items bought)....simple as that.

Answer 2

No, you aren't being selfish. He needs to figure out a healthier work/life balance. He has a family, that's a commitment. Is he aware that he may not know your child if he doesn't change his hours? I understand climbing the corporate ladder. What kind of work does he do that is expecting such long days? And, has he negotiated a salary that compensates for this? Is this just a part of his career where he needs to put these hours in so he can get to be partner or something?
First off, I recommend that you two watch the movie "Click". He may be able to understand just by watching the movie.
Also, there are some other suggestions for you if you think this is just a certain time in his career.
1.) If he has a laptop, possibly he comes home at five, has dinner time with his family, then works from home to finish up.
2.) You need to take care of yourself during this time. Have you thought about trying to find a Mommy and Me group? Or a play group for your baby, and meet other parents there? Check out www.craigslist.org (look at the right side for your city) then browse the site looking for activities for you and your baby.
3.) If he is working this much because you guys need the money (rather than climbing the corporate ladder), then possibly you can find a way to make money at home. Get into selling Avon or Pampered Chef. That way you can contribute just a little on the side.

Your time with your child is a FT job. But, when do you get your break? And when does your husband bond with your child? And when do you get a relationship with your husband? YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH.

Answer 3

no, you are not being selfish. being a stay at home mom is the hardest job on the face of the earth. i don't know how women do it (that's why i work outside of the home). anyway, the first thing you need to do is sit him down and talk to him about how you are feeling. not in a confrontational way. just to let him know how you feel. it's probably going to be very hard for him to cut back on his hours right away. but if he does it a little at a time he may be able to handle it better. you could start out by planning one weekend or even just one day that he spends with you. you two really need some couple time. and that little break will rejuvinate you so that you are not so stressed. the next thing you need to do is find something that you enjoy doing and make time for yourself to do it. (go to a movie, go to a spa, go shopping by yourself, whatever makes you feel good). i know you don't know know anyone, but you've been there now for 2 years and it's time to change that. you have to go looking for friends. there are mommy and me classes in just about every major city in the country. you can also find a mother's day out so that you can have a hour or two to yourself.

you need to remember that even though you are wife and mommy, you are still a woman and you still need to have your needs met. don't feel bad about neding some time away from being mommy. getting that time for yourself will actually help you to be the best mom that you can be. we all need a break from our jobs. that's why we have days off and vacation days. then when we go back to work we can handle the stress better. being a mom is a 24/7 job so we have to remember to take that time off every now and then so that we can handle the stress better.

good luck to you and i hope things work out for you.

Answer 4

I am sure you are not the only person that feels like this. I know that I am a workaholic because I have a side small business, plus I work a full time job sometimes as much as 48-50 hours a week.
I have always worked because I was brought up without anything, plus while I was going into high school I had to work to support my mom, dad, brothers and sisters. Yes, I do have two older brothers, but they would not work to support everyone.
I never asked anyone to feel sorry for me, so I did what I thought was the best thing at that time.
When I graduated from high school, I always promised to myself that I will never let my children grow up like I did, and I kept that promise to them. "NOW, there is one bad thing that I am guilty of and that is I was never around them to be a father like I should have been and that was wrong for me:.
Now I work two jobs because I am not happy being at home like I would like.
Have a wonderful weekend.

Answer 5

I was a workaholic until I got to a standard of living I was happy with, and then I looked around and realized what I missed all those years. Since you are raising your child, I'm not going to suggest you get a job to help him meet his goals, but maybe you can sit down and find out what his goals regarding wealth and possessions are. It probably goes along the lines of owning a certain kind of house, driving certain kinds of cars, wearing nice clothes, being able to travel on nice vacations (whenever he figures out you have to take time off to do that), etc.

It's tied into his self-image and ideal of success, and he gets positive reinforcment sometimes in the way or financial rewards or feeling indispensible on the job.

The indispensible feelings you can recreate in the home, but maybe a heart-to-heart on where you are headed in the long-term might either help you understand his sacrifice or acheive a better work/life balance.

Answer 6

Yes, I totally understand. You guys are a family and even though his financial support is important, your family life is too. It's important for him to understand his priorities, and maybe adjust them a little. It's wonderful that he is such a great provider, and make sure he understands that you appreciate his hard work. At the same time, you HAVE to spend time together as a family, and also time with just the two of you.
Maybe also think about his behavior lately. For instance, is your love life still active and good? Has he acted 'strange' lately? Not saying he's having an affair, I'm just saying watch out for that.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're in trouble. Its one reason to want to work to provide, but its another thing to put a job in front of your family. That company can go down any day, or he can be fired for any cause, and be left with nothing.
I was like this once, using my work as an excuse to just get away from my wife and family (whom I cared for) because I was unhappy with my life. In his mind he may be unhappy with his situation, and wants to avoid the issue by staying away, and still being productive. Look at it this way: he could be one of those guys that has to stop by a bar, or hang out with buddies, instead of spending time with you. I think he wants to be honorable, its obvious that he cares for you, but I don't think he loves you anymore.

Answer 8

If your marriage is going to work, longterm, you are going to have to get out of the house, and get involved in something you enjoy. He is always going to be a workaholic, it's in his blood, part of who he is. You, on the other hand, are going to have to find an activity, or something to occupy your time and energy. Join a ladies club, take a class, get a part-time job to mingle with people and get adult interaction. Good Luck!! Four walls will drive you bananas, after a while!

Answer 9

i'm suspicious of the term. it variety of feels to me to be a handy way of brushing off a guy or woman's issues as 'all their very own fault' somewhat than admitting that situations previous one's administration could have a area in it. word that the word does not exist in international locations like Sweden, The Netherlands and so on. issues are tackled socially first, somewhat than sending people to psychiatrists or advertising them self-help books. edit - I maximum suitable myself on one area. On a Dutch dialogue board i discovered the word 'slachoffermentaliteit' which interprets as 'sufferer mentality' with the comparable connotations. I looked greater desirable and observed it replaced into notably used via outstanding-wing events and their adherants.

Answer 10

he may just work alot to make sure your family has everything you need people that work all the time will continue to work all the time. so the time you do get with your husband make the best of it. working less is not something he can do easily. talk to him and ask him if maybe he could manage to be home for dinner every night. tell him how you feel with out screaming at him and tell him you didnt get married to be lonely you did just fine at achieveing lonley before you met him communication is key here and understanding.