for those of you with faith in psychology. i need input. I want to feel like myself again.?

Question

Ive been dealing with some issues that i feel i should have 'grown' out of by now. I'll give some quick background info. in college i dated a guy who hit me if i stole a french frie from his plate. i ended that one quick. after that. i dated a guy for almost 2 years who made going to see my family or friends a constant battle. after that ended, i was on my way to a friends wedding when i was supposed to pick up another close (male) friend to go as my date, and he sexually assaulted me. since then, ive moved to a new city, bought a business, and im dating a guy and have been for 2 years. we have a good relationship when im not 'acting out'. My insecurites seem quite large. I worry my mate finds all other women more attractive. I often worry that he's never going to want to settle down with me...that I'm not worth it. And Ive also noticed that since ive moved here with all the changes...i overreact. I cry a lot when im stressed..almost like hyperventilating. what's up with me

there's no doubt in my mind that i have insecurities. that's something i'm working on. i started going to the gym. im working on an art project with some great friends. but its much harder than just saying...im going to be better. im more concerned with my reactions to things...i overreact and i cry way too much, sometimes i feel like im going to hyperventilate.
its really upsetting. no one wants to feel this way.

darlene, ive thought a lot about this and i dont think he is the problem. i mean, if one day he decides im not worth it, then that's his decision...however, i can recognize the fact that am only human and there will always be room to grow. im asking for input and help because "I" want to. i want to deal with life better, i dont want to freak out about retarded things. I want my carefree, happy outlook back. theres a time and a place, and i suck at picking both of these. that's not healthy. and i know it.

Answer 1

Hi Candace,

I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a rough situation, emotionally.

I don't know what your life was like before these incidents, so it's hard to know what the "baseline" is.

I think it's good that you dumped the "fry guy" (that was a positive move on your part) The second guy sounds as if he was very possessive and, no matter who ended the relationship, I see that as a positive move as well.

I also think it's great you've started your life over in some sense, are running (or managing, or whatever) a business, and have had a good steady relationship with a man. Many women would not even want to try, at this stage; but you've continued to push forward and are trying to deal with any issues you might have.

It does sound like you're stressed. The hyperventilation is probably a form of "panic attack," where you simply feel overwhelmed by anxiety over what you're facing. You are also in a new place, where everything is uncertain geographically (i.e., it's a new environment, and you need to learn where everything is)...

And your last few relationships started out looking good, and unexpectedly went bed -- so you can't really trust that just because things seem good right now with THIS man, that things won't change overnight. That's why the painful experiences you describe are so hard to get over: Your very sense of what to expect, what is good/bad, and so forth is now shaken, and you don't know what to trust.

Your insecurities might be large, but they are not atypical insecurities. They're what many people go through, women and even men.

How often do you share with him what you've just shared here? Does he know that you're stressed, that you wonder about these things? Depending on the sort of man he is, and how open you are when you talk to him (and how open you have been about your past), he could be very sympathetic to you as you work through this. (Usually relationships only fall apart if you continue to stress but don't share with him what's going on -- so he might then think it just isn't working, or he's inadequate, or whatever.)

I wish I could give you a specific plan of action, but I don't know the details. From what you've said, it simply seems like you no longer can trust what you perceive (even if it's good) because of past abuse, so you're feeling a lot of anxiety -- and this is totally understandable, it's how we're built. So do not blame yourself or look down on yourself, as if you are bad or inferior, for feeling this way.

The fact that you also are very good at *not* blaming others for your feelings (you can look honestly at yourself) and are concerned about growing as a person (and doing what it takes to grow) shows a good heart and a mature one. That's very admirable; some people do not care as much as you do about that type of personal growth.

What I would do if I were in your shoes?

1. Accept that you have some bad experiences and your perceptions are now "skewed" -- you are perceiving and feeling anxiety over threats that might not actually exist. You need to recalibrate yourself.

To do this, you need to find some trustworthy friends who can tell you when your perception is a bit off. This man you're dating could end up being one of these advisors, but right now you are perceiving him as someone who might reject you if you don't 'get better,' so perhaps you should just start with girlfriends and family. Bounce your fears off them ("I'm sensing this, am I right? What do you think?") and take their advice seriously.

2. Be fair with yourself. You have issues like everyone else, and you are no worse than anyone else... and, as an outsider reading your post, I would say you are probably better off (in terms of personal growth) than many I have seen. You have the right heart and ability to evaluate your own behavior to become better. So don't beat yourself needlessly for your mistakes or your fears. Be kind and fair to yourself.

3. A therapist or counselor who deals with people in your shoes (or just a mature trusted adult) could be very useful to you, in helping you get a better "view of yourself" from the outside, so that you feel you are seeing clearly. A female counselor would probably be better overall, to avoid feeling any additional anxiety (since you've had some nasty situations with men).

4. You're not all the problem. Your bf is probably a good guy; he'll simply have the "normal problems," like everyone else. Don't take the burden for the relationship all on your own shoulders. There are probably some things he needs to grow in, as do you. Sharing the burden and helping each other to grow is part of what it means to be in a relationship.

I really wish there was more direction I could give you. You've come through a lot, girl, and you are far too hard on yourself. (I know what that feels like.) Ease up a little. You are doing WELL considering some of what you've been through, and you are moving in the right direction. It'll just take awhile. Don't judge yourself for not going more quickly.

Let some other people into your wounded spots, to give you the support you need, and let them carry you a bit.

Take care, and please feel free to PM me through Yahoo if you want to talk more about things.

Answer 2

~what's up is that you are trying/willing to face the rape and are finally able to start dealing with all that you survived.
Yes I'm sure that all of these events have made you more than bitter, angry, and "touchy" to say the least. But who wouldn't be for crying out loud. So, ask yourself some questions:
1) What purpose does it serve me to act out?
2) What am I not telling myself?
3) If I saw a stranger going thru this pain, what would I tell them that they couldn't see for themselves?

God bless you Sweetheart! I will be praying for you often! You will find your way thru this hell and come out into the sunshine soon!! (((MANY HUGS!!)))
edit to the last add on:
try this:
http://www.drphil.com
"Self Matters", "Life Strategies", "Getting Real"! These are life changing books Sweetheart! (I know, I've been there - and made it back alive - and better than EVER!)

Answer 3

Hi Candace,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're facing these issues. I'm not answering so much because I have faith in psychology, as I am because I have faith in you. I think that "what's up with you" is that you're dealing with feelings brought on by circumstances that no one should have to tolerate. First know that you're not wrong! I encourage you to start with your doctor. Let her or him know what is going on and seek professional advice. Then go from there. I wish you the best! You can and will get past this.

Answer 4

Wow! My heart goes out to you! You need to build more confidence, you have the strength to buy a business and run the business but you are letting people manipulate you in a relationship. You can't let this keep happening it is very unhealthy for yourself. You should never feel that your relationship is good when your "not acting out" your actions are a part of you and you need to find someone who will let you be you! I know this sounds strange coming from someone you don't know, but it's the truth you need to talk to him and put your foot down if he thinks he can do better then open the door for him. There are people out there with hearts, I am hoping I am still looking for my soulmate! But I refuse to give up, I am comfortable with myself and people think my acting out is funny, I have to be serious at times but I like to be silly and be fun enjoy life. I refuse to let other people decide who I will be! My parents couldn't do it, i have been in a relationship now for over 3 years and we are doing very good but I still don't know if he is the one! We talk about the future, but we have our days. We accept each other for who we are as individuals and people think we are great together! We have alot of fun times and are enjoying life so far, I just need to know he will be there for me in the bad times not just the good. Thats my only concern.

Answer 5

Hi Friend, I am a survivor of sexual abuse and am in therapy and a support group for 18 years. My life seemed to land me in one abuse situation after another .I've been working on my healing and changing my patterns for 18 years now and would be happy to discuss mental health options with you [e-mail] KIM

Answer 6

I just see a lot of insecurity. You have to imerse yourself in life doing as much for others as you can. this will take your mind off you and bring security and happiness to you. There are a few good books out there like "Bad Childhood, Good Life" that may help you to see where you have come from and how to have a good future from the things that have happened to you.

Answer 7

Hi fantastic good for u u go girl Big Hugs

Answer 8

your spirit needs strengthening [e-mail]