Hard to be affectionate?

Question

I have been having a hard time being affectionate towards my husband. I have a 4 year old from a previous marriage and pregnant with my husbands child. He seldom helps around the house much and after I work all day I feel this need to clean. I end up feeling very put out which leads to me staying away from him. I 've asked him to help- but he says his ADD keeps him from being able to do house cleaning. Not that that's the main issue- but I am just wondering how can i regain that honeymoon stage? I miss it. He tends to make snide comments which hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted. Help me.

Answer 1

Many women go through what you are going through so understand you are NOT alone.

I wish there was just a simple answer, but there is not. It is overwhelming when you feel like your husband doesn’t understand, listen, or comfort your own feelings, and then to top it off you have children, which is a constant non-stop job. So many times at the end of the day you’re exhausted and feeling alone.

This is what helped for me

Communicate – The key – Don’t wait till it is too late. By the time I would talked talk to my husband I wouldn’t be talking it would come out more of a yelling/crying and then being more mad because he didn’t know why I was yelling at that particular moment verses listening to what I was saying.

I tried NOT doing the house work so he would appreciate what I did, didn’t work because I couldn’t stand the mess, for myself, and my daughter, but it didn’t phase him

I tried acting like him, and when he didn’t like it I said well don’t do it to me – it just made things worse between us, and I was more frustrated.

Despite my attempts I had to take a step back, and realized that I wasn’t communicating in a way that my husband could understand. So I evaluated him, to understand how he communicates with me, his patterns and his routines.

I started vocalizing my feelings when something bothered me, I would use examples that he could relate and understand, when he said I don’t do that I would tell him every time he did, I wouldn’t get mad but make him see how he acts, (take the higher road) I also didn’t let him get away with calling me names, when he did I would say things like “do you really think that is going to help the situation” “how can you say things like and then tell me you love me” – He realized that I wasn’t going to argue, but I wasn’t going to be walked over, that I was to be respected, and the more he pushed all he was doing was pushing me away, and that he only him changing would make things better.

I made a schedule or routine when it came to house work that helped me balance my responsibilities, with out feeling overwhelmed.

I would always express when I physically did not feel good, but I would still follow through with my responsibilities, so he could understand not the strength of a woman the strength of a mother, and that no matter we never stop working, because we do what is best for our children with or without the man it is an instinctive duty and responsibility.

I thought my marriage would end, things were NOT perfect, and many times I wanted to give up, but slowly he came around, things still are not perfect, but he definitely has changed, and gives me my respect, and we are working more as a team then individuals.

ADD- is an condition, not an excuse, and easy cop out – your pregnant yet carry on. I wish you the best and hope this helps

Good Luck
D

Answer 2

Let me tell you, I've been in your shoes. You have to sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart. Your husband sounds as if he is making excuses so as to not help you around the house, and that's wrong. He helps make the mess, he should help clean up! It's hard to be nice when you're the only one ... but in this case, try being sugary sweet to your husband and see if he responds the same. Sometimes moods can affect the entire household; you both may be feeding off of each others' frustration. Also, try making a list of what you love about your husband and show it to him; encourage him to do the same for you. Focus on why you fell in love, so you can both appreciate each other. If that doesn't work, maybe consider counseling. Marriage is a team effort. Good luck!

Answer 3

Take a vacation for a week away from him and let him see how it feels to do it without you. Dont go grocery shopping or clean up that much before u leave. And tell him this is why your doing it. Tell him while your on the trip that you might stay gone for another week and see how he reacts. Its call you don't miss your water till the well runs dry. And then come back and get him to take on some of the chores. Or wear his a** out in the bed for a few days and when he wants more tell him he'll have to help u around the house first.

Answer 4

you need to stop worrying about cleaning your house and start trying to spend more time together, because if you don't do it now when the baby comes you will have even less time to give to each other and then your marriage will really be in trouble. Why don't you try to think of all the things that made you fall in love with him, and ask him to make a list and you make a list of things that you really miss about each other and miss doing together and try to put more time into doing those things. I would suggest to try and go for a walk together and hold hands and just get to know each other again, discuss things that might interest you or him or maybe talk about the past, it will help. Good luck!

Answer 5

He is probably feeling depressed! he shouldn't be making comments to you like that! I have ADD and it doesn't keep you from cleaning, just another MAN excuse. All of this will push you away from him and make you not want to be intimate with him. It is a real turn off. Maybe you should not ask him how he feels, just tell how you feel! Let him know he needs to not make those comments and he needs to help around the house. If this doesn't work, don't say anything to him, just stop washing his clothes, cooking for him, and anything else you do that is for him! Believe me, this works! When he asks you why, tell him politely you have enough things to do and if he is not going to help, he can do his stuff by himself! It is disrespectful for him to treat you this way!

Answer 6

Honey give yourself a break. You have a 4 year old and you're pregnant for the next. You're tired for heavens sake!! Your husbands ADD doesn't stand in the way of his helping out, his laziness does. I would be hard put to be romantic toward someone that is hurting my feelings pregnant or not. I think the honeymoon is over, sorry.

Answer 7

Man this is soooo easy it is not funny.

First thing is first. His helping around the house will take care of the need to be more affectionate. So lets solve the root problem and that will help to fix the overall situation and not ignore it.

He needs to help. It should be expected for him to help with all aspects of keeping the house clean. As for his ADD, this is a cop out. My wife has ADD and has it very bad. She has more trouble getting the work done as quickly as I do, and it is usually easier for me to do most of the house cleaning (just so it gets done), but the fact that she helps means more to me than how much she accomplishes. If you need him to do a chore or set of chores and you do not care how well or how quickly they are done, then give them to him and tell him to get them done. (laundry is a good one for him as you can get an oven timer and set it for him for when it is time to change the laundry). Folding is a problem as if the clothes are not hung up quickly they will wrinkle but if you are will ing to help with the folding by hanging up the clothes that have to be hung up and he folds all the others this would be a good compromise.

As for being abole to stay focused, just tell him to take his meds on Sat. morning and you guys spend the Sat as your clean day.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

You need to tell him exactly how you feel. The house work needs to be 50/50. If you feel put out now it will get worse when the baby comes. Let him know you are not superwomen, and that you need him. Everyman like to be needed, also tell him it hurts your feelings when he makes the comments he does. ADD has nothing to do with house work it is an excuse. Talk to him about it do not whine, get his full attention. My husband listens best in the car.

Answer 9

His ADD is a lame excuse. A person with ADD is perfectly capable of doing housework, as long as you lay it out in specific steps. Doing dishes doesn't take any special kind of focus. Your resentment is causing your problem, and his snide comments are doing nothing to help (in fact, may make it seem like more of an obligation than a joy). You need to lay this out for him. If he expects to get what he wants, you need to get what you want, too.

Answer 10

I think you are just feeling touchy because of your hormones. Was it this way before you became preg or did it happen afterwards? Was his ADD an issue when you met or is he using it as an excuse? You can't get the honeymoon period back - the secret is to never let it go.