Help with husbands substance abuse and self destructive behavior.?

Question

Ive been married for over a year and have a seven month baby girl...Since we've been married and who knows for how long, my husband has been doing drugs and drinking heavily evry now and then..sometimes I know sometimes I don't...at first, I was very forgiving understanding that he just got married and had a baby..naturally he was adjusting to his new roles...but with no money either or career..he has resorted to his friends who are substance abusers like him....well, lately it has been worse...he believes that he doesnt have a problem...but he hides his xanax vicodin pot and his alcohol...I have tried yelling loving talking everything in my power to let him know that i love him and what he is doing is hurting me..today he punched a hole in the wall at my parents (where we are living)...I felt so bad..he was angry and slurring words i dont understand..he needs help.
are there anyone out there who can help direct me to what i can do..i don't think i can handle this much longer..

Answer 1

you need to lookafter your child first...you second...he needs help you may not be able to provide at this time...go online and research drug abuse so you understand what you need to do...seek out the pros...

Answer 2

The only thing you can do is get into Alanon meetings. Then decide if this is the way you are going to spend the rest of your life.
Im 42 yrs old. My childrens father went through treatment 3 times. He never was successful. He has been deceased now since 1989. I loved him dearly, but his behavior damaged our children and left me scarred for life.
Treatment is successful in some cases, but that person has to want treatment. This does not mean the problems are over. They usually transfer addictions to something else.
I am sorry you are in this position. Leaving him maybe the only answer. But if you do please be careful and at the first sign of a person with addiction problems, RUN!!
I have found it to be true that once in a relationship of this sort, you will be suseptable to being in another. Be careful.
I thought I was past this problem, I am having the same problems you are and I am almost one year into my second marriage. He has alchohol issues and drug problems. I never saw this coming. His temper is horrible. When he is straight he can be sweet and charming, but after a benge his personality turns sour. I did not see the warning signs before. This proves that people with certain personalities are drawn repeatedly into these relationships.

I hope you can find your way out of this, good luck.

Answer 3

Enablers are not aware of what they are doing...the intentions of enablers are good. It can only be a sin if someone is aware that they are doing wrong. If they've never known or been taught, how could they know? The Bible does not specify what is helpful and what isn't when it comes to the self-destructive behavior of others. Also, God reveals things in God's time, not yours. Maybe the enablers needed to stay in the dark so a few people on the road could be saved from a drunk person driving to get more liquor...they drove instead. I think that the subject of enabling is far too grey to pick on the Bible for it.

Answer 4

You can't really ask what to do with your marriage, it is your marriage and you have to decide if you will continue on with this person or if you no longer feel you can honor your vows because of his choices. But that is just it, these are his choices so you can not fix it for him or change it unless he decides those things aren't working for him. You can't make him stop, he will have to want to. Now maybe the ultimating threat- quit or leave will motivate him, but it may not so you have to live with that if you decide you have had enough and are ready to single parent. There may be a support group around or ask someone at AA or NA. Children, especially babies, demand and deserve sober parenting, when he makes you miserable, it is hard to be the mom you should be. Punching things sometimes escalates. Good Luck. Find a support group.

Answer 5

Get him out of the house that you and your child are in. Rarely do addicts change behavior because of the love of family. Sometimes, they never do. You have done what you can to make your point to him in many ways. You might have to accept the fact that you and your child are not his first loves. Drugs and alcohol are. Until that changes, you're pretty much stuck with an addict. Remove him and see what happens. Being an addict with no money or career plans?.........not at all redeeming qualities. He would be hard pressed to find someone else to support his lifestyle. Your baby should come first in this. If you can't disengage for your own self, do it for your baby.

Answer 6

Here is my suggestion to you. I myself am an alcoholic in recovery and nobody could do anything for me until I myself wanted the help. I am also surrounded by people who do love me, thank God for that but they had to look after themselves first. I know that this may sound selfish but now that I am sober and have been for some time I see things a whole lot different.
I do know of a group called Al-Anon that is support for people in your situation. I can't say what it all entails as I am not a part of this particular program, all that I can say is that I have heard that it is very beneficial to the non addict or alcoholic.

Answer 7

I went through this with my daughter, after twelve years of her marriage and two kids. Her husband was, your husband. She was abusing also. I got her into treatment because she wanted to, I had her kids and wouldn't let them go until she got treatment.
It took her four years and lots of fighting, money, love and hope, prayers. today she's remarried, he's still on the "streets" in Vegas. A loser. He has never seen his one daughter, his son was six when he saw him last, he's fifteen now.

My daughter is doing great today, the past is a lesson that she can pass on to her kids and she's learned her lesson hard. The person has to want to be helped, you can't force them.

Have someone with you and sit down with your husband, have them help you speak with him but, have all the answers ready, he'll want them. Find a place that will take him for treatment, many welfare departments have hospitals that have programs that are paid for through medicare and medic aide. Tell him it's "either or" you can't fight this on your own and if he's started hit the walls today, tomorrow, it's going to be you. you can count on that and, it won't heal on it's own, you have to take measures and step in or he's lost.

Answer 8

Dear friend, my only advice to you would be to ask directly to a drug counsellor or Narcotics Anonymous helpline, what you have said above to us. I don't know where you live or what support is available but i do know that Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics) in some countries is very good. The situation to me sounds horrible and I feel for you and think you deserve better. Get some qualified help, and make your decision and choices from there. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Feel free to email me if you want to.

Answer 9

That's what you wanted. You wanted that kind of a husband and a father for your child. You're an adult. You chose him as the most reliable man to be your husband. Think back to those other " too nice " or weird guys you wouldn't even give them a chance. Those guys wouldn't be giving you headaches with such stupidity as your current husband. You're supposed to be the choosier sex. Did you fall asleep on the job ?
You are 100% at fault. Since,you decide who breeds with you and who doesn't. You could have made him sign a contract that had the following line; " I will not be a dead beat dad drunk. If I am. I will pay my wife 50% of my earnings after our divorce for life. "
You got what you wanted. Now live with it. All you can do now is call the Police if he gets drunk and violent. The Police reports will be proof for your reason for a divorce.
You can't change him. Don't even try. It's futile. He's a drunk violent bum addict for life. It's called a divorce.

Answer 10

Yes. First of all, start listening to Dr Laura. She is on the radio and is nationally sindicated.... Check online for her station number in your area. You will like her a LOT and can also call her talk show to get an answer.
HOWEVER MY DEAR, I am guessing that you are a young wife and feeling very lost right now. Having been in a 5 year relationship with a man who sounds EXACTLY like yours, I will GARANTEE you that YOU have NO POWER to convince him otherwise. He doesn't need to know YOU love him in order to stop the drugs. He needs to know that HE loves HIMSELF. I know - this is harder than you thought isn't it?
He is probably young and didn't know what he was in for. If you want him to step up and be a man, you must treat him like one. Truth is, if he was a man, then he wouldn't be treating you like thise either and therefor you would have NO REASON to tolerate it no matter how much you love him. Leave and lean on the ones you can depend on (for now) like family and friends. I know there is NOTHING like companionship, but locing him while he is loving drugs is NOT COMPANIONSHIP.

He needs to know that you love yourself AND your baby WAY too much to submit yourselves to this nonsense. What saved my life of misery (and I swear it will save yours) was a Book called "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Screw Up their Lives....."

I know this book title seems harsh and TRUST ME, when I was gifted this book by someone, I was so offended that I wouldn't read it for another year or so. But when I did, I finally mustered up the courage to stand up for what I DESERVED as well as my own family.

It's now or never sweetie. Keep your head up and focus your energy on loving that Baby for the both of you right now.......

Meg -

Answer 11

You need to get very clear with him, right away. As it is, he is a threat to you and to your daughter. You should point him to AA and ask that he either go regularly or move out. Then do it.

Alcoholics frequently have to hit bottom before they change. Cutting him some slack is only enabling him to shirk his parental, marital and basic adult responsibilities.