ex wife or me?

Question

I am ambitous and caring and strong. I love education and I intend to be a plastic surgeon some day.
I have known my fiance..well ex fiance now for 4 years. He is 6 years older than me and that's never really been an issue. We were best friends first and I feel for him and he had this ex wife that his heart would not let go of. Finally..now we have been together for 8 months. We were getting married this April and he's kept assuring me that him and his ex are just friends. However, after a visit to our home town...they saw each other and he has called things off because he does not know who he wants to be with.
She has done nothing but loathe in pity for the past 5 years.....she's been with the guy she left him for all of this time...and he's not treating her right.
I feel like she sees what we have and wants it...though she doesn't know all of the struggles it took to stay with him. He has a very VERY bad pill addiction..and can get very easily addicted to other drugs. It's

been an ongoing battle and we've fought over it and broken up about 3 times.
I have always been here for him. I have always loved him. I have also been here to support him every time he looses a job.
I know that he is confused, but shouldn't I be where his commitment lies after all of the things he's put me through mentally and physically?
Why would he want someone who's not doing anything with their life.
I talk to her and dont want to hate her...she seems like a very sad individual..and she's older than me, but I'm just a Happier person..inspite of everything life has thrown at me. I love life and I recently quit smoking..its been over 6 weeks on that. Why would he want her.......? She doesn't stick with jobs if she doesn't like the rules.....she's very immature.....and can barely take care of herself.
Does he feel in some way responsible for this. Why is she coming back into his life now? im sorry, im just hurt and confused.

Answer 1

Ultimatum, you or her and if he has to think long and hard about it, leave.

She's trying to do this and looks like she is succeeding. You may want to tell her to leave you guys alone. Be cordial about it, be the bigger person. Don't sink to her level.

Answer 2

Move on. Let your ex deal with his old baggage over his ex.
Were you his first relationship after he was divorced? Maybe he was on the rebound and never had a chance to sort out what he wanted.

You should encourage him to see her and work this out with her, as hard as that sounds. He has to deal with this head on. He HAS to know once and for all what his emotions are.

You can't help him solve this while he is in this turmoil. Keep yourself busy and out of the picture.

Once this issue is resolved, you will be WIN either way:
-you didn't hook up with a man who still loved someone else,or,
-you won the man who buried his past to come back to you.

You are a smart woman.....you know that you have to give him some space right now.

Answer 3

I think he needs to help himself before he goes into a relationship with anyone. He needs to check into rehab and get over his pill addiction, stay clean, and do some counseling while he's in there.
Then when he comes out he may see things more clearly. He might see you as a happy person that would be good for him. He needs to get over his ex since she clearly moved on a long time ago and is only coming back because her own relationship looks like crap now.
If he still doesn't know, then he obviously isn't into either one of us as much as he would need to be to get married to either of you. He obviously still hasn't found the right person yet.

Answer 4

im sorry, but reading what you wrote, it sounds like his being side-tracked is a blessing for you. for one thing, to marry someone who has an addiction at the time, you have no idea what lies ahead. how it will affect you/him/your future children, your families etc. a marriage is a committment forever. the "i love you, i need you, i want you" can be fly-by-night sayings without realizing and living out the committment of the words. also, there is something called "traumatic bonding" which is used pretty much in cases of abuse BUT it might have something to do w/your bond to him. you have been thru so many hard times that you feel bonded to him by them. thats not "true love", its something else. not to say that u dont truely love him. BUT if he is being careless w/his use of pills, leaning toward another woman too, he is not showing you the true committed LOVE that you deserve. instead of feeling out another woman, he should be in rehab trying to be a better man to himself, you and his community. best to u

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. The fact remains that it's not your decision to make. It is his. And he needs to be honest with himself and honest with you. You may know that you are much better for him, but he doesn't sound convinced of that yet. The fact that he is wavering makes it obvious that he's not ready to marry you yet. You need to accept that fact. Be prepared to wait... longer than you would like, maybe. Pressuring him into an engagement now will only push him away or force him into a marriage which he isn't 100% committed to -- which is worse.
If you're not willing to wait, you need to cut him free, because it's not going to happen anytime soon with this guy.

Answer 6

he may want to be with her, because he can do whatever he likes around her, even his pills. their way of life is familiar to him, and birds of a feather flock together. u may be every good thing she is not, but he can do what he likes with her, and with u he has to fly right, and do what's right. they are alike in many ways, and he can live his life as he chooses with her, and he can't do that with u. she does want what u and he had, so she is tugging on his heart strings, but if all it took was to just see her to change his mind than u never had his love. think it has alot to do with his way of life, as addiction is very hard to stop, maybe he sees a way of going back to that way of life, to the man he use to be. if u were smart and i think u are, i wouldn't put too much confidence in a man like him. he isn't over her, and may never be, do u really want to go through life like this, never knowing what to expect. and if u have plans, and high aspirations for your life, u will need to keep a clear head without all this drama and dysfunction, u are way too good for this man honey.

Answer 7

Just because you have stuck by him through his addiction doesn't mean he loves you or that you are better than the ex-wife. You can't judge the relationship that they had at all, I don't care how long you have been with him.

Answer 8

hunny i stopped reading at pill adiction, these type of people are only with you to get those pills... you need a stro ng man who doesnt need alcohol pills herbs or drugs to be with himself, and you.... PLEASE i know you have worked hard at it for four years, i spent three years with a man who was addicted to meth... i finally realized it was never going to stop... i actually saw him five years later and he looked like deth was on his doorstep..... please dont be afraid to leave this guy because you'll be lonely, the only person you can save is yourself, not anyone else.... think f your future kids,,,, and check out those A&e iNTERVENTION SHOWS... it shows how addictiion can literally rip a family apart....

Answer 9

Leave him (them) in the dust. Better luck next time. Try a drug-free guy, they may be boring, but much more stable.

Answer 10

over and over you said why would he want to be with someone like her. the question here should be why would you want to be with someone like him???? he is a drug addict, he leaves you at the drop of a hat. what are you thinking?? you need to stop worrying so much about him and start worrying about YOU!!