the past, should it matter in the NOW?

Question

i've been married almost 2 years we have a baby 7 weeks old. I learned tonight my hubby was dating another women when we met. We married in may 05 he dated her till july 05 should i let him know i know about it? should i let the past rest in the past? besides this we have other issues. I do trust him but, i'm wondering if that trust has been misplaced.

i learned this because the girl and i both have a mutual friend i knew my hubby had in the past had sex with the girl but he had told me they were never bg gf. I was under the belife it was casual and ended b4 we ever married. I talked to the girl and my friend both stories match it was a relationship that ended AFTER we were married

i'm 29 he's 34

Answer 1

If he's still not dating her, let it go for the sake of your baby.
Hope all works well.

~flashylights*

Answer 2

If it's bothering you, talk to your husband. Whether it's in the past or not, it doesn't matter. Talk about what is bothering you and ask him if he's seeing anyone at the moment and let him tell you his side of the story.

Eventhough it's the past, it was a period which extended into your marriage. You would want to make sure your husband doesn't have a cheating problem, or any other kinds of hidden secrets he's keeping from you that can potentially affect your marriage.

He'll probably bring up that it was a long time ago...but the point is that he was a married man, even an engaged man when he was seeing this girl. So, yeah, talk to him. Make sure he's on the right path now and continue to be the loving wife that you are and get over this road you have to cross.

Answer 3

Trust is a big thing in a marriage. I think that you should confront him about, but not in a bad way. Just let him know that the issue at this time is whether or not you can trust him. If you can't then you need to make a decision about staying or getting out.

I don't really like hearing people saying to stick out for the child sake, especially at this age. The baby would be better of with two parents that are apart, but happy, then with two parents that are miserable and together.

Good luck.

Answer 4

first of all the past is the past so let it stay there.you said your also having other issues which you didn't mention.i'm going to take a guess at this and say he's not paying attention to you like he used to and you feel neglected which you should be.and maybe he's spending more time with his friends than he is with you and you feel that the excitement of the marriage has faded away some.if this is the case which the majoraty of marriages have problems with.you need to sit down with him and present to him what your concerns are.and see if he's willing to resolve the problems along with you.love is a fifty fifty thing and both parties have to realize what each others needs are.if the love between the two of you is unquestionably strong then it should never get old,instead it should get stronger in time.marriage is what the two involved make it.is it possible your expecting too much from him? or maybe he just isn't willing to give you what you need.your two adults so sit down with him and discuss it like adults.both parties have to be willing to make it work,but if only one is putting forth the effort then the chances of it working are slim next to none.i hope things work out for you,i really do so take care and good luck. pete

Answer 5

No, the past shouldn't matter now. My husband too had a lady he was dating and letters were delivered at our house after we were married.Can you let the past rest in the past???? I'm not good at it but if you are and can put it out of your mind do it. I had to tell my husband I knew and we talked it over so I understood what he was thinking. We continued to be open and honest through our marriage of 35 years. Trust is important and it can come back if lost. In the end it's your decision ,I hope you two can be open with each other and have a good life with that new baby.

Answer 6

People do make mistakes. You are getting this information third hand and not from your husband. Could it possibly be inaccurate?

You say you have other issues.....but are they serious?

You don't say how old you are or if your basic needs are being met. Does your husband show love and devotion today to you and the baby? Is your husband a capable and reliable partner?

You have a baby to raise now and you might be feeling vulnerable and emotional right now. Now is a time for the relationship to be pulling together....not falling apart.

Your baby needs two parents who can work together in harmony. Does your relationship have that potential?

Choose your battles wisely.....and don't look for trouble where there might not be any. Only you know for sure where you need to take this.

Answer 7

I think you need to talk to him about it honestly & without getting upset ( if that is possible). Tell him what you learned, and that you just need to get his side of the story. When you talk it out, you can forgive him .

Keeping secrets will 'cause issues' in any marriage. Not talking about things that bother each of you will cause issues. You 3 are now a team. You want your team to succede & for that the teammates must have a game plan & must communicate with each other.

If you are not sure how to start communicating better, you can ask for help from a pastor/cleric/priest/rabbi, or a counselor. There are also books that can teach you rules for 'fair fighting', negotiating, etc. If you get a book, you both need to read it & work on it.

I hope you 2 work it out for the sake of your child.

Answer 8

If you trust him with all of your heart, then no, don't say anything. Let the past stay in the past and deal with the now and the future. You two have a wonderful addition to your family and now is not the time to bring up this. Deal with your other issues and enjoy your life with your husband and baby! Congratulations on the baby and Best of luck!

Answer 9

In order for your marriage to work, and your baby to have a Daddy that is at home with it, you HAVE to let the past stay in the past. Sure , you're hurt, but this WAS in the past. As far as I can tell, everything has been above board since you've been married. He WAS dating another woman when the two of you met, but he found what he was looking for in you, not her....you got married, had a wonderful baby together.......let the past go. Enjoy your baby, and your marriage. The past IS the past!! Good Luck!!

Answer 10

I did read the rest of your question, but I would like to focus on the initial part, does the past matter in the NOW? You ask a spiritual question, and the sad fact is that most of us live in memory. Whether that is memory of the past, or projection out of memory into what could happen in the future. Either way, we live in memory most of the time. The problem with that is that the now passes us by, every fleeting second. The past really doesn't matter, you shape the course of your life by what you do NOW. Develop and let love between you and yours blossom NOW. Plant the seeds for that NOW. Don't color it with the past or projections of the future. Sow now, and then reap. Instead of dwelling in fear because of past perceptions, have fun NOW. All those fun times NOW will serve you in good stead in the future.

Answer 11

If you tell him you know, why do you want to do so? To judge him or to look for a negative reaction? Or to tell him that you love him for leaving her, for realizing he had choices when he met you but you're honored that he chose you and that now you have a lovely baby to show the world as a symbol of his devotion to you. So what he dated for 2 mos while dating you. A commitment to only you had not been made but he did make it and has honored it. What is misplaced is your perspective that his actions were honorable first to himself and then to you as it should be. Tell him you wish he'd been honest with you and you do not want him to give you any reasons to doubt his love for you ever again. But do not argue it with him and do not start to speculate without facts that he is unfaithful now. Now matters today because that is the moment we live in. Now will always be more important than the past because Now is what we have control over. Choose wisely and love without judgement and animosity.