he left the night I caught them and didn't come back because he was afraid of what I'd do to him. Since I caught him with her everybody has been telling me that they always saw him with her at the bar or restaraunts. We are separated right now but sometimes he calls and wants me to go back with him. Then he gets mad and says he doesn't love my anymore. Then he calls back begging again. I don't know what to do. I married him when I was 15 and I've been married to him for 11 years. He's always been abusive and controlling but for some reason I can't imagine my life without him. I'm afraid of having to live the rest of my life alone because I have 3 kids and I don't think anyone else would want me with 3 kids. Please help me with some advise because I really don't know what to do.
2007-01-26 17:05:13 · 66 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I should have mencioned that I am in mexico right now. We came on vacation in november and that's when all this happend. Here those laws aren't very enforced. He went back to our home in california and I stayed here with my mom. I DID talk to the girl's parents but they didn't seem to care much because her family is poor and my husband was giving her money and making her think that he plans to marry her. He calls me every night from CA and wants me to go home with him. Here in mexico there is no way I will be able to support myself. I don't have much family, only one brother and he lives here in mexico too. It's nearly impossible to support myself and 3 boys here.
2007-01-27 03:35:28 · update #1
why on earth would he be at a bar with a 15 year old child...
Her parents need to know, if this is even a real situation..
He has major problems if it is, you need to worry about the kids involved, even the one kid that is not yours, instead of being without a man..
2007-01-26 17:10:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and read what you have written for answers and pretend that it is written by someone else. I am sure that if you read your post that way you will know what it is you need to do. You say he has always been abusive, so why would you want to stay in that situation. I know where I live it is illegal for an adult to have a sexual relationship with a 15 year old girl and if that is the case where you are, then all the more reason to stay away from this man.
Of course it is going to be scary to have to make a life on your own, but imagine some of the things you may never do or the people you may never get to meet if you stay in a relationship with an abusive husband who is doing the wrong thing with a 15 year old girl. And what are your kids going to do when they find out what their father has been up to?
Be strong and stay away from this man as he is no good.
2007-01-26 17:12:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your words: "He's always been abusive and controlling but for some reason I can't imagine my life without him. I'm afraid of having to live the rest of my life alone because I have 3 kids and I don't think anyone else would want me with 3 kids"....could have been spoken by me six years ago.
You now have the chance to get out. Do it. Tell him he's right, you don't love him anymore, and that you have had it up to here...and be done with him. I am a single parent, with three children, and yes it's tough sometimes, and it's not always fun...but I am alive, and I don't have the abuse and the control issues anymore...I can live my life and do things the way I want to do them.
Take it from someone who has been there...you can do it, and someone will come along who will want you and your kids...the package deal...and if they don't, then they aren't worth it.
Get yourself and the kids into counselling, and be done with this man. Yes it will be hard, and yes there are hurdles to get over, but you can do it!
You deserve better! Go for it! Best of luck.
2007-01-26 17:14:39 · answer #3 · answered by nerdy girl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing first- honey you need to get real and think this WHOLE situation through. This man married YOU when you were 15 and now he is messing around with another 15 year old?!? That should send up red flags - that aren't just flags as they are sending up smoke signals because they are on fire! You say he has always been abusive and controlling. Well, he hasn't changed- he's just abusing and controlling ANOTHER 15 year old. Next, does this little 15 year old girl's parent know what he is doing to their daughter? You say you have 3 kids together- he has the potential of abusing them too (if he hasn't already!).
You need to get completely away from this man and take your children with you. Don't worry about whether or not anybody else will "want" you with 3 kids. Your focus should be on taking care of yourself and your children. You are young and time does heal wounds even when they are deep. You need to get yourself to a shelter (if you don't have any family around to help you) with your children. Don't look back and don't get back together with this man. Do yourself and your kids a favor- don't let this immature person come back in to mess with your life or that of your kids.
You need to make sure that the kids are okay and that he hasn't abused them. Better to err on the side of caution.
2007-01-26 17:27:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay away from him, call the police and report him and get a divorce. He has proven he will be with her. If it is not her, it will be someone else's child. He has always been abusive and controlling---there are other men out there who will date, love, and marry a woman with 3 children. It is not the end of the world, just the end of a life of hell and misery. He has absolutely no respect for you what so ever. He calls you because he needs a place to stay. That's all--that's it.
You have never known anything else, now is the time to find out how it feels to be treated with the respect and dignity you deserve. He is a scumbag. Leave him alone. Years from now you will be so very glad you did.
2007-01-26 17:20:21 · answer #5 · answered by Tumbleweed 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very hard for a woman who has been in your situation to move on past the self doubt after being with a man who is controlling and abusive. Especially since you married him at such an early age. The first thing you need to realize is you having these insecurities about yourself are all part of the plan from such a man. That way he knows you will always fall back on him. In a sense, you have been brainwashed by this man. I know it may be hard to think that you have been at this point and you probably feel you still love him, but it isn't healthy. Not for you, not for your kids. Seek out a local Women's Resource Center and they will help you with counseling as well as helping you get back on your feet as an individual. You have to believe in yourself as a woman, and a mother to your children to do what is best for all of you. Minus the controlling husband. It's not only damaging to your well-being, but your kids too. Your kids will grow up thinking it is ok for a man to be that way with women. And you know in your heart already that it isn't. So, brush yourself off, and get back on your feet and get the help you need and deserve. Good luck.....
2007-01-26 17:20:37 · answer #6 · answered by teashy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's 15? Well, where I'm from that is illegal! And the man is a pedophile. This entire situation has so many issues. Leave him, get a lawyer (god I hope you don't have daughters), find yourself (you were a baby when you met him), and men do still date and marry women that have kids. I have 3 from a previous marriage and I have a boyfriend, and I can think of a lot of people who now have blended families of 4-7 children. Go find yourself, who are you without the kids or him. You have got to do that, abuse and control is bad. Bad for you, bad for your kids. Do you want your sons to think that their father's behavior is OK, and do you want your daughters to think it's OK to be treated that way? And I seriously think that counseling would be a good idea.
2007-01-26 17:18:02 · answer #7 · answered by linda k 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Truthfully I would be scared for your own children if he was caught with a 15 year old. I think that you know that what he did is wrong since you got the courage to come on here and ask the question the next step would be to take him to court for custody of your kids and last move far away from him. That is what I would do definitely not forgive him NOT FOR THIS!! You are not only setting yourself up for more hurt but possibly your children too. Wish you the best!!
2007-01-26 17:29:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously, this sicko has a thing for young girls, and you're too old for him now. I'd call the cops.
You can't imagine your life without him because you didn't get a chance to grow up and turn into an adult without him. Now is your chance. Find some courage, and call an attorney.
You won't have to be alone forever, and there are plenty of truly good men in the world who will take on three kids when they fall in love with you... but do yourself (and your kids) a HUGE favor. Do not start dating right away.
GIve yourself time without a man so you can concentrate on taking care of your kids and (equally important) figuring out who you really are. Right now your identity is wrapped up in your husband. You need true clarity on who you are before you try getting into another relationship, or you'll end up in one just as bad (or worse) than this one.
Good luck!
2007-01-26 17:12:53 · answer #9 · answered by SLWrites 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Being your own independent without him is the best choice.
Being firm, independent, don't let him control you and make you feel guilty. He is the one who's guilty NOT you.
This is what abusive person will do for you.
It is a pattern like others abusive person ....
It's called "Common cycle of abuse."
Tension builds in the abuser ---> Abuser explodes and ---> finally abuser is sorry and forgiven
Then tension builds again
It will keep going without stop until the cycle is broken. (Remember cycle won't change no matter how much he says he will change)
Another thing is abusive person always makes you think that you cannot survive alone. Always make you feel powerless.
You must stand up in order to survive otherwise you will be a victim and be in a cycle of abuses all over and over again.
If need more resources
www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo
www.stateattorney.org/aweb/dv.htm
2007-01-26 17:25:03 · answer #10 · answered by Nate K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So let me get this straight...he's an abusive, cheating child molester who plays mind games with you. But you don't know what to do?
Uh, shouldn't you call her parents and THE POLICE! This is about more than forgiveness. Dude has a problem! Child molestation is a serious thing. How old was he when you married? If more than 18, you should've known he had a problem then.
PLUS, he's abusive...Your PRIMARY obligation is to protect your kids. Great role model dad seems to be. And not far behind that is your duty to protect other people's kids, such as this CHILD he's molesting. She may be willing, but she doesn't know what she's doing at her age. And what bartender would let a 15-yr-old in?
Seek therapy. Please.
2007-01-26 17:23:48 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋