ok my fiance's twin brothers who are 27 years old keep calling my fiance and i. one asks for money (and is an alcoholic) the other asks to live with us and he is a drug addict. i have tried to help the alcoholic in the past but keep getting burnt or ripped off. this situation is causing me and my fiance to fight because he feels he can protect his little brothers. i feel that he has helped them enough and until they prove themselves worthy of help to let them fend for themselfs. am i wrong? what would you do if you were me?
2007-01-27 01:04:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
ok my fiance and i have been together for almost 4 years and we have been through alot i just want to know if i am wrong for standing up for him...i mean family is family but where do you draw the line?
2007-01-27 01:16:49 · update #1
That's a tough situation. Sorry you have to go through it. I can kind of see where he's coming from because they are his brothers and he loves them. It is difficult for him to remail objective. What he has to eventually realize, though, is that he is not helping them by constantly bailing them out. Unfortunately it just sends the signal to them that no matter what trouble they get themselves into, someone is there to save them. Until they really want to get clean and straighten out their lives, no amout of protecting them is going to keep them doing what they are doing. It will probably get a lot worse before it gets better. I have a similar situation going on in my family. One of my family members has been given countless chances for help and he just ends up burning the person who tried to help him. Now he is in jail again. He is just going to have to sit there and finish out his sentence. When he gets out he is either going to have to commit himself to a detox program or go back living on the streets because everytime someone has given him a place to stay, he has stolen from them or put them in danger by bringing home his strung out friends. Sadly, I think he will choose the latter, but I hope and pray that I am wrong. Its by no means easy, but at some point you have to just step back and let the brothers fend for themselves. They will both probably have to hit rock bottom and wallow around there for a while before they decide that they want more out of life. It is such a tragedy to see someone you love throw their life away but no amount of bailing them out is going to keep them from doing so until they are good and ready to make the changes themselves.
You may present them and your fiance with the idea of a help program, telling them that, that is the only assistance you can give them - no money, no place to stay. In Texas and LA there is a place called Cenikor which has an intensive 2 year program that not only offers counsiling, but also gives them a place to stay, sets them up with a job and gets them the skills and help they need to get clean, stay clean and be able to take care of themselves on the outside. The counselors they work with are graduates of the program, so they know what the addicted person is going through. Most of the money they earn at whatever job they are placed at goes to support the program and they are only given a small allowence once a week to buy little essentials (this keeps them from being tempted by having cash in pocket) I don't know where you live, but I am sure they probably have some similar type of program around. Do some research or even look up Cinekor on the web and contact them. They may at least be able to point you in the right direction.
God bless you and your fiance. I hope your fiance realizes what a good person he has in you and starts to listen and realize that you are trying to help, not hurt, his brothers. If not, then you may have to walk away because you defiantely don't want to be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life. God bless, good luck and I hope all turns out okay.
2007-01-27 01:53:42 · answer #1 · answered by Marijane K 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well this is your family too, one you guys get married...those twins need some tough love...if it were me, I would require for both of them to check into rehab and take the 12 steps (or however many) program before any further help would be coming from me. As this is you and your fiance's problem, the thing is to take your hands off the situation and allow him to make the decisions himself as long as they are not at all living in your house or hanging around it. I know and had close family members who were both drug users and alcoholics and I have experienced the stories (lies) that they tell and the backlash of their actions....i lost a car and expensive jewellery, my most expensive name brand clothing and money...need i say more...
2007-01-27 09:24:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you and your fiance need to have a very long chat about this and set clear bounderies for the future concerning how you will help them, how much, etc.
If they are in trouble financially, perhaps it would be better to agree to buy them groceries, or pay their electric bill, etc, instead of giving them money which will be spent on drugs or alcohol.
It is natural for your fiance to want to help & protect his little siblings, but neither of you should take part in supporting their self destructive habits. You work hard for your money, it should not be spent on their next little fix.
2007-01-27 09:26:03 · answer #3 · answered by Mary 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are right. Your fiance can not protect them. They need professional help. Tell your fiance that as long as he continues to help them they will continue doing what they do (as proven by the fact you kept getting ripped off). They will never learn to fend for themselves as long as your fiance helps them. If I were you I would not marry him until he stops helping them all together. Neither one of you need to start your marriage with this going on as it'll only cause problems for the two of you. I know it sounds like you are telling him to choose between you and them. You're not. You're telling him you don't want your marriage to start off with this problem.
2007-01-27 12:21:53 · answer #4 · answered by ctsnowmiss 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't help anybody that doesn't want to be helped. It seems like the twins do not want help, they want to use you. My parents have a very sound principle, they say they are going to help anybody who has done everything to succeed in something but there is just a little something that needs to be added so that he would be successful. I like it because in this way you really help the people that are motivated to succeed and are working for it so your help will not go in vain. I would say talk to your fiance and tell him you don't mind to help his brothers as long as they show some improvement and real desire to get better. Otherwise you are just helping them to stay longer in the condition in which they are.
2007-01-27 09:15:17 · answer #5 · answered by petyado 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell you fiance that it's time to stop babying his brothers. They aren't going to be able to be helped, until they grow up and help themselves. Jesus, 27 years old, and your fiance thinks he needs to take care of them? You're completely right. You have your own lives to live. You don't have to be babysitting two adults.
2007-01-27 12:23:07 · answer #6 · answered by Insanity 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should reconsider marrying your fiance. Your are in for a whole lot of heartache and trouble. Unfortunately, when you marry someone, you also get their family and your fiance does not know how to say no.
He probably feels sorry for them, feels he should help and protect them, but its you that will suffer, not him (from his perspective) and certainly not the brothers.
its hard to do, but reconsider the marriage...it will only get worse.
2007-01-27 09:10:23 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you are right. Going through a similar situation with my Mom and cousin. I have compassion but great Lord it gets OLD!!!! When you get the answer let me know.
2007-01-27 09:10:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's one of those tough situations.... I agree with you, but he is who he is. If he is not going to change, you have to decide if you can live with it, or if it's a "deal breaker" and you have to move on. Only you can make the decision. I hope you two can work something out.
2007-01-27 09:11:51 · answer #9 · answered by la buena bruja 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know, but I see how you feel. It 's not your place to keep "bailing" them out. I wouldn't like it either. I also see how he wants to help them, but you should be more important and your wishes should count for something.
2007-01-27 09:08:16 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋