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my neice was abused by her father shes living with me now because her mother is in hospital after a heart transplant.my neice does not rust any man and tonight locked herself in a cupboard and refused to come out she was hysterical and i could not calm her down eventually the police where called and my neice came out im at a loss in how to help her something else i think has happened but im not sure what i do keep an eye on her but i amworried about her i have arranged councilling for her but shes so scared of all men and if shes not hiding under the bed she locks herself in a cupboard does any one have any suggestions in how i can get her to trust the people around her or to make things more bearable for her much appreciated

my neice is 14 years old and this had been going on for a long time talking to her she just wont let me shes scared of me and i do love her she needs her mum but she cant have her as she is in hospital

Answer 1

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Thats awful.... This is going to take a hell of a lot of work and bang slam in to most important point in her life when she should be having the best first times with boys...

Fear she wont find love and fear affection.

Its going to take a lot of professional work...


She certainly needs to feel safe.

This may help.


I remeber a long time ago A drama based on fact where a girl had been abused by parents, pimped and by the so called carers in a childrens home.

One lady eventually got her trust and took her to a place for abused kids where every room had an alarm which went off as anyone entered the room with panic buttons in the room.

A super lock on the door which I think was electronic and only she had the key.

Or something like that.

Ie nobody could enter her room without everyone in the building knowing. Alarms on her bed if anyone tried anything.


Not this kid when at the most emotional point in her life is on extreme defensive.

let me clarify this...

If upset and in range of a weapon said abused kid may strike at what is perceived as a hostile threat, and unleash all the pent up pain into it.

Im no expert but these things may help...

Getting her a pet... pehaps a dog that can grow big and loyal and protective so has a friend she trusts and can protect her.

Not at this moment but would suggest say some sort of womens slef defence lessons only with women there where she can start to feel she can handle herself.

Note as above consider her emotional state as a weapon.
Right now terrified, later anger.

I fear that may be directed by a boyfriend if he starts to touch her up with a physical memory of being abused.


Certainly one she can ahndle herself of any guy mistreats her.


Not saying she is a bad kid but its something you need to think about as an understandable response.

If she has a dog to hug and be her friend she may start to feel affection again and the dog if a good breed may sense her need for protection...Maybe a female one (this you are going to have to look into as not an expert on this).]

A cat may also help in terms of affection but not protection.

Note I would not advise any guy comming into the house for a while.

It may also be wise when she starts to go to school to advise the teachers to look out for any guys acting like jerks towards her and make sure they understand that in this case thats not on.


If however she can find a boy who genuinely cares and she starts to care back and maybe hold hands or hug or anything like that.


It must be considered very clear to all teachers that this is to be allowed as part of her rehabilitation and any public affection display to be allowed and watched closely and if she pulls away and the boy cannot understand the reason to be explained to the boy so he can ease in.

This should be in the future not now.

Persoanlly while illegal I would suggest she have a taser weapon for security... in her case much like a comfort blanket. Ie an electric stungun she can keep with her so she can feel she can defend herself... as opposed to her stealing a knife to keep under her pillow which I would expect her to do.


(also if she lashes out with a stungun she would maim or kill someone)

I would also suggest a punchbag with possibly say a picture of her dad she can stick on it and lay into with boxing gloves.

And as settles maybe a get her fitter and stronger routine combined with martial arts.

But the councilling first.

Lots of teddybears....

Seen great ones of big tigers what are huggable.

And maybe an artpad or someway for her to express herself maybe in song etc.

Its gonner take tame and as said thats ontop of the stress of teenager preogression and hormones


Also other posters idea of having others who have been abused by a father who can understand would help and try and find out about those specailist kids homes for abused kids.

They were very rare

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear what your neice has been through and I understand how hard this must be for you and the family. I would strongly advise that you contact her doctor asap and she if they can get her an urgent appoinment with a female counsellor/therapist who deals specially in abuse. If this situation is causing a problem a problem with schooling then contact them and talk to them about this, I am sure under the circumstances that they will be supportive and do what they can to help. Just keep being there for your neice, remind her constantly that you love her and that your here for her. Cuddle her when she needs to be cuddled and give her time alone when she needs it. I know this must be heartbreaking for you and your neice but please dont give up, this girl has evrey chance of survial although it will take time. Take her in to see her mum when possible and tell her how much her mum also loves and misses her. look on the internet for help/support or even information on child abuse and see if there are any helplines or websites that can offer you 1st hand advice, Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

I really feel for you and your frustration and concern. Your niece has been through a tremendous amount for someone so young and now she is frightened and her one security (her Mum) is not around.

This is probably going to make things even harder for her as she will be feeling even more insecure. She is out of her home environment too so nothing is familiar and she may not fully understand what is happening with her Mum. Try to reassure her. Engage her in activities like making a get well card, talk about when she can see her Mum at the hospital and give her things to look forward to.

Does your niece have a Social Worker? I would try to contact Social Services if not as they can and should offer support to you both. You are dealing with a highly traumatised young girl and that is extremely hard on you as well as her. It is good that you have arranged counselling but she may need more in-depth work. Perhaps look at cognitive behavioural therapy? There are a wide range of therapies available. In addition, she might want to talk to childline 0800 11 11.

I sincerely wish you well and salute your courage in trying to help your niece.

p.s.Please don't think that you are failing in any way because she is so troubled. I have care of a teenage relative too and it is extremely stressful without having the trauma she has experienced. I am sure you are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.

Answer 4

this is a very traumatic and serious problem. I as well went through the same thing with my step Daughter but to be honest, not to that degree. She did not trust any man as well, not even her father and I was at a make or break it point. She wouldn't talk or even acknowledge the issue at hand which made it even harder. When confronted, she would walk away. More so, School counselors were out of the question and professional counselors were out as well. Having some training and experience in traumatic psychology, I was sure that there were issues with Uncle and maybe even with Dad and again( maybe) That was 4 years ago and today she and I have a wonderful relationship and she talks my head off but only to a certian line. Here's what I did.....DON'T PUSH!!! learn her bottom line as fast as you can then fill in the spaces with strieght up talk, (no baby talk) and get her to be able to talk to you without worrying about you pushing the envolpe into talks that she doesn't want to talk about. Sooner or later, she will start to talk to you more and more and by doing this, you are building a bonding trust and by this point, your half there. I've ben told by my wife and her friends that she calls my Dad (not her real father that lives about 14 miles away) to her friends and she have no problem comming to me with almost anything. We have touched base on privet issues that she has brought up but nothing really incriminating to her or anyone else. I don't know how long it will take for you to bond with your niece because I don't know when mine will drop all her walls. I guess just knowing that she trust's me and feels safe here at home for now plus hearing I love you from her is good enough for now. I really wish you and her the best of luck and you sound like a real stand up kind of guy. Not many of us left you know. :)

Answer 5

that must be so difficult for her and you for that matter, this kind of situation requires a lot of tact and, as you have already said you have arranged, professional help from a counsellor, just make sure its a female one! Also; see if there is any way possible for you to get someone who has already been through a situation like this herself to talk to your niece. It would be beneficial to explain the situation to people like her teachers etc (if she can bear going to school). I know you say you love her and I don't doubt that one bit but as you also say she needs her mother, even though she is in hospital I am sure they allow people to visit her so maybe regular trips to see her mother might do her some good. It will probably be difficult for her at first as there will be alot of males around but if you are with her and just keep reassuring her then she will do okay.
I hope this has helped and I hope that everything gets better soon even if its just a little, I wish you and your family all the best for the future x

Answer 6

Half of the friends i have meet have been abused by close relatives,friends or even parents.What is happening to her is normal and its the most expected reaction after such a serious ordeal and that should not sup rise you.
What you ought to d now is give her an opportunity to face the reality of what happened.How do you do this? you May ask.Seat her down and have her telling you every thing that took place on that particular day from morning to when the worst happened.You will notice that during the course of the talk she will be so better and even refuse to talk but you should make her talk as this will enable her to face the pain or confront it which is the beginning of the healing proses.
During the talk,try not to be emotional as this will make her hide so many things from you.Be strong it will give her the confidence that you can be there for her and that you can as well solve the problem.This process will open her up to a realm of forgiveness and from there you can start introducing the topic about men and that not all of them are bad

Answer 7

Definately some serious counseling. Children have a hard time opening up to counseling at a young age and usually the issues come back out in adulthood. But it is worth trying. Find a very warm motherly woman counselor. Just be very patient and loving with her and time will help her develop trust. Don't critisize her but give her a lot of praise when she accomplishes things. I can't tell you how important expressing love and affection is!

Answer 8

I am so sorry!
Obviously, you are a man; I assume you are her mom's brother. You are doing the right thing by getting her counseling!
Surely you are visiting her mom with her as often as possible - have her mom talk to her about you. Her mom should assure her that she understands she doesn't want to trust you since you are a man also (and especially since she was abused by her father, the one man she was supposed to be able to trust 100%); however, let her mom remind your niece that you are her brother whom she grew up with, whom she trusts - otherwise she would not let her stay with you! Tell her that she is not expected to trust you, hug you, anything. Just to know that you are taking care of her needs, and that you are there to talk anytime. Since she can not see a counselor all the time, maybe it would be possible to set up someone whom your niece could call, day or night. I know that might be difficult but worth checking on.
All the best to you and your niece!

Answer 9

Hi, I totally understand what she is feeling like as i was abused alot when i was a child,and spent a long time in care! The cupboard thing is properly down to feeling safe, you cant make her do ant thing, all you can do is stand by her an till she is ready to open her feelings up. You cant make people better but only help them help them self's. I would offer attention at a dist ace and let her decide if she wants to take it or not.Try to not ask question as she is likely to get defencive or upset. Counselling is a great idea, they do have female councillors as well!!I used to also lock myself in cupboards and button myself in side my duvet cover, it made me feel safe, as time went on i saw councillor's and kind of slowly drifted out of these things. It will take a long time for her to learn to trust men again. Please , don't blame yourself , she is not aiming this at you its just her way of coping. Please stand by her, give her support, let her come to you !!! Good luck and i wish you all the luck in the world, hand in there!!

Answer 10

This is something that is going to take a lot of counselling for her to unravel things. The only advice I can offer in the meantime is to be extremely patient with her. If she locks herself away. Sit with her, open the cupboard door and sit on the floor talking softly to her reassuring her that she is safe and you'll protect her.

After a chat, ask if she'll come out and sit to talk. I think slowly slowly does it as she totally now needs to know you are there for her.

Best wishes.

Answer 11

you are doing the right thing and getting her help. This is a terrible thing to happen to a child it should never happen but it did. I'm sorry that it did. One thing i can say is never let her see her father again. that would only make matters worse. For the time being let her be herself. i know that it will be hard for you but you need to do this for a few days. In few days she will come around and when she dose you will need to be there for her. so stay with her through this. Help her in anyway she ask.

Good Luck And God Bless You and Her
I'll keep y'all in my prays

P.s. just make sure she knows that you are ther and that you love her and you will never hurt her