My father is bed ridden and I have hired the services of two nurses. When the Nurses don't turn up my father expects that I clean him up which is difficult for me. He then feels bad and sometimes curses me. What should I do?
2007-01-26 03:15:32 · 34 answers · asked by Justanian 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
The other problem with him is that he doesn't want to use a diaper or a bed-pan and soils the bed-sheet. I have talked with him on this issue but he wouldn't listen.
2007-01-26 04:08:36 · update #1
Think from his side. Imagine yourself in his position and think. An opposite side view always helps in case of difficult situation.
2007-01-26 03:23:17 · answer #1 · answered by Sudhi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, this is an uncomfortable situation to be in for you and your father. But he cannot clean himself and he needs help... not cleaning him is a kind of abuse.
If your nurses are not coming on time or at all then you should hire different ones! Are you using and agency? If you are then they should have other people that can come out when one of the regulars can't show up. Fire the agency and hire a new one.
I am sure that your father curses at you because he is sick and angry at the situation that he is in... think about how you would feel if you needed you son to clean you.
All that he wants is his dignity... I am sorry for your situation and wish you the best of luck.
2007-01-26 03:25:02 · answer #2 · answered by flappymcp 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It may make you uncomfortable, but as a son, you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of your father. If the nurses don't come and no one else is there to clean up your father, then who will?
Obviously, I don't know your father, but when he gets mad at your cleaning him up, it is probably because he is embarrassed and frustrated that you have to do it and that he is unable to do it for himself. It is very hard for a man especially to accept being dependent on someone. He has always been the one to take care of you throughout your life. Now suddenly the roles are reversed.
His anger is just a reflection of these feelings. What you might do next time that happens is to say something like, "Dad, I know how hard this must be for you, but taking out your frustration on me, isn't fair to me either. But I do understand and love you."
Edit: About your father's refusal to wear a diaper or use a bedpan...There's something else going on...that's more than just being angry. Have you had him evaluated for alzheimer's or senile dementia? Another possibility is that he is clinically depressed. He may need medication to improve his state of mind, which will also make him more cooperative. I'd encourage you to look into that.
2007-01-26 03:28:35 · answer #3 · answered by kathy_is_a_nurse 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is always a difficult situation when your parents get old and need assistance in getting around, or even just showering or going to the bathroom. You have to keep in mind that it is also humiliating and depressing for the elderly family member, who feels that they are being a burden on you, or don't like the feeling that they are helpless for even minor things like going to the bathroom.
Taking care of the elderly is not something everyone can handle. Nurses and old age home personnel often take courses (known as Special Care Counseling) to manage and aid people with age-related issues.
I assume that you hired the nurses to help take care of your father because this was either a task you could not or did not want to handle yourself. Their job is to help him with day to day issues, letting you spend quality time with him.
If the nurses "don't turn up", it sounds to me like you are paying for a service that you are not getting. It may be worthwhile looking for someone else.
As for you cleaning up after him, I don't think that helping him into clean clothes, giving him a bath or shower, or helping him on or off the toilet should be a problem on the rare occasion that the nurse is not available. If that is too much to ask, then he probably should not be at home, but in a nursing home that can manage his needs better.
2007-01-26 03:31:42 · answer #4 · answered by SteveN 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who do u feel is supposed to do this? who would u expect to attend to you when ur old? Some nurses or a member of the family?
Dont forget what all he must have done for you when u were a kid. he must have done not only what ur doing for him but much more. so to say it in plain words, its time to repay some of ur old debts. Consider urself lucky that u got a chance to care for ur old man buddy? how would u have reacted had he died a sudden death with no time for u to even say that u love him?
Of course the best in this situation would be a partner looking after the partner but if the spouse is not there or is incapable to do this, only the son can do it. Nurses can be a solution only if there is some real problem for u like u not getting time at all to look after him. And dont say u hate it. no one but parents do all this for us without feeling bad. so learn to take it as ur duty and soon u will not find it all that bad. After all nurses also have to do this wiping or cleaning and they are no less human than u are.
Do try to reason with him about using a bed pan or diapers and i am sure if u discuss with him patiently, the old man will oblige you. you will find he still cares for u buddy. Set a good example for you next generation.
All the best.
2007-01-27 08:13:27 · answer #5 · answered by Sumit 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Follow your heart, dude. I wonder how many times your parents cleaned up your poop and vomit, bathed you, washed your clothes, made sure your bedding was clean and you had the proper food. However, if you have two nurses, they should be cleaning him up. If he has a aversion to female nurses washing is privates, etc., see about getting male nurses. If you can't handle it, then in a kind way tell him that it is just too difficult for you. But you can't let him lay in a mess either. Make sure you have all the most efficient supplies that they make--absorbent, disposable pads for the bed, etc., and a lot of wipes. Just bundle the mess up and throw it out. Just keep the washer going with the soiled PJs and sheets.
2007-01-26 03:27:55 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hes fustrated, he is going to say a lot of things he does not mean through time. Find a easy way to clean him. And ask the nurses what are some easy ways to clean him. Someone will have to do it for you one day so don't be shamed in doing so. And split the times up where it works for you and get the nurses to come for a hour morning afternoon and evening. instead of once a day. If the company can't find someone to do so then go through another company and see if they can find someone. Its also good to find someone that stays close so they won't have to drive far and doing a hour here and there will not bother them. or pay a family member to come more often. But there are all types of equipment and methods you can use to do it yourself and make it easy for the both of you.
2007-01-26 03:26:45 · answer #7 · answered by Diamondbch 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is better a son clean up if necessary, if you have a sister, your father may feel very uncomfortable with her doing it. If the nurses don't show, call the agency immediately to see if there is a problem. You are a great person helping so much with your father, keep up the good work. Hang in there.
2007-01-26 03:22:34 · answer #8 · answered by nanny4hap 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did the "old and bedridden" father clean up the son when the son couldn't clean himself? I don't know what your relationship is with your dad but if he was a good father and did for you why wouldn't you do for him now that he can't do for himself?
I'm in a similar situation. My mother now has dementia. My husband and I work. If not for my daughter I would have to quit my job and stay home. As you said when the nurses don't show up who else is there? Believe me I know. When I don't have anyone else, tag, I'm it. My mother, my responsibility.
You say it's difficult for you to clean him up. Would it be easier to let him remain dirty and smelly and at risk for bed sores and infections? Would you rather see him that way? Think about it!
2007-01-26 03:26:52 · answer #9 · answered by Arleen J 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Clean him up. It is not easy that is a given, but remember he did it for you coming into the world so you should return the favor for him. If it truly is too much trouble and the nurses are unreliable, get better nurses, use a better nursing service, or commit him to a home that can look after his needs.
2007-01-26 03:20:43 · answer #10 · answered by rcbricker33 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear about your father and that you feel overwhelmed. However put yourself in his place and perhaps you might understand how he feels.
He went through life without requiring any assistance but now he requires it, I'm sure he didn't choose to be in this state. It may be difficult for you but imagine if you were placed in this situation, I'm sure you'd expect his assistance in your time of need. He curses perhaps he is angry at his state and vents to you because you find him a burden and there is nothing he can do.
Remember he raised you and looked after you until you were of age, give him the same in his time of need.
2007-01-26 03:32:23 · answer #11 · answered by trojan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋