WHY the demand now? My wife and I have been together for 10 plus years and married for the last five.?

Question

I have worked jobs that take me away from home, ie. offshore 28/14 schedules, and I have done this for 4 years now. She says it bothers her cause she has to be a 'single' parent, but when I am home that is all I do-'make up for her time that she cared for the kids. I am the bread winner making 60-70k or more a year compared to her 15-20k that has no benefits. The other day she gave me a deadline of one month to find a job in NC where the median income is like 20-27k and limited benefits. To give you another idea just daycare alone is like 9k with the possibility to come down to 7k when the youngest goes to pre-k school. Let me not mention the truck, house, or just maintenance payments. I think her plan is buy straight out a trailer and live there and work at Wally World for $8.oo an hour, as long as I am home with her and the kids. I have stated my dislike for NC and wish to move to another area, but she has family in NC and wants to build a clientele there. Am I in the wrong?

First thanks for the good honest answers.
Secondly, I KNOW that money is not everything. I also know what it is to grow up in a trailer and see kids that had more and that feeling hurt a lot. A compromise would be great, because to be honest I HATE the people I work for now, so I have no reason to stay here, except I CAN not find a J-O-B that pays any where near what I make now, to maintain what we already have... The American dream is about to turn into an American Nightmare. And we have skimped in preperation to making less and less money, but it still takes a large chunk of our disposable income to maintain it.

And another point is when we are together we 'HAVE' to go out with her friends to show I do exist which is OK for the first 30 times then gets kind of old. And when I am talking to her and it all stops to talk to her friends, makes me really feel like I am a 'material object' that she wants to have near her rather than her husband.

Answer 1

You are not in the wrong. However, I don't believe she is either. It is VERY hard raising kids by yourself for extended periods of time. Not to mention the lonliness of being without your spouse for those same periods. I don't think that her request is out of bounds. But, it shouldn't be a demand. This is something that the two of you need to work out together. Marriage should never involve ultimatums. But, I'm afraid if you can't find a common ground that your marriage will not last. I would respect you for being the bread winner... But, I couldn't live like your wife does and be happy either.

Answer 2

Having you there with her is more of a priority than having material things...you should be thankful (unless she whines about material goods).

If your kids are young, even though I am sure you try to make up for it when you are home, need you there to set a good example as a role model.

However, it could be her whole motive is she needs more emotional support than you are able to give with your current schedule with the kids...don't put your head in the sand and let another potential Andrea Yates situation brew.

Try to find a compromise that will suit you both, which may be another state than NC where you can make good money, or at least decent money, without the long periods of time away from your family, even if it is someplace that neither of you knows anyone. It could be she could benefit from counseling and interacting with a peer group within your current zipcode. She is not likely to trailblaze the way, but if you go first, you can lead by example and a counselor can help you both sort out your values and priorities and all she will have to give up in the way of comfort if you take a lower paying job and live in a trailer.

I'll be honest with you...I tried to tell my now ex-husband that I would rather live in a trailer and have him there and build a real family, especially once our son was born, than to have a lot of material goods. He ignored it and we are now divorced for 12 year. We get along better now as a separate parent unit trying to work together than we ever did together because we both found out our goals and priorities in life were to vast to build a bridge.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Wow, am I the person to answer this question!!! In short: compromise.

When my husband (who is on the other side of the world as we speak) first started traveling, our kids were babies. It was live living through HELL! I mean the toll is hard to describe, but believe your wife when she says she cannot take it any more. When he'd come home, he usually brought gifts (still does) and then started lording over the house again and making subtle complaints about what was and wasn't done to his satisfaction. Resentment grew and grew until now, I really, truly want a divorce. If I could, I'd be single and away from him permanently right now.

So, I know what I am talking about when I say please hear your wife now while your marriage is still intact. Make a compromise and ask her to do the same. Let her know you are looking out for your family's financial well-being, but you cannot make a living in NC the way she's used to. Trust me, she THINKS she'll like living on less money, but less money is rarely a good thing!!!!! Find a place up north with higher salaries where she can still visit her relatives -- like Virginia, Maryland or Pennsylvania. It's an easy ride down 95 to get to NC from any of these places and then you can have a real marriage again.

Whatever you do, don't dig in your heels and do not let her dig in hers. You are really both going to have to give on this issue if your marriage is to survive.

Believe me, I know!

Answer 4

Well personally I think our spouses should be our lst priority PERIOD! That unfortunately is not always the case after marriage - as you've seen huh? In the 21 yrs since being married myself I can certainly say that there have been times when my children seemed lst on my priority list when they were young and NEEDED me so much. There have been times when I've felt less than #1 too and as far as ones sex life - heck, that goes up & down, back & forth with all couples. I THINK though that the only way THROUGH this maze of emotions, feelings, and relationship woes is pretty clearly communicating with our partners no matter what! Somes times you have to be the giver, and other times she might be. Sometimes 150% is required of us - that's just the give & take of marriage! All whining aside though ~ it sounds like you are 'doing' a lot of the right things but are you TALKING, sharing, communicating verbally the right things with your wife? You surely know that MOST women need verbal exchange 75% more than men do. If you have a chance to buy & read a book called "The 5 Love Languages" (Chapman) you would really get a clearer understanding of exactly WHAT your wife needs that perhaps you aren't giving. Since we tend to GIVE LOVE in the same way we NEED LOVE but our partner may need it in a different way.... so we go thru marriage & relationships thinking we're doing SO much and giving all we can possibly give when in reality we're missing the MARK and our partners needs and 'love bucket' isn't being filled at all by us. It's quite an eye opening book and helped my husband & I a great deal - I highly recommend it. It talks about 5 basis areas which represent the major Languages of Love and identifies which one is ours and which our partner has & needs also. It will surprise you! I sense your discouragement and frustration but DON'T GIVE UP - there is a way over this seemingly inpenetrable wall - I hope you take the TIME to find your way thru it before you make a huge blunder and seek the affection & attention you need in less than faithful ways! Be a little patient and do a little personal and emotional investigating & talking with your wife and I have faith you CAN get past this in a positive way!

Answer 5

That's definitely a tough one. I understand your situation exactly. Fortunately for me, my wife understands compromise. I was working overseas (in Iraq no less) for 9 months, away from our 2 year old daughter, but the money was going to greatly shorten our time to ramp up our savings, and be able to maintain the type of lifestyle we want to maintain. My wife understood that this was for the benefit for all of us in the long run.

Money doesn't necessarily buy happiness, but the things that are possible with having the money to spend can cause happiness, in my opinion. Of course, if you're not with your family to be able to experience this happiness, that is an issue.

Compromise is definitely an issue that needs to be worked out...from both of you. Be sure that you both have a seriously sit down and talk about the pros and cons to both of your 'plans' and come up with a viable solution. She will probably feel more secure if you TRY to go her route. Seriously research jobs in the NC area, and see if you can't get something that will work. If not, perhaps your wife will compromise on her end. Research jobs in the area that you want to move to, and also the possibility for her to possibly build a clientele in that area.

However, if you are going to remain working offshore, she should probably be more comfortable remainin with family in NC. After all, when you're not around, what other family will she have?

Answer 6

I think you should immediately start downsizing your finances, as if you were making $8 an hour. If that means putting your house up for sale, or moving to a less desirable location, so be it.

If your wife is serious about wanting to spend more time with you, she will applaud your preparations for doing so. On the other hand, if she wants that 60-70k, and she wants you to quit your job, she isn't being realistic.

Also, if the two of you are throwing ultimatums around, your marriage is not likely to last. I suggest that you see a marriage counselor. If that means taking some time off work, take some time off work.

Answer 7

Have you thought about how much she might be missing you while you are working away?

All this "I'm a single parent", might just be an ecxuse for "I can't cope without you"

Most people would give their right arm to be needed that much!
That being the case, a cut in income to live with a family that loves you regardless of financial gain is surely worth it.....

On the other hand, it could be these issues are really hiding another more sinister one, such as "you're not around much, so be around none!" Maybe she's making up reasons, knowing you'll choose work over her and skoot.

Only frank talking with each other will sort out the REAL underlying issues...........

Answer 8

I think she has already made up her mind.
She wants you home or not at all.
She is tired of being responsible for everything.
The pressure is too great for her and she doesn't want it all on her shoulders anymore.
Your job sounds great, but not being home, leaves allot of gaps in being a husband and father.
It is bothering her more, cause she is working and the kids are taking up more of her time. She wants to become independant and resents the fact that you are and she isn't. Fair os fair attitude.
It is very difficult for her to having the responsibilities she carries daily without your support.
It is difficult for you to have to work away from home and not spend the time with your wife and family.
I guess if you can sacrifice all the material things in life, then I could understand you finding work near home.
She must realize that you can't have the extras without cash. Is she talking a good story or is she ready to give up all the perks.
I think family has had allot of influence on her and she is building up resentment towards you after listening to all their comments.
If you have always had this kind of job, then she knew before she got invoved. Did she think things were going to change?
You have to do what yo have to do to survive and get ahead in this world. It is not cheap raising a family and just giving them the necessities in life.
She must stand by her choices, as she made them aware, and now all of a sudden doesn't like them. That is unfortunate, but she had a clear piture coming into this.
I think she is lonely and she wants companionship and is leaning towards finding someone to be there 24-7 for her, if it hasn;t happened already.
This is obviously your marriage future to her and she is wearing blinds, she has made up her mind and is standing her ground.
If you want to be with someone that is changing her mind mid strwam, then you had better think hard.
She is in the wrong here and I agree that she needs to stop being so selfish.

Answer 9

I guess it really depends on what your priorities in life are. Apparently your wife and children want you around. Both of you need to sit down and go over all of your options. She needs to compromise just as much as you do. There are many options to consider and buying a trailer and working at the awful Wal-mart is not the answer (unless you are uneducated white trash) which you do not sound. Tell her that if you switched positions that alot of things would need to be cut out of your expenses. I would tell her that if you leave your job she needs to agree to move somewhere else that you will be happy with. She has to learn compromise. I think maybe it is time to look into higher education and maybe do it online since the kids are young. Another option is to work seperate shifts to avoid the high costs of daycare. I do not understand why you would pay 9k for daycare for your wife to make 15k. We were paying about 5k but I was making 30k here in Florida.

Answer 10

wow, I feel for you, that is a tough one. I think that if she really wanted to she could build a clientele wherever she is. I'm thinking she is a hair stylist? No matter what you decide to do here sounds like someone is going to be unhappy. I don't think that I would give up my job with my income and benefits to go somewhere that I would struggle.I don't think that she is being fair to give you a (ultimatum) deadline.But what is real is the fact that no matter what answers you get here are not going to change the fact that if you don't do what she wants she has a consequence that you are going to suffer. Tell her to go alone, maybe then she will see she has given you a choice and now you have given her one. good luck