Am i being a door mat?

Question

i have been with my bf for 10 years, since i was 15, we have 2 kids and he works full time. i take care of the kids full time.

he never spends any time with our kids at all, when he comes home from work or the gym he sits in front of the computer or the telly in our bedroom. he dosent eat with us either he sits up the stairs. if our daughter needs her bum changed then he shouts me. i do everything in the house and for him and the kids he dosent help me out at all, he thinks because he works that he dosent need to do anything that everything is my job and i should be grateful to him for providing for the family. he is in a good paying job and we get working tax credits, although he only pays for the rent, council tax and the shopping, and electricity. i recieve 45 pounds in child tax credits for my girls and i have to pay the gas, the phone, the internet and clothes and nappies and anything else my girls need. i never go out, he speaks to me like im beneath him.

Answer 1

Yep ur a door mat.. time to gain some confidence and let him know ur not going to stand for his crap any longer.. He may make the money but ur being treated like a slave, maid, cook, and nanny.. so unless he plans on paying u for all these jobs ur doing id say its time to put ur foot down and tell him how its going to be, or time to figure out if this is what u want for the rest of ur life..

Answer 2

its not a matter of you being a doormat, he is definitely taking advantage of you. Its not even that he doesn't help out, I would think its more that he is missing all that quality time with you and the kids. Thats, after all, what is important. You should definitely eat together whether at the table, on TV trays in the living room, doesn't matter, but you should be together, sounds like he is away working and whatever a lot, he is missing out on so much with you and the kids, he'll never get it back, kids grow up so fast, and take it from someone divorced, I raised my kids and dad only had visitation, he knows now what he missed, and wishes he could change what happened, and be there more for his children, your husband will feel that way if he doesn't straighten up. You work as hard as he does, kids, house, cleaning, and your duties will get heavier and heavier, with school, taxi mom, etc etc. Marriage is a partnership, each giving no! not 50%, each giving 100%

Answer 3

I'm sorry, he doesn't sound very nice. He doesn't sound like he respects you at all. I think you need to raise a stink. I don't know what else to suggest. Money is power in relationships and it's an unfortunate side effect of the society we live in. Money is money but raising children and caring for a family is equally as important but stay at home moms are not given much respect. I also don't think that you should be paying for anything if you don't work. That money for your girls should go for something special for the girls. Make him pay for everything if he's the only breadwinner.

Answer 4

Yes to answer your question this guy sounds like a complete jerk. It is his responsibility to be a father figure to his children
if he didn't want kids then he should have used better birth control materials. This guy needs a wake-up call he really is treating you with know respect and is totally neglecting his kids
if you have not told him ytou feel this way it is about time I know guys who work 70-120 hrs a week and still find sometime to spend with there wife and kids and even friends. He really needs
to make-up his priorities because family comes before work.
One other thing why has he not asked for your hand in marriage
10 yrs? It may be time to leave and start over with a guy who likes kids and is devoted to family life.

Answer 5

Well... you don't work... so you should be expected to take care of the house and the kids. Now, if you want him to spend more time with you guys you should just ASK him and see what he says (he can't read minds) ... if you already have and he ignores, sit him down and say that its hurting your relationship- thing is, communication is necessary to make every relationship work- you've been intimate together (enough to have 2 kids) and you live together for christs sake, what is so hard about putting yourself out there and saying 'hey, this hurts me, can you please. ...?' He might on some level hold some resentment towards you and the girls, which you know him more so you'd have to ask, but it sounds like he feels they are YOUR kids and not his. Maybe inside he feels you guys hold him back or he is unhappy... you didn't list enough here to know... and you probably can't read his mind, he probably hasn't told you... ask him. And you SHOULD be grateful to him for providing for the family. Maybe he feels you aren't grateful. Either way, it sounds like you both just need to sit down and have a discussion about how you feel. I suggest by asking him after work one day if he wants you to get/do anything for him, acknowledge that he's tired after a full day's work. Hell, he might need some time alone to unwind and you harassing him to sit at dinner with the loud kids get to him. Start with a little thing like that, and then lead to a conversation, ask about his needs/wants first, then address yours. And never BLAME him, just say "I feel... when this happens." Avoid absolute sentences, "you NEVER come to eat with us." rather,"I would really like it if you would join us for dinner more, if you aren't ready to eat right when you come home or need time to unwind, I could move dinner time around for you."
And also, people just loose appreciation for eachother overtime, so every morning, think of something to appreciate about him and tell him that. He'll be surprised. You can't change HIM or his behavior, but you can change yours.... and well, if someone just gave you a pleasant compliment or made you feel loved and cared for, you would do the same.
Also, in regards to you taking care of the house, etc... couples need to learn to "use eachother's currency"- let me explain. What you do "for him" and what he does "for you" doesn't matter... if I were to make the bed every single day or bake cookies every day before my husband came home, it wouldn't matter if he doesn't notice the made-bed or doesn't feel like cookies. You need to speak HIS currency of love. What actions will make HIM feel loved? They may be different then yours. And hell, you guys have been together so long you should know. And what may have been true 15 years ago, maybe his tastes/wants/needs have changed. ANyway, I think you guys are long due for a talk. Let him know you want to try and that you want him to try. And that will make a big difference. If he doesn't budge at all, knowing his wife is unhappy, then you do not have a marriage there.

Answer 6

first off, tell him that if he wants supper, he can com and eat it down stairs with the rest of the family. I sense that this is really been a while bugging you, so sit him down and tell him that you're worried. (don't use the we have to talk thing, guys just get over-defensive and worried) Tell him you are worried that your little girls aren't getting to know their daddy, and that you miss your husband. Ask him if he loves you, (trick question here, if he loves you he'll treat you better). Then say how much you're tired of being the maid and want to be the mistress of the house instead. P.s. you don't have to pay the t.v. bill, that would get his **** somewhere else besides in front of the t.v.

Answer 7

As long as you accept it-he will give it. You seem like you have discovered the problem but yet you don't see a way out. Do you believe you are bound to stay with a person who does not respect you? You are no less than he is and you need to believe that first. Get your girls and get out. You can make it on your own. For situations like yourself the government has imposed such programs called welfare. Please don't think you are above this because if you were then you would not be in a household being treated less than a human being. At least the government wants to see you better yourself, maybe you should.

Answer 8

Not only are you being a door mat, it sounds like you are a very comfortable rug! Get rid of the mud that is keeping you stuck in an unhealthy situation and go find a good life for you and your girls. Good luck!

Answer 9

My husband used to be a bit the same until I said.... You go to work until 4pm then you get to knock off work & come home to relax. I work (at home) for the same hours and dont get to knock off work until kids are asleep (about 8pm). We both do our part during the day but when we are both home it is both of our responsibility. They dont understand that we are constantly working, being it looking after kids, cooking ,cleaning etc and they winge cause they have to work until 4pm. My husband realised that I didnt exactly have it easier than him & he helps out a lot more now. Hope that makes sense

Answer 10

You are a human being.. and the mother of his children.. Speak to him if you can.. sounds like you guys don't have a great communication relationship, maybe you should consider making other living arrangements for awhile.. ask your self this?? Are you happy? is that how you want to live the rest of your life?? are you in love with him? is he in love with you? are you only there because of convenience.. because he is a provider?? if so .. your settling..