The best way to "evict" a 12 year old?

Question

Perhaps evict is too strong a word, its more like take back his room and have him sleep in the guest room when he visits. I have a 12 y/o stepson, who is by far one of the worst children I have ever met. Ex: He stole a cell phone from a cancer patient on a Relay for Life walk and thought it was okay. Anyway he visits about once a month at best and has a room in my house. I bought it myself, not me and my husband. I really really need that room for an office. Space is limited, and I'm in med school and need a quiet place to study or else I will fail. We have a guest room with a queen sized bed that needs to stay a guest room because we have other family members who stay often. I need a good way to tell Cody that he will be sleeping in the guest room, and that his room is now my office. Even though he's a bad kid, he fakes the whole sweet angel thing to your face frighteningly well (then stabs you when your back is turned). I need a way to tell him about the room without being mean.

Just another window into the kind of person Cody is, he learned it all from his mother (who has custody). He is a child who knows how to work the system to get what he wants, and to hell with anyone else and their feelings. And his mother taught him everything he knows (She's been on welfare for 12 years for depression and hasn't had a job since she was pregnant with him. She only married my husband for money, and then freaked out when she found out he didn't have any... poked a hole in the condom to get pregnant before divorcing him, so she could get child support payments, etc). I just need a way to tell him about the room that won't be mean, and make it look like its not a big deal. Like, "You get to sleep in a much bigger bed now!" or something like that. His mother has already taught him to use us for everything he can and that we're worthless for anything else, and I don't want to contribute to that thinking -- you know?

Answer 1

I get it - this kid sounds like a bundle of trouble. And his mom is a huge problem. But think of it this way, his mom is his huge problem much more than you think - he loves her because her being his mom is a fact that he can't change.
He's got a load of stuff to deal with. You have to deal with him once a month. I hope your husband is much more involved than that.
Here's the solution - you can thank me later, when you realize that you 'took the high road' in this situation and it will make you feel much much better about yourself:
You tell (not ask) Cody that you are going to need to have office space in his room and you will have half or a corner of the room for your books and desk. Explain to him that the guest room is needed for all the family members who visit but you want him to still have a room that he can call his and that is his stuff (otherwise, and this is very important, you are purposefully giving him a message that when he visits, he is just a guest, too!) Tell him that when he's at your house, you will do your school work at the dining room table but the rest of the time, it would be a huge help if you could use the privacy of his room to get some quiet studying done. This assumes that you really do have frequent house guests who use the guest room. Otherwise, that would be a natural choice for a room that has a double use.
I think the point of him connecting with his father and visiting once a month and having his own room is to make him feel appreciated as his father's son. You are covertly trying to undermine this. Unlike other advice-givers here, I don't see this as an issue of who paid for the house (you). I also don't think a 12-year old has to be a 'good' kid to deserve a place in his father's house (he sees it and your husband sees it as your husband's house too) - it may grate on your nerves to see this kid once a month but someday, believe it or not, he may be a decent 25 year old kid who you are surprised to find that you like. That is, if your marriage lasts that long.
You've made a case that you think is airtight for doing what you think you have a right to do anyway (you paid for the house). But don't think it won't be recognized for what it is - making your son not a family member (which he is - he's a member of your family) but a guest in your husband's home.
Sorry. I don't back your plan.

Answer 2

you have problems.. how can you know she poked holes in his condom, where you there seeing her do this.. can't believe you fell for that one... can't believe he has to lie to you in order to justify him having his kid... sex is sex.. and that's what your husband did.. as for as the room you paid by yourself.. sure, you did pay it with your money...but if you were married, he must have paid for another one of your expenses. thats community property and your husband's property as well..and if you do not see it like that,go talk to a lawyer and he will show you are mistaken.. i think you should not get involved with this..you will make that child hate you.. sure you might not care now that the child cannot hurt you but that child will grow taller and stronger and i think you should have that child on your side..besides that would really make his mother squirm. the one that should tell cody is his father.. see if you convince his father.. but really,,, his son was in his life first.. before you were in his life.. why do you hate him so much if he is carrying your husbands blood inside him.. you say that the child stole.. then your husband should punish him.. how can that child do anything else if that is all he has been taught by his mother.. why not show that child love and teach him when he is making a mistake.. you say the child knows the law or system and to ask all what he can get.. I really believe you, i have seen it with some children... teach the child some humility.. show him, he cannot get more from his father. tell him his father has no money to eat.. teach him that only good things will be rewarded.. and as for as the bedroom.. i think you need a study room. why not put that desk in the guest room.. if the child gets his room, he learns trust and respect to his fathers mate.. you get your privacy in the guess room or put the desk in the bedroom... a small desk.....it takes about 5 years to build a solid bond.. sometimes less or more.. he is only 12, there is still time.. 12 years old he is just a child.... did you have your own room at age 12.

Answer 3

tell him that you needed to turn his room into an office because you need to study more than before and need a quiet place to do so. be sure to mention that the situation is only 'temporary' and until then tell him all the plus sides of sleeping in the guest room (it might have a better view or it could be bigger etc.).

If this fails then give him an option tell him that he can stay in the guest room or his old room will be used as a guest room and he will have to help move the furniture in the guest room into your office and vice versa

Answer 4

I would say just be honest, he is old enough to understand, explain to him that while he is a very important part of your family, that he does not live there 100% of the time and that you really need the room for your office/study, and that it does not change the way that you or your husband feel for him, but that in a family everyone has to make certain sacrifices to improve the family as a whole. then tell him besides you will have a bigger bed, more room for you to stretch way out and be comfortable.

Answer 5

That is so sad*~ You just have to say to Cody...This guest room will be where you'll be sleeping when you come to visit from now on as I need this room for my office. No matter what you say or how you say it...bottom line.......he's going to be in that room whether he likes it or not~* If he puts up a fuss..have the "Father" speak to him and tell him this is how it's going to be*~ End of discussion*
What a shame the mother of the boy has taught him so many wrong things in life.. how to manipulate people to get his own way.....Wow* I feel for that child because he is still just a child of 12yrs of age, not His fault if he has a parent teaching him wrong doings.
GOODLUCK

Answer 6

Feel fourtunate he just visits. I feel you , i really do. Try raising someone else`s kids, it`s even worse.

I have two rooms converted to my personal den, you need a place to get away. He`s got a bed for crying out loud.

You`re in med school, you know the answer to this question already. Your only asking this because you want to complain about him to someone. Thats what yahoo answers is. And i`m glad you did. I`m not alone now.

Dont be overly nice thinking that in the future he`ll repect you for it. It`s the big lie. His mom will get all the credit. Put his *** in the guest room.

Answer 7

be like "cody, since you ONLY come once a month, i thought it would be fitting to give you some luxury and let you sleep in the guest room, which is much nicer and has a KING size bed"

if that doesnt work, tell him you're remodeling his room and he has to stay in the guest room from now on.

Answer 8

Remove all of the emotion and baggage of his mother, etc. Make the room the issue of your schooling only. Get him an amoire or shelf that is only for his use, maybe a new throw rug or carpet that is in his favorite color, something to make the room seem his (even if it isn't, really.) If he doesn't like it, point out that it isn't really necessary that he likes everything in this life, only that he accepts it.

Answer 9

You know what? It is YOUR house and he is there 24 days of the year. Take it back!

Maybe when he is there you can buy something for the bed for him, like his own comforter or put a toy basket in the closet for him to play with. I do not think that is unreasonable in anyway.

If he puts up a fuss, tell him his other option is to sleep on the couch. He might for a few nights, but he will change his mind.

Answer 10

Honestly, and this probably will sound mean, I don't think you have a darn thing to explain to him. It's your house, he's hardly ever there, you need the room more, and as long as he still a place to go by himself, fine. Make sure your husband is on your side with it, and if the kid has a problem, he can discuss it with his father.