We recently married. I moved from my country to his country. It was because we agreed that he was more established in work in his country than I was in my country. After moving to his country I found out different. He was not as established as I was and everything he told me was not true. I feel so deceived and hurt. He just wanted me to live in his country. I feel so bitter and hurt. I want to just leave him and put our marriage behind me. He begs me to forgive him. How do I even start with all this hurt in my heart?
2007-01-26 09:42:25 · 18 answers · asked by caribbeanmeme 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you all for answers.
2007-01-27 04:26:28 · update #1
You have received a lot of good advice so far. Ask yourself if you truly love him and want to give him a chance to earn your trust. If you do, then make him earn it. If you can be comfortable in his country, then stay. If not, go home and tell him he is welcome to follow you if he wants to be with you.
First rule for you now is that you have to watch out for your own well-being because he has proven that you cannot trust him at this time to do so.
I am in the same situation with my wife - I misled her about my career and she quit her job and moved from her state in the US to mine so I could continue my career. Only I had exaggerated the level of success I was having - to her as well as to myself. As soon as she was here, my business partners resented my choice to marry and turned on me. I found myself without a job and with a very hurt wife.
There was another lie I had told her (something from my past) that was revealed a year later, and she was devastated that much more. We are separated almost 5 months now, and she is having a hard time forgiving me for my deceptions. I don't blame her one bit.
My motivation to lie to her wasn't to trick her. I was lying to myself as much as to her. My self confidence was very low and I had exaggerated my strong points and left out my weak points when with her. Before we married, I was able to decieve myself and in effect be the person I wish I was - without making any real changes in myself.
I built a house a cards that couldn't stand, and selfishly invited my wife to live in it with me. I now understand the meaning of the term "Fools Paradise" in a way I never did before.
As someone else said, it is possible your husband is merely guilty of using VERY bad judgement and is at heart a good man who truly loves you. Look honestly at him and judge for yourself.
If you choose to give him a chance, then make him earn your forgiveness. Insist that he seek counselling, and I suggest you both seek marriage counselling together. If he refuses, then I suggest you leave him.
Either way it works out for you, I hope you and your husband are both able to learn and grow from the experiences you've shared - good and bad. I will remember you both in my prayers.
2007-01-26 11:08:05 · answer #1 · answered by Rick 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is sure a biggie. You gave up your home country to go to his because he deceived you. Shame on him! Still, he is your husband and your marriage is new. He has betrayed your trust in a horrible way & it will take considerable effort on his part to regain that trust. Forgiveness is not something that is easy to do. It can free you from bitterness and anger, but it is not an easy thing to do. If he is truly repentant and truly understands how hurt and betrayed you feel, then you can try to forgive him & give him the chance to earn your trust again. You can tell him that you will live in his country for a specified time period, & if things don't improve with how established he is with his work & with your marriage by that time, then he can agree to move back to your country with you. Marriage counseling is always a good idea in cases like this. He was wrong to deceive you, no doubt about it. He should understand that, & should know that you have every right to leave him over this. Still, if you are willing to work on your marriage with him & give him a chance, then you might discover that he was just exercising very stupid judgment & he will try to never do that again. You won't know until you try. Good luck!
2007-01-26 18:05:43 · answer #2 · answered by Chimichanga to go please!! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is there any love left?
If you don't have a single ounze of love left for the guy, there's no reason to stay and you should move back and file for a divorce.
But if you love him, and you feel deceived, you have to confront him and ask him what else he's lied about to you. If you can't live with what he's done, if you can't separate his actions from what you feel about him, then things are not going to work out.
What do you want? Do you want to stay or go home? He lied to you, you know that. What are you willing to do? Are you willing to listen to him and forgive him or is this just so big a deception you're decided to move home and get a divorce?
If you feel you can work it out, then do it.
You can forgive by deciding that you want to.
2007-01-26 18:00:41 · answer #3 · answered by Querida 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
haven't you seen "not without my daughter" with sally fields, true story. Wow what where you thinking moving to other country.I can understand to a other county or even a other state, at least your still in your own country. You need to get back home, before it gets harder to do so.In don't feel like a fail-er. Your not. You just believed in your husband in there's nothing wrong with that.Now that you know you made a mistake, fix it. You tell him the why for me to forgive you is to start over in my country. That wasn't nice of him. But some men want you all to them self's. Away from your family and friends. He was wrong to do what he did.If you love your husband forgive him but have him do something. If you want to go back home, have him do that.
2007-01-26 18:02:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a big lie. Really it is. And it was VERY selfish of him. So he has just proven himself to be a selfish liar. Not good. Hmmmm.....
I think that if he wants to make this up to you then this is what should happen: You two move to your country, and see if you can get your old job back or one similar. Start fresh. New soil, new attitudes. Perhaps a little marital therapy to work on communication. To admit that he did wrong, and then do something unselfish would help ease the tensions.
2007-01-26 17:56:37 · answer #5 · answered by Poppet 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is not a good way to start a marriage.
He knew that you would find out the real situation, so he manipulated you for his own selfish reasons.
If you decide to stay with him, I would suggest getting into some marriage counseling together immediately.
If he refuses, then that's your answer, about what kind of marriage it's going to be.
2007-01-26 17:57:14 · answer #6 · answered by dork 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
your marriage was built on deceit and lies, ask him to move to your country, see what he says. when we think life is going to be one way and we see we have been lied to we get resentful and bitter, just tell him u want to go back to your own country. if he seeks forgiveness he should be willing to move.
2007-01-26 18:49:36 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He won you over with lies. You fell in love with an illusion. He convinced you with lies to give up everything for him because he was too selfish to do it for you. I can't tell you how to forgive him. I couldn't. I'd be gone. I'd have the marriage annulled and never speak to him again.
2007-01-26 18:04:30 · answer #8 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to see what was the reason that you married him was it because he was established or because you love him. find out for your self if you love him then it should not matter we all have to make a scarifies in marriage and men always lie.good luck
2007-01-26 18:11:11 · answer #9 · answered by hanusya101 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How long did you know him before you married him?
From the other side, also, every man prefer to be in his town, in his country. Women is always the one who moves.
So, maybe you should not be so hard. Give yourself and to your married a chance, but before all - if you love your husband
2007-01-26 17:55:35 · answer #10 · answered by njanja 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋