Losing status with a long-time friend... very sad.?

Question

One of my friends & I have know each other since we were 9-yrs old; we are now 38. We are "cancer friends" – we know we can count on the other in a crisis or so I thought. She recently had a health scare. Ironically, I was the last of her friends to find out. These other friends are parents of her children’s friends; known for 3 yrs max. We both have friends outside of us, but I am shocked to learn accidentally about something so serious when people who have known her for a short time knew. We have always leaned on each other. Nothing has happened, etc. I do like her friends a lot; I’m glad they are buds, but I can not seem to get this hurt out of me. I feel like I lost status with someone who means a lot to me-I have felt tears in my eyes a number of times. I would never bring it up to her; I care for her & I don’t want to turn her scare into a “me” issue. I am though having a hard time coming to terms with losing my cancer friend. Can anyone let me know what you would do?

Answer 1

First, I empathize with you -- I would feel the same way. And yes, I too have had my share of long-term friends behave in (what I consider) an inappropriate way to me -- and seemingly replace me, over time, with other friends.

I see nothing wrong with talking to her about it, just to get everything out in the open.

You might be surprised (or hurt) by what you hear, however, so brace yourself.

When you clued us in who her new friends were, that immediately told me something: She has something in common with these new people: they all have children around the same age. That's probably the connection. Do I think such a friendship will last? No, but to her anyway, that connection is strong enough now to base a very close friendship on.

Friendships change over time, largely because the friends in question change. Some friends fade away, some casual friends may become close ones or simple acquaintances, and some close or even best friends may become casual friends over time.

Childhood friendships (even the longstanding ones) can be especially troublesome later in life: We develop, we have problems as adults we didn't have as children, we have diffferent needs, and more importantly, we sometimes lose contact with our friends and don't realize they have changed over time.

So what if it is a "me" issue? Ask her about it or the problem will come up again sometime in the future at an inappropriate moment. Has she specifically forbidden you to talk to her about it? No. Talk to her and get it out of your system. Again though, be prepared. The friendship has changed. She is reaching out to other people and expanding her friendship web. Still, I have to tell you though, I understand how you feel. It is a little bit like betrayal.

One thing you might want to do after your talk with her is examine your own web of friendships and see where you might have to acquire new friends yourself who meet your current needs.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am not sure why she did that but I can guess that since you stated that you are 'CANCER FRIENDS" maybe she knew you were going thru something else right now and did not want to burden you with this after you told her about your particular situation.

Maybe she did not want you to 'feel sorry for her' or treat her differently
maybe she felt like right now you needed her to be there for you?

not an excuse but an explanation.
I would probably feel hurt too.
I doubt I would confront her about it but i would most certainly re evaluate the friendship.

P.S. The 'friend' that told you would be someone to stay away from. What kind of bytch would run around and tell anyone else that kind of thing?

Answer 3

well, I really think that she didn't want to be "cancer friends" in this circumstance and didn't want to put it into that category. From what you wrote, it sounds like maybe you have both gotten through the cancer deaths or possible deaths of people close to you at different times and it brought you closer. However, she probably doesn't want to think of herself as someone who may lose the battle and talking to you about cancer may trigger bad feelings (not toward you of course) about the people who were close to you and/or her who didn't do as well as she would like to do in conquering the disease. It's one of those situations where she may feel like she can only be strong for so long and then she is just going to fall apart...considering that she has kids, it may be easier right now for her to talk to people who are friends but not as close as you are. She may think that if she talks to you, she might just feel comfortable enough to cry and she may be scared of "falling apart" right now. Just give her some time.... but also, don't get into a mindset where you think that your feelings aren't as important as hers just because she is sick. I think that once she is okay, you may want to tell her that it made you feel demoted when she didn't tell you about it first and that it hurt your feelings. Anyway, I wish you both luck! :)

Answer 4

She might have had your best interest at heart. Maybe she didn't want you to worry too much about her. You never really know until you talk to her.

But be careful. Don't make it seem as if she did something wrong by not telling you, cause you have to remember, the only one who can make you feel hurt is yourself. So make her understand that, while it is her choice to tell (or not) whomever she chooses, you just want to understand why you weren't one of them.

Bring your favorite comfort food with you, while you're at it. You'll most probably end up with the waterworks. Let it all out, then have fun binging together. =)

Answer 5

I ma sure she was tryign to protect you. When you are ver close to something you feel kind of uncormfortable telling them scary things. I am sure you have been through a lot together but seeing you break down would have made her handle the issue in a different way. I am sure she knew you would find out about it somehow

Answer 6

Sometimes for me its easier to talk to random friends of mine than my family or close friends. I can't explain it...I guess when you have a big problem its often hard to talk to your close friend. I understand it probably hurt you because this is more than a friend to you...she's probably like a sister. Try to forgive her for the sake of your friendship and your happiness. Talk to her and ask her why she didn't talk to you about it. Maybe she will explain it you and it will make sense.

Answer 7

sounds like it is a "me" issue, i think you should call her, tell her you found out about what was going on and were surprised that she didnt tell you herself what happened immediately , you know include some thing about how much you care for her , love her, are there for her no matter what, value the friendship........ well basically , no matter what answer she gives you - even if the reason for her not callin you asap seems like bull****-.... dont go on askin any more questions, if you do.. it will be very apparent to her that you turned it into a "me" issue...

Answer 8

Do you two still talk and catch up often? Could simply be that she now spends more time with her other friends - so that means that she would have gone to them automatically.

Just talk to her, but don't make it into an interrogation/accusation

Answer 9

Maybe she feels like she's infringing upon your rights. I'm really sorry though, I know how that feels when a very good friend gets distanced from you. god bless and good luck dear.

Answer 10

maybe she wasn't the one who told her other friends. calm down.

you said they were her children's parents right? so that can also mean that the children told their friends, who had told their own parents, and so they know.

please don't jump into conclusions. it might not even be her fault.. :)

you are not losing her.. stay the same way as you are to her. and she'll appreciate you even more..
good luck!!