I need an honest answer to help me move on past the pain. I was married to my highschool sweetheart for 15 years. Back in early nov. she told me that she had no feelings for me and needed her space and wanted to be on her own. I was devestated becuase it came as a shock. Then about two days later I talked to my friends and they told me that they would bet the farm that she is seeing somebody else. Well I found out that week that it was a school teacher where she works. I pleaded for her to stay and work on marriage whatever it takes! We have two small boys7&9 and I was fighting for her. She made it very clear that she was not leaving this guy and did not want to work on our marriage. I divorced her two weeks after that to make sure that I get my sons in my life equally with her. It was VERY hard to do I even cried at the attorneys office. To make a long story short my question is this- might she of had feelings for me but this guy was clouding her emotions?
2007-01-26 18:35:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
damn! are you me? this sounds horrifyingly familiar. about the ONLY difference in the story is that i had two daughters and a son instead of two sons.
based on MY experience--give it up. fight with every last ounce of strength you have to get equal custody and generous visitation with you kids. don't EVER miss a weekend or time with them.
my ex divorced me in 1987. from then until my two daughters moved in with me i NEVER missed a weekend with my girls. despite all the bullshit my ex put me through with dropping them off late and wanting to pick them up early. my two daughters finally got to the age where their opinion mattered and they both moved in with me and my second wife. we raised those girls up and they're both married and working on families of their own now. my son and i don't have as close a relationship as i have with my daughters--but i'm working on it.
you sound like me some 20 years ago. i thought it was due to my wife's mind being 'clouded' by the other guy. no---it takes two people to tango---your wife, for whatever reason, didn't find what she wanted or needed with you. i don't say that as a slam against you--that's just the way it is.
my wife had no desire to attend marriage counseling. so i went by myself. it helps. in her words my wife said "I'm going to live here in our apartment till I graduate from college. Then I'm going to take our kids, move out and divorce you." and she was my high school sweetheart! ain't she a peach?
all i can say to you is move on. devote as much time and energy to your kids as is needed. someday they will probably want to live with you. i would encourage that and work towards that aim.
best of luck to you. move on---she's not worthy of your effort. but your kids are!
2007-01-26 18:48:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
No. She ceased to find you that interesting. It was probably a combination of things, but mostly it was because you weren't a challenge. If she felt that if she left you, that you'd find a replacement in 5 seconds flat because there were a 100 other women out there waiting who'd be lucky to have you, then she wouldn't have ever looked at another man.
Now how does one remain that interesting? That's hard to answer, and I don't know all the answers myself as is witnessed by a succession of failed relationships, but I have learned some things from them...
Did you stop maintaining your appearance? Did you turn into a wimp (her doormat, her chaufer, etc?)? Did you stop acting like a gentleman? Did you act weak? How about your confidence? And I am not talking arrogance: confidence is quiet and doesn't brag.
One thing that modern psychology tells men to do is communicate: I can garauntee you that if you spend much time whining about your problems to your wife, it's a turn off.
Life's lessons. You've learned a hard one, and you'll be stronger for it, but the real losers are your kids.
Know this: there's nothing you can do. Once her interest level got so low that she started an extramarital affair, the opportunity for a continuing happy marriage was near nil, and once she moved out to be with this guy, she showed you just how much she disrespected you, and there's no getting it back into a healthy, happy marriage territory.
It's over. You have to be strong now, and you do that by taking care of yourself: get in shape, work on your hobbies and cultivate your interests, try to be a good father and don't use your kids as a weapon against the witch who ripped your heart out.
Over time you will get angry, but that too will pass. Try to focus on the positive things in your life, stay busy, learn to enjoy a single life. When you're happy again, start dating. Date 'em and make them earn your respect before you keep 'em around.
Good luck.
2007-01-27 02:57:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi-
I hate to say this, but I am in the same situtation as you, except I am in your wifes position. I think you may be right. I think there is more to it than that though. You are highschool sweethearts, all she's ever really had is YOU. She loves you, there is no doubt there, but she probably feels trapped, like she never had a chance to do more. Im sure she loves you, but she is probably just confused about what she is doing in life. So she thinks this will fix it. But she will realize later that leaving you wont fix the problem, because she is her own worst enemy. I think she is the one clouding her emotions--not this guy. I bet she has felt this way for a while, and then she met him and that initial spark that their relationship had, gave her that drive to leave. Also, maybe you two have been together for so long that the spark is gone between you two. Sure you might think it is there, but maybe she doesnt. Try to get her to listen to you, and realize the mistake she is making! Good luck and God Bless
2007-01-27 02:51:31 · answer #3 · answered by allynas24 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends. If she has only been with you since she was in high school, she may be wondering what it was like to be in a relationship with someone else. In other words she did not have time to explore being with other guys. If she is in her thirties, most people may go through this time feeling like they want to do as much as they can before they die (mid-life crisis). Anyway, you can look at it this way. This is the part to think of to help you move on: Even if she is going through a phase, and she decides to come back, things will probably not be the same between you again. You will probably be wondering if she is still interested in this guy or someone else. So, it's best to grieve, then move on. I've had many friends who have been through this and it is very tough but you still have your life and there is so much out there. And about her having feelings for you, I am sure that she still loves you. You both have spent, I am assuming, half of your lives together and you've had children together. It would take A LOT to destroy this. Take care
2007-01-27 03:01:40 · answer #4 · answered by Sari 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No honestly if she loved u like u think she did she would have never crept into someone else bed, she sounds like a dog( not 2 b mean) But think if the love was gone respectfully she should have said that and then move out and moved all. Sounds like u deserve better. Listen up heard the say what goes around comes around? If u still love her 4 some reason and want things 2 work, believe in if u set something free and it was meant 2 b it will return other wise it was never meant 4 u. Hope things get better 4 u.
2007-01-27 13:09:26 · answer #5 · answered by precious 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she was unahppy for a long time and should have admitted it. My heart goes out to you..this is horrible.
She might have a need to get something she wasn't getting...but her feelings or thoughts obviously weren't with you. She sounds like a horrible person. If she cared at all..she would have been honest before an affair happened.
Best of wishes. Im so sorry......and i thought 4 years was bad.
2007-01-27 03:47:07 · answer #6 · answered by Starla 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe but the truth is that she will always feel something for you and she will always love you in her own way. Unfortunately, she is not IN LOVE with you any longer. Honestly, We as women, fall out of love with our husbands because they either ignore or neglect us and that is what happened to your wife. You didn't realize when or how, but it happened. You and her got lost some years back and instead of coming to you, she went somewhere else for attention. I am sure that she has tried to tell you along the way, but you just weren't paying attention. It's not your fault that she went to someone else. Communication between married couples need to be an every-day-thing, just like love, to your wife, needed to be an everyday thing also. Women love to be loved by our husbands everyday and when it isn't everyday, we tend to feel neglected or ignored and one day we realize that we just aren't in love any longer. Maybe things got too routine between you and her. Maybe you and her just didn't spend alot of quality time together. Maybe you or her were with your friends more then each other. I don't know what your situation was like but if you just need an explanation in detail to try to figure it out, you can email me if you want to.
2007-01-27 03:05:49 · answer #7 · answered by LM 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Guess when you find someone at a young age you think its all great then this happens hits you hard. can't believe she do such a thing. go figure there are just some women who fall hard for other men when it comes to their emotions we are all touchy like that hope everything goes well for you and life doesn't have to end with this one stone in your path get back out there and live, love and be happy with or with out a woman.
2007-01-27 02:51:55 · answer #8 · answered by bustnloose_2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's good to know there are still decent guys out there....I wish I could say something to ease your pain but that will only come with time. The truth is, your kids will probably grow up, resent her for her decision and she will be the one to have to live with her regrets later in life. Hang in there. Best wishes.
2007-01-27 03:09:36 · answer #9 · answered by momathome 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you know my parent's were married for 22 yrs and one day my father decided that he was board and needed to change something in his life to feel alive again he began cheating on my mother I asked him why and said that he compared his married life with hes soon to be new life at the time he said it felt to him that leaving with his new girl was reviving him one year latter he noticed how wrong he was that the reason he had lived with my mother so long was because he loved her and knew he wanted to be with her till the end he confessed to being mislead with the excitement of lust thinking it was love seven years have passed and to the date my father repeats his story to us and begs for forgiveness but the truth I think your wife does love you unfortunately she is confusing her feeling for the new guy with love 15 years of love for some one never leaves overnight it stays with time she might notice this Good Luck think for your kids it helped my mother it might work for you
2007-01-27 03:01:47 · answer #10 · answered by Katarena S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋