Do you feel sympathy for battered wives?

Question

I just think they choose to be there, there is a way out, they are the one choosing not to take it, why should I feel sympathy for some one with no self-respect. I know they say you cant understand until its you but that’s the point it never will be I would never EVER let a man treat me that way and get away with it, but if I did I certainly wouldn’t want sympathy as I think if you choose to put up with abuse that is your fault.
There will always be wife beaters but it’s your choice over whether to be their victim,
I don’t want to sound cruel and I do want the psychology behind it, because I genuinely don’t get it? And until I do I wont feel sympathetic.

Answer 1

Fast Facts on Domestic Violence

Battering on women is the most under reported crime in America.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States; more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. "Violence Against Women, A Majority Staff Report," Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, 102nd Congress, October 1992, p.3.

Three to four million women in the United States are beaten in their homes each year by their husbands, ex-husbands, or male lovers. "Women and Violence," Hearings before the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee, August 29 and December 11, 1990, Senate Hearing 101-939, pt. 1, p. 12.

One woman is beaten by her husband or partner every 15 seconds in the United States. Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1991.

About 1 out of 4 women are likely to be abused by a partner in her lifetime. Sara Glazer, "Violence, Against Women" CO Researcher, Congressional Quarterly, Inc., Volume 3, Number 8, February, 1993, p. 171.

Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. Statistics, National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women, Ruth Peachey, M.D. 1988.

Police report that between 40% and 60% of the calls they receive, especially on the night shift, are domestic violence disputes. Carrillo, Roxann "Violence Against Women: An Obstacle to Development," Human Development Report, 1990.

Battering occurs among people of all races, ages, socio-economic classes, religious affiliations, occupations, and educational backgrounds.

Fifty percent of all homeless women and children in this country are fleeing domestic violence. Senator Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991.

A battering incident is rarely an isolated event.

Battering tends to increase and become more violent over time.

Many batterers learned violent behavior growing up in an abusive family.

25% - 45% of all women who are battered are battered during pregnancy.

Domestic violence does not end immediately with separation. Over 70% of the women injured in domestic violence cases are injured after separation.

Domestic violence is not only physical and sexual violence but also psychological. Psychological violence means intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of the spouse through intimidation or manipulation to the detriment of the individual. "Five Year State Master Plan for the Prevention of and Service for Domestic Violence." Utah State Department of Human Services, January 1994.!..

Answer 2

You'll never, ever 'get it' because you're an idiot. You're stupidity also knows no bounds because here you are, with an obvious route to access more information than ever before (the www, in case you were wondering!), but still spouting the 'it'll never happen to me cos I'm sooooo clever' tripe. Do you seriously believe that you're the first person to think it's that simple? Spousal abuse starts, like most things, with a trickle, the flood doesn't start til much much later. By then the abuser has calculated how much he (or she, but you did ask about battered wives) can get away with because he's been inching along with the small stuff until she doesn't really see just how many miles he's actually gone. It's a systematic wearing down of her will that is what's really going on, she's accepted his pathetic aplogies or excuses for little digs and slaps so that when the slaps turn to punches and the digs are now kicks, or worse, she barely has the will to protest let alone leave. I wouldn't wish onto my worst enemy (or you) the experiences I've listened to in womens aid refuges. You're one of the most ignorant, arrogant people I've ever come across and you're a prime example of why women stay! You make them believe it's their fault when it never ever is, and so they stay, sometimes until they are murdered by men who say they 'loved' them, insted of getting out at the first sign. They don't want sympathy either, they certainly don't want yours, but they do need help. You don't have to understand it, just thank god it's not you and keep your mouth shut. No.one knows what they would or wouldn't do until they're in the exact same situation. Until then, feel sorry for yourself, you're pathetic.

Answer 3

It is very difficult to get an abusive person out of your house.

Police action is slow, and everyday abuse is so commonplace in society that there is in reality little protection from the law unless abuse is at a visibly (physically) extreme end of the scale.

As many of the answers said: physical abuse is built on emotional abuse and control. When you are a psychological prisoner of the situation, it takes time to muster the confidence and resources to make and carry out liberated decisons. During this time, the abuse may be happening. Would you judge someone while they were drowning?

When you are suffering (abuse) people often don't want to know you (ie they don't respect you - just like the abusive partner), or practical support is not available.
Therefore, receiving abuse is debilitating and isolating. When you are suffering it, you do not have the offer of an alternative life on-a-plate: this is your life and changing your circumstances has to be fought for psychologically and physically to carve out a new situation. The fragility that abuse makes of you means that you have to fight to believe in a future unknown as you try and escape the hell that you are living.

So, sympathy - no thanks. Try empathy.

Answer 4

Alot of the time the victim is made to belive that they have done something in the first place to bring on the abuse. For you to say that the victim is choosing to take it is rather unfair of you. The victim is full of fear, insecurity and has no self worth. My mother was a victim in a abusive relationship for many years and she hid the fact that her partner was abusing her. It was very tough for her to stand up and admit this was what was happening. She only admitted it because she was almost pressured by others into speaking up about what was happening to her. She used to be a very outgoing friendly person who had lots of friends around her. But as time went by he stole her identity and social life from her. You yourself said you would never take this how can you say that until your in a situation yourself. My mother was never the type of person who would let anyone walk all over her. It was never her choice she fell inlove with someone who she thought was a very good, caring and loving man who some how managed to fool alot of people and his family that were around him. Its not about feeling sympathy for a person its about understanding and helping someone who is in trouble.
Also some victims have had bad experiences through life so being controlled by others is all they are used to so this then becomes normal to them and can never see an option of living life differently. Maybe if you were to read a few stories about people being abused you may have more of an understanding of what happens in these abusive relationships.
I am not being all defensive on this subject matter just because my mother was abused these are my honest opinions before my mother had experienced any of this.

Answer 5

I was a battered wife.
He was my second husband, and 12 years younger than me; it was a whirlwind courtship, and I can say I didn't really know him until we lived together.
I'm a strong, independent woman, but his erosion of my self confidence was so gradual that I didn't even notice it. You see it took a year for him to actually hit me. I told him I was pregnant, and apparently pregnancy wasn't in HIS plans.
He punched me in the face, told me to get rid of it; I told him if it came to a choice, HE could go...I was keeping my baby.
As the pregnancy progressed, he got more violent. AT 24 weeks, he kicked me in the stomach; I finally went to the police, who did not charge him as I asked - he just got a warning. After that, he quietened down for a while. I was caught, you see.
Six months pregnant with my 5th child (I had four from my first marraige); Tired, swollen legs, emotional; I felt he might change when the baby arrived.
I was wrong.
My son arrived prematurely, and I became very ill after the birth; HIS only concern was that there were no clean shirts for him.
I threw him out while I was still in hospital; however, a friend arranged a reconcilation, and we agreed to give it another try.
A month later, he was back to his old tricks again. HE broke my ribs; he threatened to drop the baby out of the bedroom window if he didn't shut up crying.
The thing is, I loved him; I really did think then that if you loved someone enough, you could make everything all right.
He finally left for good when my son was 8 months old, and I have no contact with him now at all. That was HIS choice.
Sometimes it all seems like a dream; I cannot believe I let someone do that to me, but as I said, the change was so gradual that I guess I didn't see it.
I never looked for sympathy; in fact, my friends were generally unaware of what was going on; I used to lie about my injuries and how I got them. I somehow felt ashamed of what was happening, as if it was my fault in some way.
My son never knew his father, but I think he is all the better for that. He is a gentle lad, now aged 14, and has none of his father's tendencies.
Before this happened to me, I would have thought very much like you do now - not understanding why a woman would stay with an abusive partner; but as you can see, I know more now.

Answer 6

I was once subjected to violence from a boyfriend.
I did not want sympathy - I was too ashamed to tell anybody.
Its not that easy to just walk away.
Your confidence & self esteem is battered.
Its not just physical abuse, its all the mental abuse that comes with it that is worse.
You 'think' that u love this person & when they tell u they are sorry & it will never happen again, u believe them.

It was only when I was getting changed at the gym that a friend noticed the marks all over my body - he was clever, he never hurt on my face - that I plucked up the courage to get rid of him.

It took alot for me to do that & he begged & pleaded to come back & that it would never happen again but I was confident enough to tell him to sling his hook.

Now although it was a terrible experience for me & I would never ever ever let it happen again, it has made me the person I am today.

I am confident, full of life, intelligent & I can walk around with my head held high.

There is one thing I cannot understand though & that is when women do eventually get out of these relationships, why on earth would they ever go back??

So I dont believe it has anything to do with sympathy, its about being there & being supportive & being a friend.

Answer 7

Something in your life (usually the way you were treated as a child) makes you subconsciously believe that you deserve to be treated this way. If a child is mistreated, a common coping mechanism is to internalise the problems, therefore giving the child a semblance of control on the situation - e.g. "if its my fault there's something I can do about it".

This coping mechanism is then carried into adulthood. The wife believes she causes, and is thus, in control, of the abuse. He hits her because she did something wrong.

These beliefs are such an integral part of your mind set that they are like the foundations your whole personality is built upon. To remove the foundations will make the whole thing come crashing down, resulting in, most probably a complete mental breakdown. Bear in mind, too, that they are coping mechanisms created to deal with often highly traumatic incidents, and if you remove them, those incidents need to be reprocessed, which will be very painful.

Ironically, this is what is needed to rebuild a new more positive (and realistic) outlook on the world. It is however a very very scary and difficult process to undertake, especially if there are people (such as children) that depend on you.

Answer 8

My friend was beaten regularly by her husband every weekend, she was often hospitalised when I asked her why she didn't leave she said that the rest of the week he was so loving to her and she knew that if he didn't drink then he wouldn't hit her so she was the lucky one as her mam had been beaten every night by her father wether he was drunk or not. To her, growing up in a abusive family , it was the norm so she really did think that she had a good partner cos he only beat her on a weekend.

You also find that these bully's start of by just verbally abusing their partners, silly jokes or comments that are unkind but not something you would walk out of a relationship for ( it seems petty at the time to make a fuss) But they do it so often that eventually you lose all your self-esteem and at the same time you find yourself being gradually separated from your friends and family so that by the time he does hit you you really do believe him when he says its your fault for winding him up.

How many cases do you hear about in the news where a person has left their partner and he has then stalked her and eventually killed her. Fear makes you put up With a lot of things which in a rational mind would seem intolerable.

I think that I woulld never let myself be treat like that but you can never tell just how you would react. If you love someone you tend to make excuses for them.

Answer 9

First of all Davef that is no answer too any question! This person is asking to try to understand and make sense out of people. I am offering my opinion and that is all. The reason why I think battered wives stay with there husbands is:

1.) Some simply no, no other way of life they were raised abused or saw there mother abused do they think it is ok!

2.) Some think that they can actually deep down inside over time change this person, by them physically abusing them doesn't mean they don't love them they think it means they are hurting to and don't know how to express it and by the husband beating them eventually they will realize it's wrong and painful for both. It's a dream for some woman, they love the men so much they hope they can change them.

3.) They might just be stupid and have no self respect, or no self esteem which doesn't make a person stupid it makes that person uneducated and that person should find a friend to get educated and understand it's unacceptable!

I do not agree at all with men beating woman. My dad taught me to protect myself and I can! Any man hits me or my friends I hit back and they will regret it. I have been in fights with male species before and i figure if they hit me they are getting hit back and i don't hit like a sissy, my dad taught me to fight for myself for protection to really throw a punch, and I've knocked down a few male species (can't say men, because no man would hit a female)! That is my opinion, if you know someone if this type of situation maybe they arent looking for sympathy they might not know any better! You could simply send them some info anonomysly and with suggestions for help of course in a way that there husbands wouldn't find out. Or you could be nice and offer to try to help, I have stood up for strangers as well because they get hit in public.I follow them to the bathroom and simply say its none of my business but why do you put up with that? Some tell me to but out some want my help! I have met a few very nice woman that way and have 2 very nice friends out of situations like that who now know how to protect themselves and have good self esteems. I am no Dr I just think of other people and there feelings. Be kind and offer help, its not always sympathy people are looking for! Be careful and Good Luck!

Answer 10

Good luck because i used to have that attitude. A guy doesnt hit you on the first date.

Its the little things that start it like when you are dressed up and ready to go out and the guy says in a nice way a little comment about how you look a bit cheap and then it carries on until he freaks one day through jealousy and you reassure him. he puts you down until you have no self confidence or self worth and then it is a relief if he hits you because at least he isnt calling you a slag or whatever. It becomes easier not see your family or friends because that will just cause an argument. He makes it difficult for you to leave because he belittles you that much that you dont know your own mind.

When you do eventually leave it is so difficult because you dont know how to cope on your own anymore. You dont have any self esteem or confidence. You probaly are suffering from panic attacks because he has convinced you that people are looking at you with digust. he has made all the desisions for so long you dont even know what you take in your tea anymore. At this time he is probaly bombarding you with phone calls and flowers and acting like the best guy in the world. You start to think it will be easier just to go back and if you do it starts again.

Men who hit women arent drunk, stupid twats with string vests. They are clever and coniving and they know exactly how to get you where they want you. So you can go on thinking that woman like this deserve everything they get (and I used to believe that to so I dont judge you at all) but be on your guard.

I went from being an outgoing, friendly, confident girl to being a shell of a person who used to jump at the doorbell going and barely left her flat for over a year. I have just got over the panic attacks (i started going to college which gave me a lot of self confidence).

I dont trust men anymore and its my present boyfriend who suffers because I hold him at arms length and scrutinse every compliment he gives me.

I hope this covers it a bit better for you. As for sympathy, thats the last thing I want of anybody.