For those who've had an affair and ended up with the person you cheated with...?

Question

How did that work out for you? Long story short...

I had an affair for 4 months. My husband cheated on me because he felt I wasn't paying attention to him during this time. So there is infidelity on both sides now.

I still have feelings for the man I cheated with and he has them for me as well. I am trying to work on my marriage, but it is hard to deny what I felt and still do for this man.

I am torn w/ the decision. Re-dedicate myself to my marriage and make it work or take a chance with this other person I seem compatible with.

If you've had an affair, what was your experience (good/bad) like when you left your marriage for the other person?

We have no children and have been married 3 years.

Again, I only need your comments/advice if you have had an affair and ended up (permanently/temporarily) with the person you cheated with. Part of the reason I am asking this question is because I do love my husband and love him enough to let him go and find someone who can make him happy if need be.

So, calling me a whore and my husband a whore, telling me the cheater will cheat on me, etc.... SAVE IT. If you've been in the situation, cool - let's talk. Otherwise, please find another relationship question to answer - there are plenty.

Answer 1

why do people have affairs? thats not love. you cant say you love either of them...there really are no good outcomes of cheating

Answer 2

Ok, I'll try to help you out. I had an affair with a married woman and actually moved her to Texas from Oklahoma. My affair started off as being a friend to a woman who was in an abusive relationship who wanted someone to talk to, talk not sex. She was in another state so we never got to that point until she moved to Texas. Most women cheat because they lack attention and there is a man who is giving her that and making her feel like a woman. Most men cheat because they want to have sex with other people, its really not about feeling or emotions with men. Are the feeling you are experiencing with the other man sexual or emotional or both? That is the question you have to ask yourself, do you like the person or the fact that you are cheating and getting the attention that you lack at home, because if thats the fact you can get a dog and the problem is solved.
My advise is to leave the husband and the person you are having an affair with and find out what you want and who you want. Rededicating yourself to a marriage that has already been crushed with infidelity is really not an option because although you can forgive, you will never forget which will cause problems in the long run. I think you should get out of your marriage before you get pregnant and then have the added pressures of staying in a marriage for the child. The affair that I had lasted 3 years, she never got a divorce so we were never able to marry and eventually she got tired of me too and left for someone else.
Find yourself first and then you will be able to find someone who complements you.

Answer 3

all i can tell you is this:
i have two girlfriends who got their current husbands by having an affair with him while he was married.
one has no faith or trust in her husband and if he is five minutes late from work she is worried he is with someone else, after all thats how she got him in the first place!
he never goes anywhere other than work without her glued to his side because she is so afraid he will cheat on her. so you have to ask yourself if you will ever trust him now that you know he is a cheater?
the other one married the man she had an affair with and it lasted two years before she found out he was cheating on her. ask yourself if you want to destroy your marriage for a man who was cheating on his wife? the one he vowed to 'cleave unto and love til death...etc.
i know i wouldn't trust a man who was a cheater to start with. but thats just me. we all have had sinful thoughts, infatuations, but most people don't act on them. i would think you and your husband should go for counselling and therapy and sort out why you chose to cheat. maybe then you can begin to heal your marriage and make a good life for the two of you. after all you did love your husband, you married him.
as for your feelings for this other fella, the grass is always greener on the other side, you need to decide if you were married to this other fella would the excitement still be there? probably not, it would likely be the same day to day life you have now, just a different face looking at you every day across the dinner table.
you really need to think long and hard about running off with this guy! its the danger that makes it exciting and if you live together or get married the excitement will be gone.
as for your husband having a fling when he found out about you having an affair, well, that sure isn't right either, but you did the first wrong and his was a reaction to your infidelity.
just curious............was yours a long standing affair? a one night stand? or something in between? and your husband's.....was it a one night stand? or ?????????
good luck

Answer 4

How do you know you are more compatible with this other man? Didn't you think you were compatible with your husband?

Have you tried counseling? Are you and your husband looking outside the marriage for unfulfilled needs? How about first working to find ways to fulfill those needs within the marriage? When you aren't happy that means something is wrong ... but are you supposedly committed and should first try to fix it.

I'm not so sure you should be married to anybody, for your own good and his good, until you REALLY know who you are, what you want AND what you truly have to ~offer~ a relationship.

Answer 5

You want to try and make the marriage work, you can not do this if you are reminiscing on the feeling for the secret lover. Majority of the time, if you hook up with someone you cheated with the relationship will end up with him/her cheating on you as well because that is how you got together in the first place. What goes around comes around. It is not fair the to marriage if you are thinking about the other person that you had the affair with. You need to give the marriage 110% if you plan on giving is a fair try. That goes for you and your husband that need to give 110% toward the marriage. If both of you are not serious and your only doing it for the sake of the children then please save them some trouble and heart ache and move on.

Answer 6

Something to consider - the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that's usually because you can't see the weeds until you're in the pasture.

Whatever reasons you may have for cheating on your husband (or he on you), are you sure that it's something that is related to the relationship? Is it something that you think "wouldn't happen" if you were with the other guy? Or have you looked at the reasons that the infidelity happened and tried to determine the cause?

Do you still love your husband? Do you want to work it out with him? That should be the deciding factor, IMHO. To say "but I want to leave because I think I'd be happier with this other guy" is setting yourself up for trouble, I think, because once you find the weeds in that other pasture, how happy are you going to be?

Just some stuff to think about. Not meaning to condemn or condone either way.

Answer 7

So tempting to think it is better on the other side of the fence isn't it?

It won't be. Fact is that if you gave in once to cheating...it doesn't mean much to do it again. You think someone else will be so much better?

Well here is the test. How much trust do you have? Would you trust yourself? How about this man that you cheated with? If everyone involved is cheating...then this is about a serious lack of maturity.

Overtime you will see your life go downhill. If you can't be honest in a marriage..then what is sacred?

It doesn't matter if you stay with husband or affair. Neither will work if you allow yourself to let your hormones dictate the relationship.

Figure out the marriage problem. Fix it or end it. And let the affair go. It isn't going to work. I promise you.

Answer 8

I had an affair when i was with my ex. The person i had an affair with has been my husband now for almost 10 years. I still love my ex and im sure i always will but i fell out of love with him about a year before we split up. You have to follow your heart or be miserable the rest of your life.

Answer 9

You have asked a question and it seems you are receiving only judgement instead. I have my own feelings but I too was once a cheater.

At 21 I found myself in a marriage that didn't make sense and was too imature to know how to fix it. I let a man who I met while fighting for a Chicago cab into my life. He was single and we did fall in love.

I left my husband to be with this man. We enjoyed 24 years of marriage without an infidelity on either side. One beautiful son and years of happiness followed. I was lucky it did work out.

Maybe it was Karma, I will never know. But I found the love of my life with a bullet in his head and an 8 page suicide note clutched in his hand. English teachers. They do go on and on. I loved him and lost him to something I will never understand.

But the point I want to make is that it could work out. But we brought little baggage to the relationship actually. I will tell you that there was much guilt and that I have never forgotten what I did to my first husband, his friends our families or myself.

My advice is to return your energy to your marriage. Affairs are usually fantasy and you will likely end up as disatisfied with him as you are now with yur husband. If you are on the fence, jump off and jump back into your own yard. Do your best to make your marriage work, which means cutting all ties to the other man. Then, and only then, will you be able to look back and say you did your best. If it doesn't work out you will have tried.

There is always time to pull the plug, to end it and move on. There is rarely more than one chance to make it work.

Answer 10

ok i have been were you are. My ex cheated on me and i had cheated on him, i left him for an affair we stayed married but i lived with the affair man for a year. the last six months of the relationship were stress. i missed my husband and everything i did and everywhere i went i thought of him. I went back after a year to try and make things work out. sat there for two years with him punishing me and having his on affair.
point being... if you have stepped out of your marriage then something is missing. get out of that but don't run to something else. thats like stepping out of the pan in to the fire.
the guy i lived with is still in my life but i am not living with him, we're in two different states. he would like me to marry him but to much has happened and your feelings change..
the grass isn't greener on the other side....its all the same when the new wears of..
either give your marriage 100%, or get out on your own and learn to stand on your own two feet. thats were i am

Answer 11

A long story short for you i met a man who i thought was single he lied to everyone who crossed his path. Anyhow we dated for a few months later i find out he is married she stood with him, to find out she as well was a women who cheated with him except for the fact that she knew he was married. he left his first wife for her and yet he till this day which has been 4 yrs. since we were together he is still cheating on her too. and she sits at home crying awondering where did she go wrong. If i were you make up things with your husband seriously try to make it work give it your all.