Daughter has had an abortion?

Question

My daughter recently turned 18 has a history of depression, was doing ok until Nov/ Dec when we had a bit of a set back she was teary etc. I also found a pregnancy test in her car and she said it was a friends. She denied she was or could be preganant and once again said it was a friends problem. She had put on a little bit of weight but I had not noticed any sickness and I was keeping an eye out. Any way Dr bills started to come in indicating that she had been in hospital which she denied. Another bill came in this one from a gynacologist, item no. indicating it was for a termination (looked on net) She again says she has no idea and stuck to her original statement when asked what the bills were for were they were for tests re the depression. Now the lastest bill confirms my suspicions and I need to know how to help her

Re the depression she has identified that it is related to an ongoing issue with her biological father's absence in her life, I know that is an issue but has she said that to deflect me from the real cause, yes I am hurt she could not come to me but understand. I was away for the day so she planned this well with the help of a friend. I found admission papers a while ago yes I looked and no this is wrong I need confirmation....do I go with her flow of direction and guide her discreetly or let her know that I no, which in some ways I no she does if that makes sense but is avoiding it with me. I am so concerned about her depresion history. I am a social worker so know the services that are out there but this is so damn hard when it is your own. Also do I tell her step father.......

Answer 1

I have been in your daughters shoes. My best advice to you even though it is the hardest thing to do, is respect her privacy. When I had my abortion I told noone. It was a decision I made after weighing all my options and knowing that I was not ready. I was on the pill and got preg. anyways. I kept it to myself because it was the hardest thing in the world to do and it was hard enough for me to wrap MY mind around it. I didn't want anyone elses feelings or opinions to warp how I made the decision or to interfere with my grief. When she is ready she will share with you, but keep in mind that she may never be ready to talk about it. It is no different than losing a child as far as grief goes but, to explain to someone else why you made that decision is sooo much harder. She may not want to hurt you and she may not want to hear how you could have helped.
Please be patient with her and don't pry. Don't hint or anything else. She made the decision because she knew it was best, and she did it the safest way possible. Silently praise her for that and just be there if she does need to talk. She is an adult and doesnt need to be judged. As long as her depression doesnt turn manic I would just let it be.
Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Have the strength to patient, and loving.

Answer 2

Your daughter is going through a tough time. And she will probably not be comfortable talking to you. Given her age, given her clear unwillingness to discuss this, you have to leave her alone. She learned a lesson: sex can get you in a lot of trouble. And she found a grown-up solution: get rid of the problem. She is now mindful that she is not capable of dealing with the responsibility of a baby. Be mindful, respectful, and even proud of that. Tough lesson, but at least she didn't curl into a little ball and let you take the fall. She dealt with it on her own, a sign of independence.

But there is no reason why you shouldn't try to engage her. However, if you push, you'll be pushing, and drive her away. She is already distant, and probably getting advice from friends, adult female figures - anyone and everyone except you.

So now you know. Let her know that you know - NOT by speaking. Leave her a note. Something like a brief "I know you may be going through a tough time. If you ever want to talk, I am here for you. Love, Dad."

That is all you can really do. Whenever she is ready to discuss this, she will. But don't expect anything. She's learning what happened to her, how other people have dealt with it, how other people felt after it, and she may even be wondering about the ethics behind the whole ordeal. She is on a quest right now. She is getting informed.

Hopefully she will eventually come to you once she has all the facts. And she will need you. Not for facts, but just for support. That's what she may ultimately ask from you. And I think you should give it to her as best you can.

Answer 3

I'm not sure but in this case this is what I would do because since the day my daughter has been born (only child) I have always talked to her like an adult because I wanted her to know what could happen to her if she did this or that. As matter of fact I still tell her the truth about life. I tell her all the time I love her, and I tell her she can come to me for anything, That I might be mad or not Happy about something but that no matter what I will help her and not say a word about it. Don't be afraid of your daughter, go to her tell her how much you care and love her, show your emotion to her, grab her, hug her hold her, let her cry and get it out, maybe that's what she needs or wants, she already feels that you know about her, and maybe she's just waiting for you to do what ever? Get mad if you have to, maybe she will stop thinking about the depression long enough to actually here your words. If this were my daughter I would hold her so tight to my heart and cry with her and tell her how much I love her as I hold her cheeks and stair into her eyes. For she is my life, she is my baby. Hope you can find her again.

Answer 4

that is tough, especially if she denies it. Try telling her that she won't get into to trouble you just want to be there for her. Her biggest problem could be that she is afraid of what you will say, same as every other teenager. Reassurance would be the best, and maybe eventually she will admit it.

If not, then talk to her about her friend. Like how is she coping? If she needs anyone to talk to tell her that I am available to listen and not judge. Tell her to tell her friend everything you would like to say to your daughter, within reason as it is still her friend. I hope this is clear.

With the talk about her friend, she will no doubt take time to think and when she does I am sure she will open up to you.

If she doesn't I don't really know what else you can do except tell her how much you love her, and how wonderful she is. Whatever you do make sure she knows that you are not going to judge her or her friend.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Answer 5

Your daughter knows you know this along with the guilt of having an abortion is probably tearing her apart inside I would sit her down tell her you understand the past is over there is nothing you can do to help her with being pregnant or deciding to have an abortion do not criticize her is any way she is punishing herself you need to let her know that you love her and she can come to you with anything reassure her you are not disappointed in her for what she did tell her you are proud of her for making an adult decision but let her know you are always and will always be there for her

Answer 6

I am so sorry that your feeling like this and that your daughter is clearly not having an easy time. I suggest that you write your daughter a letter explaining to her how you feel and exactly what you have found out. Tell her that you love her and that you arent angry with her but that your here for her when she needs it. Maybe contacting your family doctor may help as they could offer support and advice. If the depression is still a problem then see if you can arrange a counselling appointment for your daughter. When the times right you will need to try and discuss contraception with your daughter as she is obviously sexually active and needs to protect herself from further pregnancies and stds. Good luck

Answer 7

I recommend the free post-abortion counseling program available at http://www.healinghearts.org Your daughter can be paired with an email counselor (most likely a woman who has aborted a child herself) and go through the study online, or search for a Healing Hearts group in her area.

Answer 8

Maybe she was paying a friends way out of trouble,only you know the likely hood of that.

Your Baby is an adult. It sounds like she's more that a little uncomfortable with her decision. You need simpily to let her know that you are there for her no matter what she is going through and reguardless of her decisions. You are her mother. at this point in her life it's your job to pick her up when she falls on her face. Just like you did when she was learning to walk.

Answer 9

She knows you know the truth,and is maybe a little bit scared and embarrased about it. I'd take a step back from the questioning and just let her breath for a while,if she thinks your on her back she's gonna end up stressed and anxious which will aggrevate her depression. Maybe try talking to one of her friends secretly about it,but tell them she's not in trouble you're just worried. Good luck,i'm sure it will work out.

Answer 10

I had a termination behind my mums back, i just didnt feel she needed to know, i didnt want the lectures nor did i want to feel uncomfortable around her, as i cant talk to her about personal stuff, i dont know why. I had the support of my boyfriend so i was fine and i suppose i just seen it as being easier and less hassle, also why worry her and induce questions or rows when i had made my own mind up and delt with it my self any way.!!!