Feeling the need to intervene with Mom's nasty house?

Question

She owns a roughly 40-y/o mobile home on a 13-acre lot that has been falling apart for years. Many appliances and fixtures don't work, and it's cluttered from deceased family members' possessions. I have respected her wishes to let her process all the stuff alone, but now she's having health issues; besides, I'm weary of seeing her being dragged down by the condition of the place, whether or not she'll admit to it! I will have to address it sooner or later anyway, as her next of kin. Neither of us has the money to stick a new house on the lot, what with all the attendant expenses of doing so. Does anyone have an idea how I can step in and make her surroundings an actual home, without riding roughshod over her and with no financial backup? Thanks...

Answer 1

I had a similar issue with my parents' celler. It wasn't gross, but piled full of stuff they acquired over a 25-year span. Just show up at her house with plenty of boxes/garbage bags and get to work. Have her sit near you so she can "vote" on what stays and what goes. Keep piles for trash, yard sales, and stuff that needs to be either boxed away (mementos) or organized (books, etc). Make it as fun as possible. In alot of ways, it is fun...taking a little trip down memory lane. Let her tell you stories about how she acquired stuff (you can tune her out as you continue to clean).

Get her excited about it. I'd definitely have a yard sale (you'd be surprised at the stuff people buy)...she can make some extra money.

I actually love doing stuff like that. it's alot of work, but so rewarding. So throw on the gloves and jsut start doing it. As far as her resistence, don't give her a choice. Respect her wishes (as long as they are reasonable) about what to keep, but be emphatic that the place needs to be cleaned up. Good luck !

Answer 2

Honesty is good, express your concern. It depends on your mother though. If you think this will offend her / make her shut down then not a good approach.

If a lot of the clutter is caused by deceased family member's stuff, approach it as if you want to go through it w/ her to learn more about your family. This should appeal to her since it will mean quality time w/ you as well. Then it will be easier for her to let go of the things, when she may realize that the memories will live on in you.

As for the appliances and such, I'll wager that if the above works, it will make her realize her living conditions and want to improve them herself. Once the project gets rolling it's easy to get people motivated to finish it properly.

As for limited financial backing, an all too common problem. But to give of yourself, your time, your attention, this is one thing even those w/ the most limited of resources can do.

Answer 3

This is a difficult situation but your mom definitely needs your help. She is probably overwhelmed with all the clutter and doesn't know where to start in dealing with the clutter and such, especially if she is having health problems. Be nice and explain that you are concerned for her health and safety and want to help her clean her house up so it will be safe and she can enjoy it. Tell her that mobil homes can be very dangerous when not properly maintained and you are worried about her safety. (The one my son lived in burned to the ground in a matter of minutes due to a faulty water heater) I had similar situation to yours before my mother died. She had her whole house packed full of stuff. She always said she was going to get it taken care of and cleared up but there was always a reason it never happened. I know it is a very frustrating problem. Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 4

There are already several answers to this one. Some have some good ideas on the logistics portion of your situation, but no one has addressed the true problem. The real problem is your mother's attitude about the situation versus your attitude.

Until you come to a consensus on that, anything that you do will be wrong. I am at least something like your mother, some people would call me a pack rat. It is not a conscious decision that one makes, it is just how my brain works.

Once, my mother took it upon herself to "help" me by cleaning my room. Of course she did it while I was gone so that I couldn't object to it. I knew that my room was a total mess, but when I saw what she did, it was like I had been raped.

The feeling of helplessness and lack of self worth was beyond explaination. It took me years to get past this and I never forgave her for this violation of my privacy.

A boss that I had did the same thing to me. While I was on vacation, he "helped" me by throwing away stacks of reference material that I used in my work. Since he never used any reference books to do his job, I shouldn't have to either, he thought.

Again, same feelings as when my mother lent her "helping hands." Again, it was the same helpless feeling and loss of self worth that rape victoms sometimes have.

Do I have issues? Duh, sure I do, but I get along okay most of the time. These events really added to my negative feelings about myself.

Is she a compulsive horder? A compulsive horder cannot help it, it is how their brain works. Forcing them to make things the way that you want will make it much worse, not better. If that is her problem, forcing her will make everything worse by actually increasing the feelings that are causing her to do what she does.

If she is okay with selling or otherwise getting rid of stuff, great. The key is that she has to agree. If so, some of the ideas for getting rid of stuff are great.

If you want to help her, you must first get her permission. If she won't give it, at least try to get it for fixing the safety related issues. On those, you can, and should be more proactive.

Also keep in mind the fine line between nagging and suggesting. Nagging me makes things much, much worse. I have a real hangup about that. Everytime I'm nagged, it takes me a tremendous amount of mental energy to get past it.

Building a storage shed will help with some clutter, but be prepared because she will find more to fill it up. If you both can live with that, it may be a good step to take.

I commend you for thinking about your mother's well being. For her sake, and the sake of your relationship, try to come to an agreement on this and don't push her.

Above all, don't trivialize it by being humerous about it. I don't know how she thinks, but I would be extremely offended by someone doing that. It is patronizing and personally, I would find it totally offensive.

Answer 5

If she has lots of stuff in boxes or things buried so deep she hasn't used them in 10 years, rent a storage space (about $20 per month) or purchase a storage shed (about $200). Put all the stuff in there so that if frees some space in her home without her having to feel like she is losing it. Financially, use this as an early mother's day or other holiday gift. Good luck and happy cleaning!

Answer 6

First I don't agree with selling the land as someone suggested. My family {dad,aunts,husband} own several thousand acres and until you own land that has been handed down for generations no one really know its true meaning or why you'd want to keep it in the family. That being said I do not know of your mothers income level but I do know in our state for persons with low income, handicapped, elderly there is a community action group that will come out to help fix up the home so that it is safe, energy efficient, and up to code for little to NO cost! All you have to do is apply, call your local social services office you don't have to give your name just ask if you have such a program. Yes I know in cases like these there is "pride" and I understand that I'm just trying to help

Answer 7

Since she has 13 acres, why not sell at least half the acres to someone and with that money, build a small house that your mom will be comfortable in. If that is not good, give her a hand getting rid of some clutter and keep her spirits up or get some friends and family together to help. I think once she gets started, it will get her motivated to clean the place up. I hope this helps, best of luck.

Answer 8

Obiviously she needs to get on together with her existence. and why shouldnt she or maybe you for the difficulty. She feels she is waiting and that i easily ought to under no circumstances think of telling a guy i became interested in on the grounds that my ex nonetheless lives with me as he's the babies care giver. Realistically Im particular in case you have been to fulfill somebody you needed as much as now, she ought to have a similar techniques. stable luck

Answer 9

Tell her you are concerned about the conditions she is living in. If you can take the time, offer to help her clean things up and get organized. That is about all you can legally do at this time. Is you mother ill? depressed? Maybe you should suggest she see a doctor.

Answer 10

Call the show's "Home Make-Over's!!!" And borrow someone's video cam, and walk them through this, and explain you and your sybling have very limited funds to help her, and put on camera that the place is in this situation and send in your tape to the T.V. Home Make Over's!!! Or, if you two can afford a medal storage, to put on her property, you can go through everything from all of the deceased family members belongings and put them all in nice boxes labeled, to which is which, and place them neatly in this storage ...... You can buy one Big one, probably for under $400.00 dollars.......If you got the biggest one they have from any "Home depot" and place it on her property, buy a good lock, and simply get her house organized!!! Talk to an electrician about how you can fix her light fixtures, because if some of them aren't working, your mom could very well meet with "Fowel Play" and her trailor could very easily catch on fire, if there's any kind of dangerous broken electrical lines......(Another thing you could mention to the Home Make over team)...... And you wouldn't be able to live with yourselves that you didn't do something about it sooner!!! Trailor's are nothing to mess with when it comes to any types of electrical problems!!! They can go up in flames in a couple of minutes!!! The whole thing!!! So, its time you call an electrician, and ask any "Free" advice and go and use whatever small change you have, to buy those parts and follow carefully all of the electrician's advice, in order for your mother to live safely!! Or you could very well have someone type up a peice of paper to the extent of things about your mother's property, and get you some of those plastic containers and ask all the local businesses if you can put it on their counter tops for donations!!! Or if you could get all the local kids, or if you have kids yourself, to do car-washes, and raise the money to fix-up your mom's place!!! There's many things you can do to raise the money, hun!!! You could have your wife make up cookies and make up a sign to have your kids go door to door, asking for donations, with the cookies as a "Thank-You"!!! You'd be "Surprised" at how much people are willing to help hun!!! Good luck to you & yours!! My sympathy's , I know how much it means to you, and how frustrating it is that you cant do those things you so badly want to do , to help!!! Ask around for anyone, who has a Camcorder, to film this, to send it in to "Home Make Over's!!!" I cant stress that one enough!!!! I'll say a prayer, for you too, okay!! God Bless you both, for your concerns!!!