My boyfriend's grandfather died last night and the service is in a couple of days. We've been together 5.5 years, and living together almost 1 year. I very sincerely offered to accompany him to the funeral. HE ASKED ME NOT TO COME. He said that it would be a very emotional FAMILY affair, and although I'm kind of his family now, his parents and aunts and uncles would be very emotional and having an "outsider" (his words) there might make it worse. Although I guess I understand in a way, I also feel kind of hurt by this. Am I overreacting? ( I didn't say anything to him about being upset.)
2007-01-26 14:00:01 · 20 answers · asked by leaner 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
No, it's not "all about me." It just scares me to think that I might always be the "outsider," no matter how long we're together. I haven't said anything, because I know this is a delicate time, and I don't want to make it worse.
2007-01-26 14:15:12 · update #1
I have met most of his family. I've been to Thanksgiving and New Years with his family. As far as I know, they all like me. I definitely want to respect him and his family right now (they're all very close, and were close to the grandfather), I just don't know how to feel about it all..
2007-01-26 14:19:39 · update #2
Hmm... 5 and a half years. Hasn't married you. And now considers you an 'outsider'. You find out where people really stand when there in emotional situations.
I would support him through his time of need, so it didn't cloud the situation and then after a couple of months I would tell him I needed a break (which obviously you do). Sometimes a break is good to recoup and clear your head. Maybe after the break you'll feel refreshed and will see the relationship in a different light...
2007-01-26 15:13:57 · answer #1 · answered by shees_a_challenge 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say that your live-in boyfriend's grandfather died and he does not want you to attend the funeral because it is going to be a very emotional,Family Affair,where his Parents,aunts and uncles would be there and you being there would make it worse because you are not Family? I do not know what State you live in but here in the State of Texas, when you live with a guy for six mos. and up you are considered his common Law wife, and have rights just as if you were his Wife. If you lived with him for more than five yrs., doesn't he considered you part of him? Talk, to him about this situation and I hope he shows that he is sorry for what he said, and start showing you that you come first in everything he does. Good luck to you and I hope you both will be able to resolve this issue before another one comes along.
2007-02-01 10:13:12 · answer #2 · answered by a.vasquez7413@sbcglobal.net 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you've been to holiday celebrations then you are known and obviously not an outsider as you put it. He just wants to grieve in a way that he feels is personal, more personal than he can share with you at this time. Don't let it diminish what you two share. If you allow him his own space at this time and respect his wishes it can only bring the two of you closer. I also think that it's time for the two of you to get married if a future together is what you want. Otherwise, maybe your suspicions are real and it's time to go. Five and a half years is long enough to know where you fit into his life. If you don't know, that's a problem, and there's your answer.
2007-02-02 13:56:24 · answer #3 · answered by sustasue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only two reasonable explanations I can give you for his behaviour for this are this:
1) Funeral of grandfathers bring together EVERYBODY and there may be some family things discussed that he is not ready for you to be privy to (for instance, what the Grampa left behind as inheritance and who will be getting it, or what HE may be getting)
2) He doesn't want the distraction of everyone who has not yet met you asking about you and when you two are going to get married, or you becoming the center of the conversation OR because he feels that he will have alot of responsibility for his family members and taking care of things, he doesn't want to feel like he has to "hang out" with you. He probably just wants to hang out with the male cousins and talk man/boy talk for a day and not worry about accompanying you.
This once...I'd take it with a smile, go out of town or run off with a couple of girlfriends yourself for the day. Let him know it's fine with you. Don't drill him when he gets home. Be normal and you'll come out ok. If you've been together this long it's probably been ok so far.
2007-01-31 17:34:02 · answer #4 · answered by themerchantprincess 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
kind of. once you're a pal or relative then somebody might call you and inform you the date and time of the funeral. some funerals are inner maximum and the prompt family contributors would not prefer all and sundry else there. regularly the wake, if there is one, is public and all and sundry can drop by utilising the funeral domicile to attend. in case you prefer to flow to the funeral then ask the funeral director if the funeral is public or inner maximum. clarify the way you comprehend the deceased individual. no person sends out invites to a funeral, if that's what you're asking.
2016-11-01 09:31:30 · answer #5 · answered by deliberato 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He definitely used the wrong words, but he just plainly wants that time to be with him and his family, his actual kin. Just pay your respects, send flowers to his grandma, or his parents and understand that this is his time, so cater to him a little. Different people have different ways of mourning and I'm sure he didn't mean to belittle your status in your relationship, you've been together for 5+ yrs, so that can't be the case.
2007-02-02 08:51:00 · answer #6 · answered by HappilyEverAfter 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's the complications of life.
You may gracefully accept his wish and then let him bring your warm salutations to them all, and so afterwards let him report extensively about the ceremony and then ask him if anyone took notice of, or commented on, your absence.
You are definitely not overreacting. It is painful to be excluded from something, indeed much more if from such an utmost significant vicissitude in his family.
His wish to not having you with him at his family's ceremony might depend on the fact that you maybe are not "officially" formally married to him and therefore you yourself not officially a certified member of his family. Some families may be quite bluntly conservative about this.
You might resort to a strategy so you in your calm and unconflictual way may come to find out of more about this serious event and so ask him for advice about your further behavior in that matter.
2007-02-01 07:28:03 · answer #7 · answered by pasquale garonfolo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
after 5 and a half years, his family should be like a part of yours. something is fishy about that. and also, there are no invitations to a funeral. if i were you, i would just go and show your respects, dont bid him the time of day, but watch to see if he is hiding something or someone, adn then leave. you dont have to stay for the entire services, but i definitely would show up out of respect for his grandfather and other family members. dotn forget to sign the book too!!
2007-01-26 16:10:14 · answer #8 · answered by dana 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
After 5 1/2 years of dating you would think he would consider you family enough to support him during this time. If he doesn't want you there don't be bothered, give your condolenses and let that be the end of it. Though this isn't about you, I can see how you would feel left out of this part of his life, and if he cares about you he will see that once he's finished grieving.
2007-01-31 19:30:16 · answer #9 · answered by MsTrust 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only he knows the answer to that. Could be something as simple as being "shy" - the dude knows he's going to cry and doesn't want you to see.
Or, more likely, I'd say the answer above in respect to 5.5 years and still the outsider and no ring... might be time to move on.
2007-01-26 15:16:53 · answer #10 · answered by going_crazy_30m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋